Is anyone here in school? Specifically a masters or doctoral program? I’m a second year PhD student and I feel like my drinking and depression have really escalated as a result of my schoolwork. I think my drinking really took off during my MFA as a way to fight Imposter Syndrome and as a way to deal with the constant pressure to produce quality work. I continued to drink heavily after I graduated when my plans to enter the job market didn’t pan out. Now that I’m back in school, I’ve maintained my heavy drinking for the same reasons I started 4 years ago. I don’t know what I would do professionally if I were to leave or at least take a leave of absence, but my self-esteem and motivation are so, so low and my passion for writing and my work is dwindling as a result. Anyway, I’m 4 days sober (again) and am working to get appointments with various doctors and counselors. Anyone else feel that their addictions are tied to their passions or schoolwork? It’s very much a double-edged sword.
Hey friend. I too am a grad student finishing up a PhD. I defend in three weeks and I’m essentially scared shitless. Not because of the defense…my research is solid and my committee is made up of generally decent, supportive scholars. I’m scared about what happens on D-Day +1. Ive already applied for a ton of post docs, visiting professor positions, and tenure track jobs, all of which turned me down. This sense of dread that it won’t be worth it in the end has stayed with me for the past six years and my drinking as a result went through the roof. Anxiety levels multiplied by a thousand. My partner is amazing and has been supportive through all of the ups and downs. Exactly 35 days ago, I decided that being hammered all the time was not going to help getting a good job and was, in fact, hurting my most important relationships. I was starting to get the reputation among colleagues at academic conferences as the “party guy”. So, i put the bottles of bourbon down, poured out the IPAs and the anxiety has slowly begun to fade. Granted, it’s still there, but therapy and this forum have helped tremendously. Good luck with your diss and feel free to hit me up to chat about whatever’s on your mind.
The pressure to publish for me started early in grad school. I have 2 first author peer-reviewed pubs, three where I’m third author, an external grant, loads of teaching experience as the instructor of record and I STILL can’t get as much as a nibble on the job market. Maybe that will change once I have the PhD in hand.
Three per year in a tenure track position is a pretty tough ask. What was your teaching load? Did you advise students and serve on department committees?
Ah, gotcha. I’m at an R1 state school, so no ivy league pedigree for me. I honestly think I’ve been setting my sites too high right out of the gate. We’ll see what happens.
Absolutely.
While working on my PhD, drinking was a big part of the culture. Cramming for qualifiers, doing research, teaching duties. It started with the social part and turned into my default for “winding down.” That was just the beginning of a long and horrible relationship.
A bunch of us sensed drinking was getting to be frequent and heavy, so we’d back it off once in a while. Didn’t stop the habit from coming back.
When I got done and had a career ahead of me it completely spiraled out of control. I escaped to the bottle every night. Lying to myself that I needed it to relax, to sleep. Now in sobriety I realize that was 100% BS. Sure, I’d black out every night. But the sleep I’ve had sober is so much more restful. And relaxation? Pft. The time I wasted drinking is put to so much better use taking care of what’s right in front of me. Not having anything left to worry about and learning how to let go of what isn’t mine is much more of a load off.
It was touch and go for a while. I knew I needed help but out-smarted/undermined myself before I really accepted how ingrained my busted thinking was: Sobered up, got drunk again. Got help for a while, sobered up longer, thought I had it “under control,” then tested the waters and drank myself into oblivion for years. Finally realized maybe I had a thinking problem and didn’t really “got this.”
It’s all clear as day now after only seven months sober. Getting with a program and unlearning a lot of bad thinking made all the difference. Now I’m all about first things first and one day at a time!
Oh man I relate to all of this so much.
Something else that struck me in hindsight: For a long time my degree/career seemed like the most important thing in the world. In truth, it was only the thing I had the most time invested in.
With that came subconscious fear that drove drinking. With the drinking came a narrowing view of what I valued. Wash, rinse, repeat. I clung to it, slowly drifting further from the people and places that mattered to me most.
