Hello there!
These days I really don’t have anyone I can talk to about this and it makes me feel depressed and angry.
My situation is pretty difficult and even though many wouldn’t think it is that bad, I struggle every day and no one seems to care or realise it.
I wasn’t using every day and it was mainly about smoking weed which isn’t considered that harmful, but with the time I felt like this was my way of dealing with all of my problems. Metaphorically speaking, it was like there was no air and I could only breathe and really live when I was high. So I decided to stop smoking during the time I write a lot of exams (I didn’t decide about the time after yet). I get good grades, but the pressure is enormous and especially when there is an exam I sometimes have to go home because I get panic attacks. Some teachers deal with it in a kind and loving way, but others make it so much worse which was the case today.
Maybe I should mention that I go to school in Germany and I think our school system is different…I did my last year again and this is my last chance to get the degree I want (you need it to get into university). If I stay home and miss to many exams, it could be difficult to be able to finish the year.
It is just too much for me and I often just stay in bed during the whole afternoon and then go to sleep early anyways. Then I have a lot of pressure since we got tons of homework in January and now there are these exams that really terrify me.
My social situation isn’t much better:
I have a girlfriend and there are some problems I just can’t deal with although I tried. She is still smoking weed and sometimes tries to convince me to do it as well (though I told her I want to quit and that it is hard for me), often talks about smoking and even smokes her joints in front of me…now it was her birthday and because she is my girlfriend, I have to go to her party. But guess what they will be doing there…and all that in between my exams and just having been sober for 35 days.
To be honest, I don’t want this anymore, but in the other hand, the idea of ending the relationship tears my heart apart.
She doesn’t really understand that I can’t see her that often when there are a lot of exams…I am working to get a high degree while she doesn’t like school and left early. It’s not that I think she shouldn’t have done that, but there are no common interests and I can’t talk to her about things because she simply doesn’t have a lot of knowledge.
Right now I feel overwhelmed. There is an exam tomorrow and I haven’t learned yet (it is after 6 pm here) because I wrote an exam today and there were some problems because firstly, the teacher deals with my problems like she thinks I am trash and because I was so afraid of her, the exam didn’t went like I expected. I also just started learning the day before since I am depressed these days (I got new medication this week and I hope there will be a slight change). My girlfriend’s party is on Saturday and I am really not looking forward to going. I actually have to study during the weekend, because otherwise I will just start a day before the exam again. My girlfriend’s birthday was Tuesday which is why I could only learn for the exam today for one day. This makes me so angry, I sometimes struggle with self harm again.
Thank y’all for your support and kind words, I always have to cry when reading the texts people in this community write, it is so kind and touching❣️
I can talk to her about some of my problems and she always listens. She also knows about my goals and says that it is important for her if it is so for me…but she isn’t interested in school and I think she doesn’t really understand the pressure I am under since she never had that kind. She left school early and it was made easier for her because she has a learning disability…now she just stays home, it has been over a year now and I don’t think she really wants to do anything since she had the chance to get a job or go to therapy (which is as well as anything medical free in Germany, so there was nothing to stop her from going to a clinic or some kind of measure)
This is why I think she just doesn’t get how I feel…but this honestly annoys me.
I visit her every week although there is no time and for example, when I wanted to go out one time before the exams, she didn’t want to go because she said that going grocery shopping was so exhausting that she had to stay home the whole day…but it was the only thing she did in this week! This feels so unfair, but I am not sure whether my view is appropriate. It’s just that she seems lazy these days and I have even more pressure to drive to her home even though this one time I wanted to go party (I am really like a nerd studying all week, I am 20 and I was at a club one time in my life)
She made me come to her home instead (it was my last chance to go dancing or have fun outside before having the pressure of the exams and she made me get a bad conscience for wanting to go with class mates because I told her earlier that day I would go see her)
Those are just little things that add up to a problem…but when I think of leaving her, it doesn’t feel right and even the thought makes me cry.
She is sweet and has a lot of empathy which is why she could help me feel better sometimes.
Thank you for you answer 