I feel the same way, my first dog was getting very old and sick and I’ve always felt I waited to long and he maybe suffered more just because I didn’t want to let go.
Then my first cat again had to take the decision about letting him go as he had incurable cancer.
Both times left me feeling like a wild mess, not a choice anyone ever wants to make.
At the end of the day we both must try soften that guilt, having pets (family to me) it’s hard, rewarding yes, but there is a very high level of responsibility
I try to hold on to beautiful memories, sure you have plenty!
I know how hard you were (are) on yourself about that choice. I know how important your pets are to you - all the pets - and I can imagine how conflicted you must have been about the choice. Keep in mind you were making that choice not just for you but also for Fox and Haley Jane. Their quality of life - in terms of your availability for them, and your ability to care for them and give them a space where they can live fully - is a factor.
This is about forgiveness. There’s really two people here: there’s present Jenn and there’s the Jenn of the past. Present Jenn needs to forgive the Jenn of the past. You need to practice self-forgiveness here. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you have to condone a behaviour or even think it was the “right” choice. Forgiveness is about letting go, and accepting that you were hurt. (Think of it like the difference between being angry, or feeling hatred, and then letting go of that and feeling hurt. When you are hurt or in pain, you are vulnerable - but you have let go of the anger which was weighing you down. You let go of it so you can feel sad - and grieve healthily.)
You feel pain and doubt and grief. That is normal and healthy. It is hard, but it is normal and healthy. Maybe it never goes away, in the same way you feel grief and sadness about losing your mother (not that your mother was the same as Shady of course, but it’s still grief). Let yourself grieve, but let your self-criticism go: forgive yourself.
I drank when my son died and was clean and sober before tragedy took place. ITS almost 7 years later and I’m just coming back home to fight for my life and not die with him.My condolences on your Mate passing away.
