Mine does and I discussed it fairly frequently when I was on here more. I know this question comes up a lot…How do I get sober with a partner who drinks? So often we are told we have to avoid situations and people who drink, sometimes it is even suggested that we cut them from our lives entirely. For those of us with partners who drink and whom we love and respect, that is not practical or helpful advice. Obviously some of us cannot stay with an abusive, reckess or violent alcoholic, but as we know, not all people who have drinking issues fall into those categories.
So, how do we dedicate ourselves to sobriety AND our drinking partner? How do we navigate this particular challenge?
I found the topics below particularly informative and there are plenty of other threads to get you thinking if you search on drinking spouse partner boyfriend girlfriend etc.
We CAN achieve sobriety with a partner who drinks, it is not easy, but it can be done. Only you know the truth of your relationship and whether it is worth fighting for, along with your sobriety. Mine definitely is.
When i met sheila i was 8 years sober she took a white wine now and again at my stage of soberiety it didnt bother me to day my two sons dont drink or smoke maybe my example dont know we have some wine in the kitchen rack but it dosnt bother me now ,but i do feel for people who are trying to stop with partners who still drink especially in early soberiety wish you all well
Yes, she does – but definitely at what you could call “normal” amounts. A glass or two of wine per week, most of the time.
I believe its all about two things: communication and respect. Aren’t those two of the major pillars any relationship is built on?
I communicated to her that I was going to stop drinking entirely, and explained why. In turn, she respected my decision – not just in words, but through action as well. She was sure to ask if drinking in front of me would bother me, which it doesn’t. She doesn’t ask me if I want a drink or anything like that. If we have to go to an event where there is plenty of drinking, she understands that there might be a point where I need to excuse myself for the night (it has never hit that point, but I have made it known that it is a possibility)…because I explained all of this to her, and she respects my decisions.
I think she also now sees the benefits of me not drinking, I’m not wrapped up in my own head all the time and can spend more time focusing on US rather than ME.
I am glad yours has been such a positive experience. I think it is helpful that your spouse is not a big drinker. My husband is a big drinker and that carries it owns issues. He has been as respectful and understanding as possible given the circumstances. Our relationship was forged more than 20 years ago on drinking, a lot of blow and partying and when I began my sober journey, it was quite a shock to our marriage. We have muddled through with a lot of communication, arguments, tears, understanding and respect…but it was truly a struggle to reach the other side.
I know a lot of people struggle against how to live with their loved one who still drinks, I certainly did for many years. That was when I was in a relapse cycle and slowly slowly building my sober muscles. I learned a lot about myself and my drinking and what was my responsibility and what was not. It was hard on my husband, hard on me, but we muddled through with communication and a lot of respect and honesty. He still drinks a lot, but he knows not to offer me a drink, have wine in the house and that when we are out or hosting a party, when I am done, it is time to wrap it up. It took us years to get here, we do our codependent thing well, but we are both doing our best with the tools we have where we are right now.
I just want to offer hope to those that struggle to know that you can get sober with a drinking partner, it isn’t easy, but find the path that works for YOU. It definitely can be done. We all can learn from others who have been there and from owning our truth.
My boyfriend is a full time musician and still drinks. He doesn’t drink nearly as much as he used to (when I first came on talking sober a little over a year ago) but occasionally he will still binge drink, probably only 2 to 3 times a month or less whereas before it was 4 or 5 days a week. The good thing for us is that he doesn’t drink at home so really I can kind of control when I’m around him if I know he’s going to be drinking. I just don’t go to his gig and see him at home afterwards. If it’s a night off we will do something else rather than go to a bar or we will stay home and have an evening in. It’s much easier now that he’s cut back significantly but still frustrating at times.
There are many times when I wish i had a partner who was sober too just so I had someone close to me who could be on this journey with me. My mom doesn’t drink but purely because she just doesn’t like it that much. So she doesn’t understand all of the aspect of being sober because you have a problem. So it can be so difficult to not have a partner be sober but when you have clear communication and understanding, you can still get that support.
Hi
I am struggling a little (a lot) in my marriage and my sobriety is highlighting some of our difficulties.
