I assume, from many posts, that many on this site have experienced the devastation that alcoholism or addiction has brought to them, especially when it led to divorce. It is difficult to reconcile for me the idea that alcoholism is a disease, and therefore not really my “fault,” especially when mine was brought on (or triggered) mostly from being diagnosed with PTSD by an intensely stressful job (see Sicario and think of the good guy Americans in the courtroom), and not getting a lot of support at home, and a wife I still love filing for divorce as a result. Even after trying to show her over and over again how seriously I was taking this (5 inpatient treatments in 3 years), and still having 3 young kids at home. I now live alone, 2 blocks from my “real house.” I’ve tried to do everything right: treatment, AA, good sponsor, but I still find myself daily devastated by the sense of loss and what “might have been.” I go to meetings, talk to my sponsor and other guys from treatment, have essentially stopped drinking (with the occasional short relapse when I get really sad), and yet the divorce will likely be final in the coming month or two. We’ve been separated for a year and a half, and therefore scant chance of reconciliation. I can tie almost all of that back to using alcohol to numb my stress, anxiety, and not getting a lot of support and love at home, but it doesn’t help on the days and nights I don’t get to see my kids (I still see them 3 days a week, but not yet on a regular schedule - she was, in my opinion, hyper-sensitive to my acknowledged drinking, but it was rarely over the top.
Anyone with a similar experience and coping mechanisms? I’ve thrown myself into being a good dad, but it is unfair to ask young kids to be the kind of support you get from an adult relationship. Love, community, sex, all are part of human nature, alcoholic or not.
I’m not sure if you served in the armed forces, but there’s treatment available through the VA. Also I recommend therapy or counseling. It helped me a lot.
With all due respect, I get counseling, and I don’t blame anyone but Chapi Guzman, the largest drug trafficker in the world who threatened to cut my and my family’s head off. I never should have posted this. Ever been responsible for (or scared that you would be responsible for) 17 severed heads in a warehouse in a Mexico?
I wish I had some great words of wisdom to offer but I don’t have kids and certainly have never seen the things you’ve had to see. All I can say is that I get your comment about not getting support…typically home environments aren’t very supportive of PTSD and other mental health challenges. That’s not blame, that’s understanding there are shortfalls in understanding, empathy, patience etc that are natural and understandable when people don’t have exposure or experience dealing with mental health and addictions issues. Would it help to connect to others who’ve been through traumas and/or divorce? (Group counselling etc). I’m sure there are many on here that do understand what types of things you might be going through. Keep taking care of yourself. You deserve it. You can take care of your family when you’re well.
I don’t mean to be harsh; that’s why I qualified my initial message the way I did. Seeing the daily cables from DEA-Mexico City that I did and feeling responsible for the families of witnesses who might meet the same fate. I can’t really bring this stuff up locally because I don’t want people to know who I am. For seven years, trying to make sure people didn’t get killed. Watch any late night narco show. As a law school friend in the program said to me lately, you sacrificed your marriage for our country. I’m not sure it was worth the trade, but military guys do it all the time.
I’m not looking for sympathy; looking for folks who endured divorce as a result of their alcoholism. Sympathetic and decent thoughts - not lectures - I get those those from my sponsor.
That’s fine - believe me, I wasn’t here to fight. I asked a simple question: anyone gone through a divorce caused, largely, by their alcoholism. I don’t blame anyone (other than that short little prick in Mexico with 170,000 people working for him; 62 of whom I put in jail for 30 years to life - trafficking tens of thousands of cocaine into the U.S. buys you that result). I was looking for help with the personal emotional fallout of being alone when you’ve done the best you can, have the disease, have done the right things (treatment, AA, sponsor, counseling, meetings), and you are still horribly alone, even when your name is splashed all over the press.
Not your fault. Hard to understand. I’ll go it alone.
How do people breathe after diving into a pool? They just do, because they want to live. You don’t need you wife, you don’t need your kids to live, or be happy.
You have a tough job, you knew what you were getting into when you signed up for it.
Our stories are all like chapters in a book, time to start a new chapter. Accept that and you may be able to be happy again.
Going through a separation and getting sober has been my story for the last year. I have 2 small kids that are caught in the middle. When I first started going to AA I was doing it to get my wife back but not to long ago I realized it was holding me back from fully recovering. We both now live in condos a couple miles apart instead of the bid house we had built. I spent most of the year depressed full of self pity and self loathing. I started to let go. I work on my relationship with the kids and stay active in AA. I talk to people in the program because unlike normal people they understand the difficulties in changing. Everything takes time. Time to figure out what you want and need in your life. It is your life. We are not bad people just got caught up in this desiese. I wish you the best. Know you are not alone.
