I’ve come to realize that alcohol has ruined my marriage. I have been married for over 20 years and I have been only sober for 60 days. The resentment that my wife has towards me is huge. She just doesn’t love me anymore. My alcoholism, along with anxiety and depression have crushed any hope of repair to my marriage. I am deeply saddened and hurt. I can’t believe this is my life.
11 Likes
Oh im so sorry things have been hard Michael 
i cant imagine the hurt and pain ur feeling right now. Has ur wife ever spoken to u about fixing things? Youre doing incredibly well with ur sobriety and im hoping that as u continue with ur sobriety and the healing of ur self, that she will see this and reconsider moving along in the marriage. I wish i had some advice for u. I know how hard things have been for u. Alot has happened in ur life and uv come thru it sober! Thats huge Michael!!! I hope that u see ur progress even tho other areas in ur life, may seem like they are falling apart. Hugs my friend
5 Likes
I’m so sorry. Keep on going with your sobriety though. Maybe she’ll see the difference in you and things could change.
4 Likes
Please stay sober. It will be so much better going through a difficult time. Keep checking in.
4 Likes
I was thinking of you the other day how you were doing. I am glad you posted. I think it’s totally okay to feel the feelings you do. It’s hard. It’s what it is today. You cannot know what will be in three months, what will happen to your marriage or your wife’s feelings. What you can do is stay sober and trying to find some positive things about being sober. Did you try to read in the gratitude thread?
I also think that it must be hard to be in a long distance relationship now. I hope you can find some rest tonight. 
4 Likes
It sounds to me like you have now just enough sober time under your belt to begin to let another perspective in. You’re seeing your addiction and emotional struggles (depr, anxiety) from your wife’s point of view. This can be very scary. When we used to drink and drug, we hid from reality, we numbed it so we could not perceive and it could not hurt us. In sobriety, it can be overwhelming to begin to realise what has been there all along. Under our nose. What we drank to ignore.
Don’t panic. Your wife has been with you for a long time. She has been commited so far to making it work. Chances that she’ll leave you all of a sudden are not super high. But you are probably very right: your drinking and your mental health struggles have probably driven a wedge into her love and will to give all. Simply because these things take a toll on the partner as they do on the addict and patient. The partner will go through their own journey of recovery from being with the addict and patient. Otherwise programs like al-anon or coda would not exist. You have to let your wife make her own journey and express her own side of things. These things, her feelings, her perspective, didn’t just pop up. they’ve been there all along, you just didn’t pay attention cos you were drinking. These things seem new to you now, and overburdening and very scary. But it’s likely the reality you’ve been living in for a while now. This is to say that it’s better to know and to be able to face it, than to hide out. And also to say that it’s probably less scary overall than you perceive right now, when the realisation first hit you.
It can be healing to notice each other, give each other the space to process and turn to each other with anewed attention, intention and kindness.
Above all, you have got to do what is right for you which is work your therapy and work your sobriety. You can do this for yourself and your wife. Going back out or giving up will take away every chance of happyness that you have.
9 Likes
As an exwife, I completely understand the destruction and emptiness you must be feeling.
All I can say is that you need to keep on the sobriety train, and get yourself emotionally sober also.
There’s so much more damage that can be done by pushing her to make amends before she’s ready. Prove yourself to a respectful and understanding of her needs, on her time, not yours.
If my husband had have just given me the time to recover, things may have been different at the end of the restraining order, but he hasn’t abided by them, and I hope that I never have to see him again.
It’s not about love/hate, it’s far bigger than that. Trust, respect, honesty, and loyalty.
I hope that you can come together again in a civil manner, and that you can both heal from your past.
Stay sober dude✌️
4 Likes
There is still hope. It took many months of sobriety for my wife to begin to forgive me. She needed to see that I was committed to staying sober, before she could begin to trust me again. Once this happened, the healing was possible and I did everything I could to show her that she is the most important person in the world to me.
Love is action, not feeling. I had to act, in order for her to feel loved by me, and in time, she had to forgive in order for me to feel loved by her. My action began with choosing a life with her, over a life with booze.
As long as she is physically present in the marriage, there is hope. Staying sober gives you the best shot at redemption.
10 Likes
Same here it ruined my marriage 13 years and she had enough but good news i went to AA and got on a program knew my wife woudnt take me back had to except that and life goes on i knew deep down if i went back then it would be worse so got divorced met my wife sheila when i was 6 years sober after a few bad choices in the love department now married after 2 years courting and now married 28 years with two grown up sons 36 years sober now so happy ending , but maybe work out different for you but i wish you well
11 Likes
I know it may seem hard, but your choosing to get better means a lot to her. You just have to prove you mean it, and you’ll stick to it. My father was an alcoholic and he chose that life over his family and marriage, don’t let it get that far. It isn’t just you that you’d be hurting in the process, it’s everyone who loves and cares for you. Your wife will see the difference if you fight off this addiction and you will feel the difference too. The resentment is there, but it’ll fade down, forgiveness is always possible- you just have to earn it. I believe in you.
5 Likes
Thank you to everyone who has posted. I’m grateful to you all. This is a very difficult time in my life. Thank you all.
5 Likes
If you stay sober in time the right person will come along build your life back up and things will work out for you that’s a promise the next few months will be hard but push through you deserve to be happy we all deserve to be happy 
1 Like
I am so sorry to hear that this horrible disease caused you to become a person that could hurt the person you loved so much. Being sober may not heal your marriage but it will help you to make something new whether that is together or apart. You will get the opportunity to make amends to her for the awful things that happened because you drank. She will have the chance to heal from the damage your behaviour caused her self esteem and self worth. She will be able to be the amazing woman she could have been had you not made the choice to drink. In turn, you will have the chance to make amends to yourself for the damage you did to yourself by making the choice to drink. By choosing to be sober you have the chance to become the man you should have been for her and for you. In becoming this man you may meet someone that you can finally give your everything to. Life as you knew it may be over but a new and exciting life as a sober man is out there ready for you to embrace and enjoy. Do not go back to what destroyed you before. Good luck my friend
1 Like
Thank you @anon74766472 for thinking of me. I’ve got a lot going on. I need to pray and give God glory for everything I do have in my life. Thanks again for your kind post.
2 Likes