So today I was back to day one. I thought about it. Seems I cant go two weeks or longer without a drink.
I bashed AA pretty hard. In my head. Im forums . With people. I think the real truth is I did that because I was vocalizing my fear. Fear of accepting I am an alcoholic. Sure I would say it. But in my mind I was fighting it.
AA was a convienient punching bag to legitimize my fears. Fact is when I left AA last year. Thats when I went and got drunk.
AA is a support . A reminder of why and what I am. AA never did me any harm. I am pretty ashamed I bashed them.
All they wanted to do was help. So I am going back to AA. I think there I can find myself. There I can find people that suffer as I do.
I remember something my sponser told me in AA. “You can’t turn a pickle back into a cucumber.” That is what I have been really trying to do.
Well time to accept I am a pickle , and go hang out with my fellow pickles lol.