I keep relapsing because I’m bored and numb. I’m sick of feelings this way and I need a clear head for work. I keep restarting and thinking I’ll just stop like I have some power in this. The only time I’ve ever found success is posting here but sometimes I just don’t want to admit my down fall and I just keep going. I use food the same way to numb myself but the thing is I don’t even enjoy getting high anymore. It feels impossible to think I could ever be happy without it in my life. Like how am I supposed to go to sleep without it how can I calm down? The idea of missing it makes me anxious and I know that’s part of the problem. Just screaming to the void
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Not screaming to the void. Sharing it with us. Thanks for that Bella. IMHO at least partly this could be a case of chicken and egg. Do you relapse because you’re bored and numb or are you bored and numb because you keep relapsing, and thus stay in active addiction? Recovery isn’t the same as being sober. Recovery is building ourselves a life we don’t need to run from and that we don’t need to numb. Recovery is finding connection. Recovery is not being numb. Maybe part of Recovery is boredom, although I prefer to call it emptiness, and to learn to be comfortable with that part of life which is emptiness. Not every moment has to be filled.
And true happiness isn’t found in consumption or addictive behaviours. It’s found in living the right way. I’m glad you’re here. We’re in this together. Hugs.
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I get that. When i got sober, i made a list of everyrhing i needed to do or wanted to do. I neglected so much of my life because i was drunk.
On that list were long neglected chores, skills I wanted to learn, places I wanted to see, ect.
It was a sober bucket list of sorts. It kept me busy.
I found a recovery program. It gave me something to do and helped me relearn how to live.
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Hi, maybe you’ll find this thread useful, it helped me quite a lot despite the fact there were already many lessons learned on my side from each and every relapse before. If you feel bored and there are no significant factors putting you under pressure (your life is kind of comfortable enough, you name it) then try to think of new challenging objectives and plans towards successfully fulfilling them. Go outside of your comfortable zone, challenge your fears, acquire courage. I was anxious, afraid of the first night without the bottle and ‘surprisingly’ I found out amount of fear I did build up in my head was abnormally higher than what reality presented itself.
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Are you looking for advice or just venting? Many members here have achieved long term sobriety and can tell you how they did it. I have noticed that the members who are most active here or in their recovery program usually fare the best.
We all need to vent sometimes but what we need all the time is action because venting won’t get us sober.
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Hi Bella, I know it sucks. It really, royally sucks, and it feels like you’re at the bottom of a canyon, surrounded by tall cliffs on all sides, yelling up to the edges for help, and it feels like there’s no one within a thousand miles to hear you. I get it.
You can’t climb cliffs alone. Not these cliffs. You need to have guidance other people who have climbed these cliffs before. You need them at the top, talking you through the climb: there’s a spot for your foot there; a handhold there; there’s a place you can rest there.
But what makes the difference - what makes the climb actually happen - is you climbing. Those guides at the top of the cliff can talk you through it. (Guides are essential. You do need them.) But until you physically reach up for that handhold; until you wedge your foot into that crevice, to get ready for your next reach, for your next stretch up the cliff - until you actually do those things, following the instructions of your guides, you will not get better.
It is possible.
It is possible.
It is always one step, one foothold, one stretch at a time. But it is possible. And eventually, if you persist - always one day at a time; one hour at a time; don’t think about tomorrow, don’t think “these cliffs are so tall!”, don’t get preoccupied with all that big-picture stuff, just do one step at a time, you can always do just one step, it’s just a few inches - if you persist in that way, you will get to the top.
Start by looking for your first step. You will need guides: other people, knowledgeable people. This thread has resources to start:
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You’re not just screaming into the void though even if it feels that way and even if it feels you’ve made no progress because of relapses. The most important step is recognizing you have a problem. Once that happens you can’t ignore it. You may drink but you’re still aware of your problem. Now it’s just a matter of finding what your path to success looks like. Every time you relapse you define a new way in which you see what causes a relapse. You can build from your relapses. They show you what your battles are and thus give you a road map of things you must prepare to battle against. I’m was the same way with other substances too. After I quit drinking I had to quit smoking and even coffee because I was just replacing alcohol with something else to obsess about. You’re doing great! Keep going!!!