When I joined this group a couple years ago, I was at what felt rock bottom with depression and I was drinking to drown it out. Since then, I’ve healed my relationship with alcohol and I met somebody. Today marks two years for our relationship. He is an amazing person with a huge heart. He is also an alcoholic and in denial, battling depression. Seeing him struggle has been motivating for me to not drink but It’s been a roller coaster. I care so much about him and our only troubles are when he is drinking. He’s never been abusive or anything like that, but I am so hurt mentally to the point where I get fever chills from the stress on a regular baises. Now it’s Christmas and our 2 year anniversary and we aren’t together because of an argument over his drinking last night. He says I’m controlling but I just see the potential in him and I want him to heal and be healthy mentally and physically… I want that for both of us.
I know they say that alcoholics have to want to take that step, but I don’t see it happening anytime soon. Can I please have some advice how to go about this? I’ve tried multiple approaches. Thank you so much and I hope you all are having a nice holiday.
Welcome back! That’s amazing that you have worked on your relationship with alcohol, although how frustrating to find yourself in this situation.
It sounds like however you are trying to intervene isn’t working… You also say you know alcoholics have to want it for themselves, so I wonder if you have answered your own question?
There are lots of threads on here about how to live with a partner who drinks (see this collection), I believe the summary message is usually we’ve got to accept people how they are, or make a choice of whether or how we can stay in the situation we find ourselves in.
I have been on both sides of the situation and for me, I think that summary is a pretty fair overview of the options. We can only be responsible for ourselves and have to let other people be responsible for their own happiness.
Hi Lindsay, congrats on your sobriety!
Unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do to make him want to get sober. You’ll have to decide if this is a person you can continue a relationship with if he doesn’t get sober on his own. I’ve lived with an active alcoholic the first year of my sobriety and it was hell. Mine was verbally abusive which forced me to give him an ultimatum. Thankfully it worked for me but that doesn’t mean it will stick either. Only time will tell but for now it’s ok. Wishing you the best.
The biggest thing that I had to learn is I am in control of only myself,
The fact you can remain sober while having an alcoholic partner, is a true sign of your strength, I would suggest support groups and if you have a regular fellowship you attend, maybe ask him to tag along
Hey there Lindsey! I see that Sian already posted a link to lots of threads regarding a partner who still drinks…I hope you find them helpful. I know there are quite a few of us on here who have struggled with this, myself included. For me it was instrumental to keep my focus on what I can control and what I am responsible for…my sobriety. It was a really rough journey to get to that place, for so long I felt my sobriety depended on his, but it doesn’t. Do I wish we were traveling this part of our journey more in sync, yes I sure do…but that is out of my control. And for me, life feels way more manageable when I keep my focus on what is mine to control. My head is less cluttered, my heart less sad, my anxiety calms when I am clear about what is and what isn’t mine to take on. I know it is hard tho and I am sorry you are struggling with this.
Certainly when you are both rested and sober have some conversations around goals, health, etc. Perhaps he is open to some therapy for his depression? If he is drinking, then meds are not usually a good mix. But in the end, his sobriety is his responsibility.
Love yourself, treat yourself well, be healthy and work on healing your self. We can love others who are still working on their stuff.
Sorry your dealing with this. I drank for years and only 13 days sober. My wife told me this morning she likes me better this way. She also does not drink. She as never told me not to drink but I will say she did remind me how I treated her when I drank. She would always tell me she was at her breaking point.
She would often say i dont know how much more of this I can take Mickey. But i didnt care. It’s the whiskey I wanted. But everyone as a breaking point and I’ve learned until you hit that it doesn’t matter what anyone says or does. You’ll strong woman to being able to do stick around. Good luck to you and congratulations on your sobriety.
