After 18 years, I want to stay sober!

Your Story
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Hi fellow sobriety community,

my Name is Nick, I’m 32 and living in Germany, so please be kind with my English :slight_smile:

I’m new here and want to introduce myself and my life story…

Ok, where should I start?

My 1st experiences with hard liquor…

I had my 1st hangover from vodka when I was 13-14 yrs. old. Same age I started to smoke weed on a daily basis. With 16 I started to go to clubs and very fast I took Speed and XTC while partying, like alcohol only on the weekends.

My gf got pregnant and our daughter was born when we was 18. So I stopped smoking weed, speed & xtc! Weed sobriety didn’t last long, only 10 months and I smoked my 1st joint again, at least I was clean of the other shit!

I finished my apprenticeship successfully and got a lifetime contract in the same company. With 21 I switched the department and in my new department it was totally normal to drink alcohol everyday, even at work. Also a few coworkers were using cocaine. I don’t know why, but very quick I started to drink with em and sniff cocaine.

However, this was my daily life, drinking & smoking. Cocaine most times just on the weekends. One summer I started to sell cocaine and this was a big fault, because with so much cocaine in my pocket I started to use it everyday for a period of 3 months, I left my gf because of my dumb head, after 3 months my body told me to stop or something bad gonna happen. I stopped it and gladly I got back with my gf & daughter.

So life was going, I was drinking and smoking. One day totally drunk and high, I had a hit-and-run, gladly with a parked car and nobody got injured. I lost my license and had to pay 5K total for penalty and the damaged car. Gladly from this day, I never drove drunk again.

Let’s go on, a few yrs later…

…my gf saw me totally drunk kissing another girl in a club, I promised to stop drinking! I stopped it for a period of 3 yrs. but I still was smoking weed daily. Best 3 yrs. of our entire relationship.

3 yrs. later…

On a long flight, my gf and me started to drink because she was afraid. From today it’s 3 yrs ago, and I started heavily drinking again. I drank at work and at home, sometimes until I passed out and couldn’t remember anything from the last evening.

Over the past 18 yrs. I ruined a lot of family parties, weddings etc. I really disgraced myself because I was so drunk! But I need to say that I never did bullshit when I was just on weed, just when I was drunk or on hard drugs.

2018, I tried to prove myself, that I’m not addicted to weed and stopped it for the whole year. My bad, I drank a lot in 2018.

2019 was a very bad year, fall out with my parents, so I drank a lot! I ruined a whole family vacation in August because I was drunk everyday, after this vacation I promised to stay sober, it worked for just 1 month :frowning:

November 2019, probably the worst month of the last years. I ruined every weekend, I drank so much until I passed out and couldn’t even remember the days. I forgot a whole Saturday, waking up on a Sunday thinking it’s Saturday. I drank in the middle of the week, had such a hangover that I had to drink on early shift to survive the shift.

Last weekend I disgraced myself on a party, my wife and daughter didn’t even came with me to the party because I was already drunk before the party started! I drank the whole weekend from Fr-Mo morning, to cure the hangover.

My wife & daughter were so pissed that they wanted to leave me, I could convince them to stay and that I’ll start a therapy.

I had my last vodka Monday morning, my last bowl of weed on Monday evening.

I went to my doctor yesterday and told him about my problem. Tomorrow we gonna talk about my blood results and he’ll get me a therapist and they’ll decide if I need a stationary rehab or if it’s enough if I go ambulatory to group and single therapies.

Recalling the past 18 yrs. I’m shocked how much shit I’ve done. I’m blessed with a wife that didn’t left me in 16 yrs horrible relationship. I never harmed her physically but I really destroyed her mentally. It really hurts! But I’m thankful that she never gave up on me and stayed with me. Mainly because of our daughter, she said without our daughter she had left me many years ago.

Writing this down, hurts and feels good at the same time! I’m at the point, I just want to be sober, I can’t control myself, I can’t control alcohol, alcohol controls me!

I’m 2 days sober now, I’m confident, I’m looking forward to the therapy to talk about everything and get to know why I’m so easy attracted to drugs! I guess I’ve deep psychological issues and I’ve always wanted to drown them in alcohol and drugs! I had a relatively good childhood, except of a narcissistic father and a hysterical mother.

