Hi Kat, I am so sorry to hear about the spot you’re in. I can hear how heartbroken and frustrated you are. You feel like a failure, is that right?
You’re not alone. Every single one of us here has felt the same way at one point or another.
You know what else? You’re not alone in this: you can recover. You can do this. You are capable of it.
Alcohol is not my addiction, but there are many people here who struggle(d) with is just as much as you do. But I will say the most important thing is you see the problem and you want to change.
The next step is to start working your recovery, one day at a time. Learn as much as you can. Read around. Listen to podcasts. Learn about how addiction rewires your brain (and habits) - and about how it’s possible to fix it.
Learn about recovery programs. There are many to choose from; each is unique. Recovery groups have helped many people here, from all addictions. You would likely find it helpful too.
This thread has a good list of resources:
Resources for our recovery
Most important of all: never, ever give up. Never give up. You are a good person. You matter, and you belong, and you are worthy. You can work your recovery, one day at a time.
Welcome to our little community!