My husband says my problems are just that - my problems. Any difficulties in our marriage are on my part. He doesn’t see anything wrong with our marriage. He is not interested in marriage counselling as there is nothing to fix. We have 2 young children and we never go out together alone. We never did. He says we can pick things up when the kids are older. I may not be here. He is a good man, he is a brilliant father and he is my ideal man but he never comes near me. I feel so lonely.
The drink and smoke hid a lot of pain and anger for me but I don’t want to live like that anymore. He takes a drink and a smoke most nights (but never to excess).
I know he is never going to change and I’m not asking him to quit anything. He doesn’t do it to excess. I’m really unsure why we are still together.
What to do?
That sounds rough. Obviously only you know the heart of your marriage. I don’t know how far you are in your sobriety, but I would caution you to focus on sobriety for the time being and keep your focus on improving yourself.
It would be good if you were able to honestly and openly have a conversation with your husband about how you are feeling. Perhaps talk to him about your fears and worries. It doesn’t have to be a …you are doing this wrong discussion…more…how can we make our bond closer and more loving.
Are you doing any counseling? If he won’t go to counseling with you, then I highly recommend going on your own. It would be nice for you to have someone to discuss all this with.
I am sorry you are feeling alone in your marriage…I understand, as I have been there too. I did find that my feelings about my marriage improved a lot the longer I was sober and the more I was able to be open and honest with my husband. I hope you can find your way.
Thank you for the homework… I’ll definitely be checking these link’s… Could be some big time savers from other’s who have been there…That’s extremely beneficial…
Added… I just figured out how to bookmark on here… lol… I know now… I think it’s because I just found something directly useful to help me… Thanks again…
I can feel that. My husband also says we are fine and when the kids are older we can enjoy life more. I must enjoy life now. He is an ok dad but rather penny-pinching. I think in his heart he is saving money for the future, but when I get endless comments about what to buy, where, I also don’t know about the future. I feel he treats me like an appliance, if I am working ok (not drinking, looking after the kids) he doesn’t notice me, like u don’t pay attention to the fridge. He is astonished that after a night of me doing all the kids stuff while he watches tv, plays on phone that I am not thrilled when he wants to be intimate. I have explained I feel used, but according to him we are married so that is impossible (?).
Thanks. I realise it’s very difficult to advise when you only hear one person’s side and every marriage is different. I am not perfect by any means.
I’m nearly 15 days booze free, 5 months not smoking. I am seeing a therapist and that helps. I miss the fun times I had with my husband and I wonder was it all based on hedonism although I thought it was much more than that. It’s sad for me that he dosen’t seem to miss me but at least I can see this clearly now.
This whole entry is heart wrenching but the last sentence is just YIKES. your husband needs his head watched aka a serious talking to about responsibilities and RESPECT. WTF
Power to you, Misokatsu. Hope you make up in self love what your husband doesn’t seem to give you. Big hug
I know this is an older thread/post but I appreciate your story.
My husband is a daily drinker. I am just over 2 mo this sober ( again ) his drinking doesn’t bother me, well until he is drunk. He isn’t an angry drunk he is an 8 year old thinks everything is hilarious drunk.
Setting boundaries when he is sober ( communication) has been what is helping us the most. It hasn’t been easy and we are in the early stages of my recovery but I know this is possible to work through for both of us, me being sober and also me not trying to get him to change what he doesn’t want to change.
Thank you for sharing your story.
I bumped up against this tonight! I’m 8 days into sobriety, and tonight was the first time my partner had some drinks around me.
He’s always been better at having a couple and then turning it off, and he is wonderful to me, both sober and drunk, and I don’t mind the fact that he drinks, only in that it makes it more tempting to me to drink!
I’m trying to think of it like I think of our food, I’m fully vegan while he is a total omnivore, and sometimes, yes, his cheesy meaty pizza looks delicious, or I want to eat a nacho cheese Dorito or sour cream chip because he’s having them right next to me, and they smell so good!
But I don’t, because I believe that my dietary choices are right for me, just like I believe my sobriety choices are right for me! So tonight I had a non alcoholic amaretto sour soda, and a kombucha, and I’m going to bed sober and feeling stronger!
My husband is one of those people who can drink but he has yet to drink around me.
I’ll definitely be checking these link’s… Could be some big time savers from other’s who have been there…That’s extremely beneficial… 
