Well I’m a 33yr old F, I don’t think I am an alcoholic exactly because I go weeks upto months without a drink but when I do drink I can’t moderate myself at all and end up blacking out and being hungover for 2 days. Alcoholism, depression and anxiety run in my family and I think this has contributed to my own issues with alcohol. I have said and done hurtful and embarrassing things while drunk that I feel immense shame about once I sober up. This past weekend I went to a work Christmas party and drank too much wine. I was too drunk, people said they had a good time and I was fine but I don’t remember the later part of the evening which worries me. What did I do? Did I say anything horrible or weird to anyone? All these thoughts plague my mind constantly after every time I drink. I have also been working out consistently for the last year but every time I drink it throws me off for a week or so, it’s affecting my progress. I feel terrible and depressed every time after I drink. Why do I drink? I’ve done things like go to a party with a bottle of half water / half vodka for mix drinks in an attempt to moderate my drinking but I just can’t stop once I start, or I go to a party with only 2 drinks on hand but finish those and someone always offers additional drinks and I can’t say no. I don’t think I can have a healthy relationship with alcohol and I want to stop. I want to be a better person.
Welcome!! I have the same relationship with booze and the shame, fear and anxiety that stem from losing control. I also am not a “just one glass” drinker, and am full of regret following most of my social activities.
You are here - it’s a tremendous first step!! We will be our best selves if we stick to it, and are honest.
we can do it together!
Thank you for the show of support. Reading the posts on here I think will be very helpful for me. 
Welcome to the TS community @Medlab1
The feelings of shame and guilt bring on such horrible internal feelings and they don’t let go easily, but with steady work on your recovery they do loosen and let go.
Something that worked for me in this instance was to challenge any negative self-talk with reality or negative thoughts with alternative ways to expand the way I thought of myself and those moments.
All the best!
Welcome! Thanks for sharing your story.
Your description is very similar to my own at around your age (am now 40). I didn’t want to accept that the sort of drinking you describe was problematic. I ran marathons, did an Ironman 70.3… but also got blackout drunk whenever I went partying because I didn’t have an off switch. Would punish myself by going a month sober to prove I didn’t have a problem… almost every day looking forward to having another drink.
Wind the clock forward 5 years and my body didn’t bounce back so quickly from a binge and those running training sessions were too hard with a hangover… everything went downhill and it went downhill fast until
I was taking a shot or 3 in the morning to shake the hangover and carry on with the day.
I finally accepted that this type of drinking was, actually, problematic drinking and that it isn’t ok to get blackout drunk… ever!
Congratulations on reaching out for help and support now… before it gets worse because believe me, believe everyone here, it does. Alcoholism is progressive.
Life is too short to spend every day wondering when the next drink is coming like some lab rat. Accepting that I’m now a non drinker who takes ODAAT set me free.
This sounds just like me. I go days, weeks (40 being pregnant, twice) but that one time on a random Tuesday night at home, I go wild. I have no in between. It is either 0 or 100. And it is usually 100, with a blackout, hanxiety, and a wtf did I say, do or who did I text. I can’t have just one. I have ADHD, depression, anxiety and recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. My brain functions different than the “normal” person. Alcohol is the worst possible thing for my brain, and I just remind myself of that every time I want to drink. I feel you, we can do this. When I get upset or anxious, I come to this community and read posts, share encouragement and remind myself my life will be OK without alcohol. Because it is much worse with it. Thanks for sharing and welcome!
Yes indeed.
Crazy how it seems like it sneaks up on you, but with honest reflection the red flags had been there for years and years.