Hi everyone,
I’ve been on here before discussing my alcoholic partner before, but I just needed to reach out tonight as my anxiety is through the roof.
I am still finding my feet with sobriety, 68 days, and it’s going well. But I find it really hard to be around my boyfriend when he’s been drinking. He knows this, and the plan is he will only come over when he’s completely sober. As a consequence, he’s only stayed at my house about 2ce since I’ve been sober. I know he’s drinking a lot, and I will often go to sit with him for an hour or so knowing that he’s drinking. Otherwise I’d never see him.
Last night he had to go away for work, and he ended up getting smashed, and I had to hear about it several times, which I had to let go over my head. He knows he has a problem and he’s made a few a steps to get help and I’m trying to be supportive but he’s not making any changes. Tonight he came over and lay down on my bed while k was cooking dinner for everyone, and the room reeked of alcohol. I asked him why he drank before he came over and I just says ‘I don’t know’. I had to ask him to leave. Since then I have had severe anxiety and feel like crying.
Every time we do talk about it, he brings up the fact that he stood by me when I was struggling with my mental health (which Ofcourse was alcohol induced) and I don’t think it’s fair, like he’s trying to put his shame and guilt back to me because I should be supporting him.
But it’s too late to support him when he arrives half cut to my house. And it makes me feel sick and upset and I need to support myself first and foremost. But I know he will make me feel guilty tomorrow if or when I see him.
Thanks for listening, I know you all understand and this group has really helped me through the last few months (and the 7 months last year).
I feel so sad 
He thinks he can go down the path of drinking socially. I don’t want to preach to him and tell him that that is not an option for him. He has been drinking 1/2 bottle to over a Litre of vodka a day for 7 years.
He is also lying to me about it which I really don’t like. I’m an alcoholic. He can’t lie to me! I know!
Good morning, having a partner in addiction is very hard. Especially when one is working on change and the other isn’t. There is a fine line in there when your talking about being his support or when he was supporting you. You have to think at the time in your active addiction was he sober encouraging you to stop, or talking with you when you were feeling down and out, helping build you back up? Or was his idea of support just dealing with your choices good or bad, or dealing with your emotions during that time? Then say well I supported you why can’t you be there for me? Now I have no idea how long y’all have been together nor the dynamics of your relationship so I’m definitely only suggesting here.
So first and foremost you have to be 100% sure that you are going to put YOU first and not waver your beliefs or spirit building energy to accommodate anyone else’s bad behavior or choices that may interfere with your sobriety, mental health, emotional health and spiritual health. Stop for a moment and think about your entire relationship, think about what it would of been like without any alcohol? Or if you truly know this person without it, or if you would even like this person without it?
Setting boundaries and sticking to them is a must for taking the steps in your life to have control of your outcome. Sounds like you have already set a pace your just working in figuring out how to have boundaries and your boyfriend at the same time. If you can’t get him in a sober place to have an honest conversation and you said it yourself your chasing him down to spend time together because his priorities are alcohol not the relationship then your answer is right there. You have to be willing to accept that people change and not everyone can go with you through it. We lead by example and as heartbreaking as it is he will only do to you what you allow him to do. I am saying this from direct experience! I spent 13 years and two kids later in a very unhealthy addiction active relationship. I had to leave eventually because he chose addiction over the family. Now it’s many years later and he’s still battling. But making the choice to put myself first was the hardest challenge and not allowing anyone else to change my feelings. So many blessings to you hope this helps.
You’ll get some awesome advice here, I know it.
I want to share one thought my therapist has inspired in me: it would not be supportive to him to encourage by ignoring and decontextualise his drinking and have him believe it has no consequences. It would not be supportive to yourself, yes, but neither to him or your relationship NOT to have boundaries like not seeing each other when he drinks. It would not be supportive to him letting him continue to believe the lie that alcohol and alcoholism has no adverse effect on his life. That you’re there no matter what. Because you cannot be and will not be. You’re not a commodity. You’re not a thing. You ARE being supportive to your boyfriend in the long run, in my opinion, by being real with him and letting him see you, your needs, your wants. That’s a big deal. You’re doing good. Support should be seen in regards to the person’s best interest, not making things the least uncomfortable for them.
