Kind of strange experiencing now the stages of relapses for a while of binge drinking and going back on sober streaks but on the bright side I can say I’m here, I’m still not giving up despite my past relapses , and today I’m feeling some what decent this morning.
Christmas is in 4 days, I’m excited but I can feel my anxious side over thinking about small things. I had a few triggers in the last few days but I’m happy to say I didn’t give in this time as upset / angry I was .
I’m still currently on probation which I’m on some what strict conditions, I was sentenced to 18 months back in December 2022 . I didn’t receive the best news from my officer yesterday with moving forward into the new year & trying to balance out my work life with my (hopefully new) construction apprenticeship I worked so hard to get into.
I was furious yesterday and it brought me back to a lot of triggers of being homeless , and struggling without work in my youth… walking around downtown Toronto at the time as well in the cold didn’t help either, it was like I was reliving the moment all over again in my head even though it’s been 12 years since the last time I’ve slept outside.
That being said as angry as I was , I made it home successfully after a stressful time spent out in public, and I craved so hard to go and drink and I even complained about it to my girlfriend for hours on end (I feel terrible for this) but I am just so used to turning to alcohol when I have those triggers.
Christmas is so close as well, and being around my family does trigger me sometimes but I’m doing my best to be here with them and celebrate and show them that I forgive them & I want to love them just as much as I have shown love to myself in recovery. I can be petty at times but sometimes I truly believe in love, happiness , and forgiveness. My one brother who is a severe alcoholic and pushed alcohol on me a lot on my youth will be there & he is always intoxicated so it’s really hard to always be around him.
I also do well in crowds , but being around the mall and Christmas shopping in crowds can hit my anxiety and feeling awkward a little too much sometimes. So when I want to drink , it seems when I’m in overstimulating situations that trigger my anxiety or high stress because I used to drink (A LOT) to cope with these feelings .
I used to associate Christmas as a bad time as well growing up, especially after all the bad stuff I’ve seen happen with my family so is it even weird to say Christmas in general (even when I’m trying to be a genuine giving person) can be a bit triggering for me ?
It’s currently 9:53 am , I had a pretty bad sleep with lots of nightmares and cold sweats. Im not feeling that well rested, Im sipping on some coffee.
I am so used to waking up in the middle of my sleep and taking shots & drinks to fall asleep, so literally when I woke up sweating and panicking I know it sounds weird but I went straight to eating candy in the middle of my sleep as unhealthy as it was. My cravings were that bad.
I think I experienced my first candy hangover this morning 
Anyways just wanted to get this off my chest for now to hopefully stay more in tune with myself and this community, to stay sober and to help me have a better self reflection on maybe my triggers & feelings moving forward.
Happy holidays everyone. 