My parents divorced because of my dads alcoholism. He was unfortunately never able to beat the alcohololism and let the divorce fuel his drinking even more. He had limited spurts of sobriety, but everybody suffered.
Hes currently entering hospice for a failing liver and all the other complications.
I hope you are able to find peace.
Sorry im probably of any help, but i only have my experience to offer.
I wish my dad was around a bit more when we were young, but it sounds like youre doing that for your kids though.
Thanks Butch. Almost identically situated. I’m starting to let go, and I talk to a lot of guys in the program. But it’s been tough and I’ve been really hard on myself, which of course does no good. Still have a good relationship with my kids, although my wife is making a big deal out of alcohol in the divorce.
I’m not sure how much my drinking affected the marriage she presented one day that she didn’t love me the way awife should and always knew something was missing which for lack of a better word fucked me up. I still have that resentment but as they say get rid of resentments or you will drink about them. My kids are 9 and 12. They know I’m an alcoholic though they don’t remember me being out of hand too much. They know I go to meetings. Once I quit drinking and going out to parties is the time my wife said she is done. Go figure lol. I started to work the program for her but it is for me now. I want to be a better person for me. I want to like the reflection in the mirror. If I was still drinking through this process I would have pulled the trigger rather than fanticise about it. I can handle today as long as I don’t pick up. If I get depressed I go to a meeting. I make phone calls I type on here. Life gets better it takes time. Work the steps work with a sponsor. Type on here what ever it takes. Go to any lengths for sobriety because you are worth it.
The last sentence in this post is the one that jumps out at me. Your wife is making a big deal about the alcohol in the divorce.
It speaks to what’s in your control and what’s out of your control. “And the Wisdom to know the difference”. You can’t control the past. It happened. The future, well that’s Gods business. You can influence the future by your actions today but that’s about it.
Today All that’s completely in your control is if alcohol is in this picture or if it isn’t. This is how you can influence your future for the positive or negative. It’s up to you
Thanks to you all. I have been around long enough - five treatments and, say, 300 meetings in 3 1/2 years, to know all the jargon and to know to stay in touch. I probably talk to five guys in the program every day, including my sponsor. I have heard the horror stories far worse than mine. And many that are more benign (the “I didn’t really suffer any consequences” line you hear at meetings sometimes). I think the thing I was not really prepared for was the rush of emotions that came with sobriety that I used to numb. Real life stuff - I still love my wife and loved our family together. I absolutely adore my children (10, 8 and 8). And no matter how hard I tried, my wife was not having it. My counselor and several guys in the program have said that, in six months, it will say more about her than it does me. In my view, it isn’t a competition or a need to be right or validated. God knows I have f*cked up enough that she had every right to say “enough.” For whoever commented that I wasn’t owning my sh!t, believe me, I have. But that doesn’t lessen the loneliness of a Saturday night home alone. Life is not what it was 15 years ago, with a group of guys who played hoops twice a week, went to Cubs games on weekends, hung out after work. I did what most of us middle aged guys do - move to the burns and life centered around kids, work, and the occasional social event. Now it is very lonely.
Only sobriety will allow me the fresh start I desperately need. Get divorced, new job, new house, a “new normal.” A buddy of mine, who is not an alcoholic, got divorced and was devastated. He gave me a solid piece of advice; focus on being a good dad, and always try to take the high road.
On a slightly different but related topic, if you didn’t watch the EDPYs the other night, Google the tribute to Jim Kelly, the former Buffalo Bills quarterback, and substitute “alcoholism” for cancer. As Jimmy V said, “Don’t give up; don’t ever give up.” I am not a crier, but the tears were streaming, especially as a former college quarterback.
Thanks all for the support. We need each other, as Jim Kelly makes abundantly clear.
Hey man. I just wanna throw in one more thing. You said something like “no matter how hard I’ve tried”. That sounds like how I was too.
I had someone suggest that I stop trying so hard. They asked me something like “remember in high school when you would act like you didn’t care and it would make the girl want you more?”
It sounds silly I know but it might help. It at the least helped me get out of that kissing my wife’s ass phase of our separation. It’s un healthy. At least it was for me.
Just a thought man. I’m not saying this or that. Just throwing it out there
I wish you all the best. I’m glad you have some people to help you through this