Lately I’m remembering my degree was only one means to an end. Usually even a good one when I was still coming from the right place. Who I am as a whole person is so much more than my education, though. What is possible for my life is much bigger than the most obvious path.
I’ve been getting the “I got it under control” thoughts a lot recently. Trying to shove them away as much as possible.
Yessssss. Likewise to everything you said here:
Frankly this thread is timely for me. I’m reflecting on it a lot too lately.
It’s hard to fault the career too much. The lion’s share is wrapped up in my drinking and how I internalized stuff. They’re entangled though, and excited for what’s next as my values wiggle around.
A relief to hear I’m not the only one!
Same! I’m hoping that everything will fall back into place once I get enough sober time under my belt. It’s hard to determine if it’s the career, the depression, or the drink that’s making me feel this way.
Have you or have you at least thought about taking a break? I’m so close to being finished with coursework. It’s teaching and comps next year, so if I was going to take a leave of absence, this seems like the right time…
I didn’t understood the title of this thread at first, but I’m happy I opened it. I can relate to a lot of what you guys say.
@Kickinghorse1 same here : November I started to feel depressive even though I was 6 months sober. But I was really isolating myself since June to finish my courses and doing my doctoral exam… so when I finished it , I looked around me and there was nothing. I have pushed away people to be productive at school and sober, then when the semester was done and I was facing at 3 weeks off, i didn’t even know what to do. Depression got me, or school got me, or wrong sober coping got me (isolation)? Well for Christmas I started drinking again, and 3 months later i can tell you that everything is worse with alcool. Because I still want to isolate myself to be productive, but I’m not because of my drinking. SO I chose to put the money I was putting on alcohol on a therapist. For me it worked before: got sober while in therapy and coped better with depression. And it’s a good place to reflect about your priorities, school , career, family…
And eh @Bootz 3 pubs is productive damn. I have two going on but can’t put on the work… I still got that imposter syndrome 
@Eke , I feel like you just punched me in the face. I always forget that school isn’t everything. But it’s hard to let this thought go. The year I got accepted for my PhD my ez girlfriend broke up with me and I only had this to put my mind into. This and booze. Now, when I get off booze, i feel like there’s only school: i want to finish… it’s a 6 years PhD program here to become a therapist/researcher. So the thing is, because I wasted so many time on drinking, I feel like I can’t give myself time to do stuff like music, easy writing, etc… but with what you said I’m afraid I’ll finish school and just hit a wall , or worst, I’ll hit nothing, just the emptiness. And damn I don’t want that. But it’s hard to manage everything. Glad to see you got through !
Speaking to my own experience, all that’s clear so far is the next right thing was impossible to find when I drank.
Today I’ve put down boundaries. Sobriety is first, then I do my honest best. I make time for life and recovery outside of work. Where that leads… time will tell. Might stay, might leave, might even get let go. 
Today is alright though!
Definitely. It feels like the only thing I have and it’s maybe my greatest accomplishment (even my dad cried when I was accepted to the program). I know it’s a means to an end, but I guess I’m questioning if I even want that end anymore…
Thank you for this!
Depending on the field, there are plenty of careers outside of academia. I’ve been looking at that route more and more lately.
What’s your field? I’m Literature and creative writing
Anthropology (I’m an archaeologist)
Yes the more I’m going through this the more I believe I might not keep going in an academia career. Or maybe just teaching.
I’m in psychology, so I obviously want to do clinic, but wasn’t planing on doing it full time. Planned on doing like my director and be a teacher and researcher and clinical psychotherapist… but just writing that got me tired lol
Sounds like some good options there. Whatever it takes to be happy and not riddled with anxiety. That’s what typically triggers me to numb it with booze. Archaeologists are notorious drunks. But I bet the same goes for writers and psychologists. We all try to recreate and probe foreign worlds–whether through the pen, the mind, or the past.