So technically I’m not really just starting out. I have quit and relapsed many times. And last night I posted here because even 30 minutes was enough to induce anxiety. And then I thought I could make 24 hours but no. I feel so much regret, my hard-earned money (especially at this time) being wasted.
The longest I have been clean was maybe 3 months. But stress is a huge trigger for me. When I get stressed, I need to use or need a drink, and I feel better during but later I just have so much guilt and regret. And this leads to more stress, so to feel better, I look for the quickest relief. And the cycle continues, and if I try to stop, my brain says just this one more time. So I guess, I’m just confused about why I can’t reason with myself. I tell myself it’s a waste of time, waste of money, waste of my body, and I could be doing anything else. Trying to manage myself and my mind is like trying to pilot a spaceship. I have no idea how to control anything and trying to talk myself out of it is like mashing random buttons and levers that do nothing and eventually I just give in and let autopilot do whatever it wants. I want to take it one step at a time, try one piece of advice at a time and see if it works for me. When you feel craving and your body starts to disobey, what do you do to de-escalate that? My goal is just to be clean for the next 24 hours but even that seems so hard because my mind is saying “what if you get really stressed and tired, why deny yourself and put yourself through even more stress?” Sorry for the long post, I just don’t really have anywhere else to talk about this.
Hi pal. I’m just turning in for the night. But I tagged you in another thread that may give you some help.
All I’ll leave you with is just keep coming back. Keep trying. You can’t make it 24 hours, that’s fine. Make it an hour. One hour! I know you can do that
I do this too. It’s so relaxing and redirects my thoughts. I have a schnoodle and I do it with his ears too, they’re so soft between my fingers. I never mention it, figuring people will think it’s strange.
Exactly what @Gabe.G said, take it an hour at a time. If that’s too much, take it a minute or second at a time. Just remember, making it through that time does NOT mean you get to drink or drug after that, it means that you have won a huge battle. And winning a battle doesn’t justify sabotaging the war. If you lose the next battle the war gets harder to fight, although by no means is it over or impossible to keep fighting. If you keep the momentum the battles become easier and the outlook of the war gets better and better. But face each battle as it comes.
Don’t know why this is the metaphor that my brain latched onto this morning but it’s a great expression of how I fought through super early recovery.
Thank you for the kind responses and advice. I woke up this morning tired, but since I have a lot of work to do, I have to at least be semi-conscious. It’s like the thing I fear most is that my peers might find out about this. I worry about tonight, because my work will end around 7 PM, and so after that, I will be really wound up and stressed, and then I will want to numb it as soon as possible. I think it would be good for me to prepare for this feeling now, so that I will know how to deal with it later. I guess it really is an emotional issue. I’ll make a list of stuff to do when the craving arises and then have a piece of paper there to write out how it feels. In theory I think this sounds like a solid plan, but I don’t know if I trust myself . . . fingers crossed?