You are not responsible for someone else’s choices. You’re making this wonderfully clear. Shaming you should be off limits. Call it out.
Congrats on your sobriety. 
Thank you so much for your response.
He is a great guy when he’s sober, makes me cringe when he’s drunk, loud, obnoxious, you know the deal. And he has been a support to me, if I need someone to talk to during work hours, he’s sober and amazing. But I do feel as though he is putting the bottle before me, even though logically I know he is an addict so his love for vodka over me is not necessarily true. Though it hurts as it comes across that way. I guess this is why I’m sticking in there with him and trying to be supportive, but it’s hard when I don’t see him doing anything to help himself. I have done everything possible to get where I am right now. It came from me, not him, not anybody else. And I know tomorrow he’ll throw it back at me again, for not being supportive tonight. I feel like it’s quite abusive to be honest.
Thank you. Perfectly said. I’m going to re read that message a few more times. Thank you so much
As an alcoholic and the partner of an alcoholic, you may find lots of wisdom and support at an Al-Anon meeting.
@Mali Sorry that you are having such a rough time.
Totally agree that they are not necessarily putting (“their choice of addiction above you”) they love their partner but the addiction is even bigger than they are. That’s the problem.
I don’t know how I would tackle sobriety if I had a partner that drank like yours. I think I would feel angry and triggered all the time.
I know we are supposed to be able to do anything we set our minds too, but respect is a big thing. Loud and obnoxious would worry me a lot. Don’t do well with noise or crazy behaviour.
In the mean time keep focused on your goals. Maybe go and chat to a counsellor, so you can get clarity on options and the way forward. Keep strong 
I feel your frustration. I lived your life for 18 months and it was hell. The only difference is we live under the same roof. The lying and slurring caused a lot of anger and resentment and he truly believed he was getting over on me. That’s the alcoholic lying not the person we love. My husband had countless half assed attempts at sobriety until he finally gave in and went to AA. I know it’s easier said than done but keeping those boundaries are a must for the both of you. Sending you big hugs 
Hi Mali, I’m so sorry to hear about that. It is heartbreaking to see someone lost in their addiction and it is just so hard, when someone has been such a presence in your life for so long. The people we are with have a big impact on us 
Al-Anon is designed exactly for this. It is for the partners of alcoholics. At those meetings you will find understanding and lots of support. They have in person and online meetings:
Take care and don’t give up. You deserve a life that is working for you
Yes, been there too. I’ve been to a few classes on addiction, explaining the science behind it, and how the brain builds neurone pathways towards addiction. The teacher said that only a very minimal amount of people are successful with social drinking after drinking heavily, and even then they need to be sober for years before hand. Most of us after picking up a drink again will find that emotional joy and happiness that we receive from dopamine, which our brains remember being triggered by our Drinking, or substance of abuse. Thus rewinding years of sobriety just to follow the old pathway that we have taken years to cover up. And we start to follow our old pattern, often increasing the amount that we drink, and more quickly.
It’s an awful disease!
Thank you. I’ve searched that site before and couldn’t work it out, but just had a look and there’s a local meeting to me on Wednesday that I will attend. Thank you so much
I wish my partner would go to AA. He’s just not there yet. I also worry about his health! He’s not a spring chicken anymore. Thank you.
Ps. The slurring, the smell, the hiding, it’s just the worst! I get so much anxiety, trying not to get angry I think. It’s awful
Stay Strong!!!
I’m going through this with my husband. Its so hard. I don’t know how much more fight I have left in me.
Yes. This! All of this.
We all have to make sure our own seatbelt is fastened first.
I’m so sorry, it’s so hard isn’t it? I am so miserable, and he’s happy as Larry downing his vodka over at his house watching crap TV all weekend, the time that is supposed to be set aside for me. I’m at a complete loss, and I’m so sorry you are going through the same thing.
Does your husband talk about cutting down or joining you in sobriety?
He almost got a dui and lost everything 3 weeks ago and this isn’t the first rodeo with insane shit due to drinking so yeah he is actively trying because I’m really close to walking away. I can’t let oue kids see the behavior much longer because they’re getting to the age where its really going to stick. Plus they deserve all of both of us. Not just me…so if he’s gonna be here but not be here than I’d rather do it alone ya know.