Hello! I just discovered this app and I’m hoping to get some insight. Ill start by saying that I am a recovering drug addict from my teen years (I’d got sent away to a program after overdosing on oxy’s back when I was 15) and managed to cut drugs out of my life by 16. Even through those years, alcohol was never an issue for me. In fact, I hated it. Anytime I drank as an adult, I was always able to drink in moderation and never felt an urge to do drugs. Once I hit about age 25, I was at a high in my life with my career, social group, a following…but I was drinking more and more, up to a 2’6 of vodka each evening by myself. Needless to say, I was in denial and used the “I just have a high tolerance” excuse to anyone with concerns.
By age 26, March of 2017, I experienced two back-to-back traumatic sexual assaults and everything just fell out of place. I became depressed, severely depressed, I lost my job, I lost the majority of my friends due to my depression and overall negativity and the alcohol started flowing earlier and earlier in the day. I met my boyfriend shortly after the second incident, who was unbelievably good to me and still is…only he came with his own substance abuse issues, as well (and he was VERY good at hiding them). He has cut out one substance but he continues to drink, it really has become our lifestyle to drink together but alcohol has always been his crutch. The difference between us is he can drink 15 beers in a day and nothing the next. He can stop if he wanted to. I now drink around 8+ “tall boys” a night, or will crush a bottle or 2 of wine…I can’t stop once I’ve started. It’s now at the point where I black out nearly every night I’m drinking, wake up with debilitating hangovers but worst of all? I’m getting angrier and lashing out on him over nothing and doing reeeeally stupid sh*t…
I’m completely embarassed over my lack of self control, the fact that I can’t go to bbq’s, parties or events, or even sitting at home without over drinking; that I’ve made a complete fool of myself so many times now, I can’t even count. I’m scared I’m going to continue this vicious cycle and make matters worse. I don’t even know who I am when I drink anymore and my boyfriend doesn’t deserve to be treated like this. I’m so tired of using alcohol as an excuse. I’m just happy that I can admit that this is now a problem.
On Tuesday, i started drinking early afternoon and somehow thought that pounding back 4oz of vodka, 8 strongbows and 3 beers was a good idea…I didn’t even get out of bed to shower yesterday. All I did was throw my head under the covers because I didn’t feel like facing the reality that I f*cked up so badly, yet again.
I’ve tried to quit drinking so many times that I make it to day 2 or 3 and start it all over again. I seriously hate myself and feel like I’m a f*cking failure. Even though I’ve been through addiction and counselling in my past, I really don’t know how I’m going to manage cutting out alcohol, given it’s literally everywhere. Any advice on how to make it through the first week?
(Thank you for reading my short novel 
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