I think what happens to us in our heads is thinking of things like final, ending, never again is scary to us.
I’m not saying we should stay with our addictions. But I mean it’s like clothing we’ve worn for years. It’s comfortable, it’s familiar.
It’s also built right into our brains: we have created neural pathways in our brains with our addictions, we’ve created stimulus-response patterns that are very, very well established. We’ve taken the “reward circuits” of our brain and wired them in a very specific way. That’s part of what makes this so hard. Reward is a natural part of life: it’s how we make progress. Finishing your homework is an achievement, and it makes us feel good. Finishing cooking a delicious meal - same thing. Planning the perfect date. Finishing a run. These are all healthy and rewarding activities.
For us in recovery at some point we started making reward pathways connected to our drug. We made routines. We learned to fixate, to obsess. And now when we think of “never again”, it’s like trying to rip out a part of ourselves.
One of the posters above made a really good point: it helps to think of it as just for today. I’d also suggest joining a group of some type. You’ve been relapsing for a while now so if you’re trying it by yourself it might be time to introduce something new. Take a look & find one that you like, feel free to visit different groups:
Resources for our recovery
Never give up. You are a good person, you matter, and you deserve a sober, healthy life. 