Lately I have been thinking about my journey up to this point. I’ve been journaling and a lot of reflection and memories I have forgotten or suppressed perhaps come to the surface.I keep thinking about where would I be if I did not give up alcohol? it’s hard to write this down. When I was in treatment in a group setting it seemed easier to share. Among others who would share before me or after me. I’ve been listening to a lot of recovery stories
Many rock bottoms, hospitalizations, institutionalized and it brings me to remember arguments at home sometimes, well maybe most of the time, I pushed instigated or initiated by me. Drunk. Seemed that more often would end up with me leaving the house. Going straight to the liquor store. Spending the night in my car. This would last for days sometimes. Binging. Hiding. Looking back I realized that this would happen more often and less and less time would pass between these incidents. I don’t know when this started but I feel like if I kept going. If I kept drinking. I would have ended up drunk and living in my car. Maybe I would be homeless. One of the last times this happened I thought to myself I can just live in my car right? I could just stay here and figure it out right? How sad this is for me to remember how powerless I was. I would just want to drink. I wanted it so much I considered giving up my home and my relationships. Rationalizing living in my car. I never admitted being an alcoholic. Even in my car alone and drinking.
I needed to admit this out loud because I need to remind myself where I was and how quickly I got there. Alcohol is tricky. I was fooled many times. Thank goodness I had people who love me enough to help me because a lot of people don’t have that. I need to remind myself how at one point I did not take care of myself and how important it is for me to learn how to do that now.
Wonderful post. I also did not take care of me. I did realize I had people who cared but I still had to take the first step in admitting I am an alcoholic and need help.
Glad you are here.
Glad you had people to help you through that.
I can relate to alcohol pushing me towards isolation.
Thanks for sharing
I can easily recall the time I passed out in my apartment with a lit cigarette. I woke to the chair, and my pants, smoldering and emitting thick smoke. I carried the chair outdoors and aired out the smoke. Even though I kept drinking another 15 years, it occurred to me then and from time to time how close I was to having no home. How I was just a few dollars away from the street.
That was the same apartment that I went without electricity for a short time because I had drunk up the electric bill.
Whether I acknowledged that the problem was the booze, I was not willing to change, as long as I could continue to drink. I don’t have to live like that today.
Oh i can relate to that thinking. The main goal of the day is to drink. I do not miss the hopeless, lost, rationalizing poor decisions.
So proud of you to face your past and work towards a sober future. These memories of the past are a good reminder of where we dont want to go back to
Thank you! I dont miss the shame and yep hopeless and lost feelings that would sometimes take weeks to go away.
Taking my power back one day at a time.
Amen. I have experienced similar times as well. 
Thanks for listening 
The hard thing, or I should say one of the hard things, about being sober is you still have those unhealthy coping skills. Like isolation for example. I still isolate sometimes for days. Thanks for sharing @TeaCosy 
It was a rude awakening to realize that you had in the back of your mind an idea that it was a problem off and on through your life. However you talked yourself out of it so much that it became the truth. I had to really take time to grasp that I had an addiction. Thanks for your reply have a great day. 
I do not know about others, but I learned (eventually!) that, in order to be willing and able to take care of myself, I needed to care for myself first and foremost. Easily said, not so easily done!
Thank you @Dirk Yes i agree. Im practicing and still not consistent but i acknowledge when i am taking care of myself. And tell myself ‘good job Nicole’