So today I was back to day one. I thought about it. Seems I cant go two weeks or longer without a drink.
I bashed AA pretty hard. In my head. Im forums . With people. I think the real truth is I did that because I was vocalizing my fear. Fear of accepting I am an alcoholic. Sure I would say it. But in my mind I was fighting it.
AA was a convienient punching bag to legitimize my fears. Fact is when I left AA last year. Thats when I went and got drunk.
AA is a support . A reminder of why and what I am. AA never did me any harm. I am pretty ashamed I bashed them.
All they wanted to do was help. So I am going back to AA. I think there I can find myself. There I can find people that suffer as I do.
I remember something my sponser told me in AA. “You can’t turn a pickle back into a cucumber.” That is what I have been really trying to do.
Well time to accept I am a pickle , and go hang out with my fellow pickles lol.
@Stuart_Orton hey buddy we have all been their I still fight the it’s not my fault fight. But as long as you know and like all go pickles as you say which is great. It took me 10 years of going in and out of AA to finally catch it and want it for me to say ok this is were I belong. Good luck.
Fellow pickle here! I realize and respect that AA isn’t for everyone. But for me personally, it’s the only thing that works. I tried, at one point, to do everything but “THAT”. I was fooling only myself. I didn’t want to walk back into those rooms with my tail between my legs…that was hurt ego talking. AA hadn’t given up on me and not worked…I had gotten complacent and stopped working my recovery. When you get to the point of full hopelessness, you’ll be willing to do anything to seek relief. That’s where I found my relief and fellow pickles.
Great thread, thanks for sharing… and by the way, welcome back!
Im so glad that you shared this. It does usually boil down to fear ya know. A lot of things do. And for me its either im afraid im going to lose something i have or not get something i want. My grand sponsor shared that at a meeting and boy is it true. That really hit home for me…
It takes a lot of courage to admit that. That’s great.
When this happens to me, I have to remember that I have to take action. Each time i come to one of these self-realizations, if i do nothing-- the progress I made getting to that point is wasted. Nothing but good vibes for you man.
Also-- cucumbers? Does anyone ever say MAN, I really have a craving for a cucumber or nice glass of cucumber water?
Pickles on the other hand… people are always craving pickles and debating the best pickle (bread and butter wins btw). Pickles are so great that people want to pickle everything. #picklesforthewin
I realize and respect that AA isn’t for everyone. But for me personally, it’s the only thing that works. I tried, at one point, to do everything but “THAT”. I was fooling only myself. I didn’t want to walk back into those rooms with my tail between my legs…that was hurt ego talking. AA hadn’t given up on me and not worked…I had gotten complacent and stopped working my recovery. When you get to the point of full hopelessness, you’ll be willing to do anything to seek relief. That’s where I found my relief and fellow pickles. 