Advice needed on how to deal with a death

I need advice on how to protect my mental health and sobriety while coping with the suicide of a friend.
Naturally I could elaborate and explain the the whole history, but I would be typing for hours so I will tell you the basics.
“Ann” is former cohort of mine, a girl that I called my best friend for a decade but have been estranged from for 5 years.
“Ann” has been in a long term 11 year relationship with “Tim” so, I knew him well.
“Tim” commited suicide on Sunday.
“Ann” found him Monday morning.
“Ann” is beyond devastated. She is in an extreme state of grief. Her safety is a serious concern. Her family and a several of her friends are with her 24hrs and monitoring her.
My issue is that she has been asking for me and wants to see me.
I have taken his death very hard and, as a suicide survivor, his death has really hit home.
How can I not sound selfish or make it about me and explain that I am not stable enough to be there for her? Has anyone else dealt with this or a similar situation?


I would say that you both are in a hard spot right now. You both are dealing with grief. You are trying to hold on to your sobriety. I would say that if you don’t feel comfortable seeing her, just tell her that you aren’t mentally able to offer her the support she needs. I’ve had friends call me and threaten suicide etc…I would drop everything and drive over. It was the same thing all the time. We struggle with our own mental health and can only go so far sometimes to help others. It may seem selfish, but you have to protect yourself as well. It sounds like she has support around her and since she is being monitored I hope and think she will be ok. It’s such a hard place to be in…on one side you have empathy for your friend. You also need to look after yourself. We can’t always be there for everyone all the time. I remember desperately trying to be there 24/7 at the drop of a hat. It got to a point where my mental health was eroding because of it. I’m sorry you’re in a tough spot. I pray that you stay strong as well as your friend. Much love :heavy_heart_exclamation:


Also I’m very sorry for your loss. I know you said you weren’t taking his death very well either❣


Thank you, Jane. I have set my boundary and decided not to visit in person. At least not right now. I wrote and mailed a heartfelt letter to her and his family. Plans of any sort of service are yet to be announced due to the quarantine. I appreciate your advice. :love_letter:


There are similar communities to this that specialise in bereavement Counciling that may help you process everything in the early days. Grief is healthy but not dealt with properly can turn into depression. I am sorry for your loss. :pray:


Echoing what others have said. Go help when YOU are ready that way yiu can offer her real support and you’ll be in the right place to do it.

Im so sorry for your loss

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Yes. My mother died, and I grieved alone, and when I say “grieved”, I mean I tried to drown it in alcohol, which almost cost me everything good in my life.

My uncle died. He just wasn’t any uncle. He was the closest thing to a father that I had. I loved him dearly. This time I chose to grieve sober, and with those who also loved him. I can tell you that the grief passed much more quickly.

We are not meant to grieve alone. Shared grief isn’t multiplied…it’s divided.

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The last time I saw my brother Alan was over the Christmas holidays. He and his wife had come up from Florida. He suddenly passed away in his sleep, February 26. He will be buried March 27th in the National Cemetery here in my hometown in South Carolina.
His sudden death causes me to feel strange. Because he was not ill, there was no saying goodbye. Because he was cremated, there is no body to bury. Because we did not live near each other, there was no living amends. I am going to write down my feelings and share them with him at his funeral. I can be at peace that there was no animosity between us, and that I got sober a year before he passed away.


Hi :slight_smile: I think you should tell her exactly how you just told us. Maybe you can send her some flowers or a gift basket and card in the mail. Your reasoning is incredibly fair and I believe she will understand. I am also a survivor of suicide and I think that’s why you are having a more difficult time with this. It’s okay to tell her that!