If you read this, thank you, it’s a long ass post but I needed to get this out of me. Not a lot of people know this, most people think we are the perfect family because we can hold the picture of a perfect family up!

I’m looking forward to good conversations and to be strong with y’all to STAY SOBER FOREVER!

Sincerely,

Nick

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Wow, what a story. I can really see the powerlessness and unmanageability because my addiction story is full of that, too.

Once I made sobriety my top priority and put as much effort as I possibly could every day into my recovery, I saw lasting results. I was scared shitless, and some days I’m still scared shitless, but I don’t want my story to end with addiction. Courage is doing what I need to do even with fear.

Glad you’re here and good luck!

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Hay Nick sounds to me like u have hit your rock bottom. It’s great u r getting help from your doctor . When i first went into recovery i got asked am I willing to go to any lengths to gain sobriety … hell yes I was willing so I went to a aa meeting every day for 90 days and it really did change my life . Please keep reading up on here and reaching out. Things do get better once we put the work in to our recovery. Good luck x

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The story is familiar, it’s going to be hard, this feeling is going to change probably, I hope not, but probably, you may slump… Its likely. You have to remeber this feeling of guilt, and I’ve been on here day and night, before work and after and during and especially at night when the bars call… Its going to be a full time effort, honestly I’m on this site like a life line… When anger comes I open it and read someone… When boredom, hopelessness, sadness, loneliness, shame comes, and when I’m feeling good I open it… I’m not ready to share this with my family yet and friends, because they wouldn’t believe me if I told them… So I come here… Until I can go to them with something solid. It’s got to be all in,…

My advice, emerse yourself in the stories here and help of any kind. People here know things and they can help… You are very not alone!!

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Thanks for your reply Neal!

Exactly, I don’t want to be remembered as a drunk head! Life has more to give!

I remember in 2018 when I stopped weed it was very strange to me because I was smoking weed 50% of my life. I had personality issues, like who the fuck am I? I had feelings which I never had or knew before…but sadly I was drinking to suppress the real me!

I’m looking forward to get to know the real ME!

I love music, I also play piano and guitar but I neglected it over the years. I need to put all my effort into my music!

My guitar teacher always told me that I’ve talent but after I discovered drugs and alcohol, I stopped doing music!

See you around :slight_smile:

Peace!

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Thanks for your reply Natalie!

Yea, even if I thought a lot of times that I had hit my rock bottom, I feel like this time is the worst time! I can’t anymore, I’m crying out of nowhere, even now replying to you my eyes get wet. I’ve so strange feelings, usually I’d hit my Vaporizer now, but I need to be strong! For my family!

Yea my Doc was very cool but it was so hard to open up about my problems, last year I had high blood pressure for some time, and I didn’t told him about my drinking behavior, but now he knows where it comes from!

Wow 90days everyday! Impressive! I’ll talk to him tomorrow what will the best for me but yea I already thought about visiting AA, we have AA too over here, I was always too afraid to go there because I didn’t knew how it’s gonna be or because I told myself “nah you’re not that bad of an alcoholic” but damn I am, to be an alcoholic isn’t just to drink everyday, it’s also if you can’t control it like I can’t, also I never wanted to meet someone I knew. Maybe it’s better to go to a different city than my hometown.

Looking forward to check more posts and read peoples stories and achievements

See you around :slight_smile:

Peace!

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Thanks for your reply Max

Exactly what I want to do! I’m so happy I discovered this app yesterday, I just wanted to have a reminder how long I’m sober to strengthen my feelings(I’ve a similar app when I stopped cigarettes in 2013 and it helps, even if I had a few cigarettes whenever I was drunk)! But when I saw the Forum, I was so happy! I’m on forums since 2000, different forums, music, car and even on weed forums, I found a lot of friends on the whole planet and I’m sure it will be the same here, and even stronger friendships because we all share the same illness.

I feel you, in my circle are a lot people who have an alcohol problem but most of them don’t want to see the truth or they see the truth and say “fuck it, I’m an alcoholic, I don’t care”

I told my best friend I’d go to the Doc, he was happy (and he ended up in a hospital because of alcohol last Friday night after we went to a club) he also has enough of alcohol, I hope he’ll stay strong!

