The realization that I have been looking for confirmation all of my life hits home. Confirmation that I’m good enough, that I’m heard and seen, that my parents and brother love me, that I’m good enough at my work, that I look ok etc. Basically what’s behind all this is that I have never really grown up. It is often said that when you are an addict your emotional development stops at the start of the disease. And that’s exactly how I feel, just a twenty year old in the body of a fifty year old. In the beginning everything looked promising since I’m not stupid. So school went fine, but with behavior that showed that I was struggling on the emotional side. Utter fear of rejection has been developed, I have in some sense never felt been wanted. I know now that’s not true, but that’s how it works in my head. Fear of rejection let to reject myself before anybody else could do so. Leaving work and relationships or make them leave me. I have just a few friendships left, but find it hard to maintain them. Since all of them are relationships were emotions are not really a topic. The addiction and using has let to the feeling that I’m just a fraud, don’t know who I’m, of course I can set up a mask and be anything I wanna be, but I’m so tired of doing the Kameleon stuff. I’m so longing for my autonomy, but even now I lean somewhat on my parents for care and financially since I’m on sick leave I have less income. Also since my partner left, the house weighs on me. I relive the toxic aspects of the relationship. The phrase the past lives in my but I don’t need to live in the past helps somewhat at the moment. My addicted brain wants it the be fixed immediately, but I know that it will be a step by step proces. But that’s not what my brain tells me, my punisher is kicking my ass right now, so I felt the need to vent this.
Taking a bit of a distance it less severe, I’m working the steps, do meetings, I use TS, talk to my sponsor and I’m in the process of getting a new job. But somehow it never seems good enough for me.
Maybe I’m just to sensitive, yesterday a woman shared whom a I know from an early age. I was a good friend of her father and was a house friend during her upbringing. Her share hit me, also my brother visited me yesterday and we talked for the first time in our life. These are goods steps I think (looking for confirmation ), but it opens up a lot of emotions. I do feel the feels, but I find it hard to let them be. I wished I never found the bottle, but I did. The mess created is very vivid now I’m almost done with step 3. Just needed to let this out……
Glad you were able to write it out. I can relate to so much of that. I was 15 when I started drinking and using drugs. I was 56 when I got sober (6 years ago). So many feelings and emotions I never experienced. So much life while not under the influence, escaping. So much truth I had avoided. Who was I? I couldn’t ‘get back who I was before’ because that was a kid long gone. Who was I now? Who am I?
It is a lot and the emotions are a lot…because all those years / decades we spent escaping from them. All of that…still patiently waiting for us to come back to self and begin the healing. This, I believe, is the meaning. Finding our selves amid ‘all that was’ and all that can be.
I find mindfulness and talk therapy and being here, now helpful in my journey. It is not always easy or pleasant and that is okay as that is part of life, yes?
Maybe your setting the bar to high ,the steps are there to guide you through your new sober journey ,sometimes in early sobriety we over analyze things ,
This all makes a lot of sense. I can relate to a lot of what you say Rob. The need for affirmation, God yes. Used to be completely outta control for me and it’s still … ahem… I’m still a needy bitch for sure.
I’m so glad to hear about your brother and you talking omg! How did it go??
Thanks for sharing. You made me feel less alone today.
Edit: you are doing everything right w your therapy and step work and sponsorship. I think you’ve been doing really really well to engage w yourself so deeply. Yes, it hurts and it sucks and it takes a long time. But when you’ve been hurt so deeply - me too I was just really seriously fucked up - we have to do more work than maybe some others to get to be ok again. And you’re doing it. I see you Rob.
It went fine. Since it was a first it felt somewhat awkward for the both of us. Can’t be perfect at once, but my brain wants that of course. Tried not to mention things from the past that relate to something’s that caused trauma on my side. I know he did his best and what he could at the time. As said he had his own struggles. We talked at home and went for a lunch, after that I was wasted. We’ll see how it goes from here, it’s hard to have no expectations
That’s beautiful, thanks so much for sharing! And I can image you were so tired afterwards!
I’m sure if you both gently and acceptingly continue on your path of communication and spending time together, there is some form of closeness to be established between you two. I wish you all the best for that!
I was just thinking: yeah, overthinking. Analyzing everything until everything is analysed. And over the analysis I am too busy to get into going. Thanks for the reminder.
I can very much relate to this. I think often it happens when in childhood you don’t get unconditional love. It means as an adult your cup of acceptance is empty and so you reply on others to fill it for you. Therapy or self-help books to try to learn how to fill your own cup, accept your own self, that your flaws (which every has) do not make you unlovable or unworthy is important.
), but it opens up a lot of emotions. I do feel the feels, but I find it hard to let them be. I wished I never found the bottle, but I did. The mess created is very vivid now I’m almost done with step 3. Just needed to let this out……