I told it to another friend (who has a problem too but he says that he doesn’t care) he laughed at me and said “come on don’t exaggerate, stop drinking for 2 weeks and everything’s gonna be fine again” I was just shaking my head, maybe when I’m the 1st one out of all my friends who admits that I’ve a problem, more friends will admit and see their problems and stop drinking.

Even my own father told me to stay sober for some time and then I can start with a few beers. Smh! How could my own father tell me something like that, instead of pushing and supporting me to stop forever!

My grandpa was alcoholic, my uncle is alcoholic, he has gout and still doesn’t stops drinking smh!

Talking to y’all already feels really good to me, because it’s not so easy to talk to friends or family who doesn’t support or understand you. Only can talk to my wife about this, but she doesn’t have an addiction so she doesn’t understands me!

See you around :slight_smile:

Peace!

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Bless your heart I really understand that scary feeling of walking through the door of aa totally terrified that someone will know me … but everyone is there 4 the same reason. I see a guy who I cut his hair ( I’m a barber) and he was so kind towards me and we never talk about aa in my work … we are all the same so please don’t worry x sending hugs and strength your way x

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Thanks for sharing. Reread this over and over to yourself everyday. Please just stop. Therapy and AA would be something of interest to me if I were in your shoes. Also checking this app on the daily really helps!!! Good luck and god speed man!

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Thank you so much!

That’s cool, yea we are all the same, struggling the same!

I’ll be at my Doc in 40min. I’m a lil bit nervous about it! Also in 40 min. I’ll hit 3 days sober of alcohol :pray:

Tonight I slept better than the last 2 nights, but I still woke up a few times and was thinking about everything. Also had very vivid dreams, dreamed about a hospital visit and a therapy meeting! Crazy how the subconscious processes everything at night, but that’s not new to me, when I stopped smoking weed I had very crazy and vivid dreams also!

Maybe I’ll open a dream thread, where we all can talk about our dreams :smiley:

Blessings!

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Thank you :pray:

Indeed, exactly what I’m doing, can’t count how often I’ve read it already!

Yea, I’ll be at my Doc in a minute to check my blood results and talk about therapy, I’m so nervous!

Blessings!

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Been to a couple of meetings in Germany when visiting relatives im sure your be made welcome wish you well

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Thank you :pray:

I was at my Doctor earlier today, even if my liver results are high, my liver and other organs didn’t took damage!

He said he’ll find a therapy for me, a few hrs later he called me and found a psychologist for me, I’ve an appointment next week on Friday. I’m looking forward to it and I’m a lil bit scared because I never went to a psychologist.

I’ll try this and I guess I’ll visit AA additionally.

Blessings

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Hi Sober Community,

I had to dig up my 1st thread! Just to let y’all, who cared for me and were there for me in this hard times know that I’m back on track!

After my sign up here, I was able to stay sober for 5 months and in April `20 I got the 1st relapse from weed, I thought I could do it only on the weekends but I ended up smoking daily pretty fast.

Sooner than expected I got back drinking alcohol and also into cocaine. I didn’t even had the balls to come back here to talk about my relapse. Well, since then I had several relapses and also a couple months of sobriety, but I couldn’t make it!

I had a heavy relapse and was constantly drunk from March 2nd to 5th '21, and now here I am again, fighting my demons!! Also had to face the fact that Ive a problem with my sexuality and PMO, but I’m working on it!!

5 days off PMO, 8 days off weed, 8 days off alcohol & 11 Days off cocaine!!

I just tagged a few who replied to my threads in 2019, just to let you know that it was much appreciated and helped me a lot!

Let’s go into the next Round, next Try!

@NealRecoveryCA @Natnat @Greymook @mvorapan @Ray_M_C_Laren @Blondie1x @anon79808082 @Jerdun @SassyRocks @crystalclear

I hope y’all doing well and in good condition!!

Love you all guys!!

Stay Sober & Healthy!!

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Welcome back! Remember any amount is too much. Keep up the good work, day by day and stay POSITIVE!

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