That poem was dope!!! 
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Eight weeks! 
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Random thoughts from the day…i already know they wont be concise so i didnt want to bog down the daily checkin thread with my ramblings
Me and my hubby went to a gospel on the green to support one of my programs. Neither of us are christian but i like good music and supporting a cause so we went. There was a lot of praising the Christian God. This was very offputing for my husband. I could tell he was uncomfortable but he came to support me and spend some time with me. Im trying to get closer to a god of my understanding, idk if thats a christian god. Why am i so concerned with labels?
Anyways i took their prayers as a gratitude list. I can relate. I took their stories of never giving up that Gods got them as there is a reason for everything. I enjoyed the music and enjoyed the opportunity to dig in and to contemplate what i believe.
My hubby on the other hand was angry after. He went on about the hypocrisy of Christians and the hate they spew when he serves them after sunday services. How they think they are better than others, etc, etc…Just a deep anger…i dont get the blanket generalizations. I dont get why someone worshiping a god of their understanding is so offensive. I choose to find similarities. Im trying to understand where hes coming from, i think theres past trauma. Idk
Just some observations…still trying to define my spirituality, maybe i should stop and just be content with something that isnt organized and is somewhat messy. Maybe my spirituality doesnt fit into a perfect box. I choose to be open minded, kind, compassionate, and understanding. I’ll keep trying to be the best decent human being i can be sober.
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Let the rest fall where it may. This seems to be about 90% of the battle. 
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Just need to vent…sometimes my husband makes me feel so alone. I was super excited about my 60 days, got my 60 day chip at an awesome ladies meeting and found a sponsor. Came home to share my excitement with my hubby. He feigned interest long enough to for me to stop talking so he could talk about himself. I didnt get offended i know hes excited about a potential job. Well he didnt receive something i said well, got defensive and mean and spiteful. I tried to deescalte the situation. Calmly say i didnt mean to offend him. I love him and support him. I think he was projecting his fears on me. He went off on how im not supportive and dont believe in him, which is false and contrary to my actions. He wasnt feeling heard. I wasnt feeling heard. He just got so angry. I finally threw my hands up and said im done im done im done and walked out of the room. When he gets upset/frustrated/scared he lashes out and im an easy target. I went to the bedroom to cry. I feel so alone. I feel like im growing emotionally and he just isnt as emotionally intelligent about himself as i once thought he was. He always gets worked up and then apologizes later. Its a fucking cycle and its exhausting. Ahhh not how i wanted a good day to end.
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Super excited about my new sponsor. The last sponsor i found online and never answered my calls…anyways havent talked to her, havent heard from her. Got a new local sponsor, Marilyn, at my in person ladies meeting thursday. Shes 62yo and been sober for 6 years in september. Just got off a 30min call with her and im super excited!! Shes really easy to talk with. I almost said love you after our call lol shes open and honest and makes me want to do the same. Meeting in person with her tuesday and then going to a step meeting.
Hubby got a new job. Things are looking up.
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Using this time to document my struggles. Im 9 weeks sober today! Ive been blessed with a relatively positive sober journey up til now.
This long, 4th of July weekend has been the toughest in recent memory. Ive had intrussive thoughts about picking up and giving in BUT i held on knowing that i dont want to throw away my sobriety. I played the tape forward and thought about the regret and shame i would feel if i picked up. I dont want to let myself or my mom down. After all if i picked up it would be a “planned relapse” and premeditated.
I want sobriety and the fresh POV ive been experiencing. I reached out here and attended 3 zoom meetings yesterday. Then the cycle of sick addict thoughts subsided.
Im hopeful for a positive day today, sober and loving this new me
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This is really wonderful to read! You are doing the work and finding support when you need it. Having a reliable sponsor is a big deal! Playing the tape forward in your head! Wow that is real progress my friend! We all know how it ends … You have taken an active role in your sobriety and I want you to know how well you are doing. It is very hard in the beginning believe me. I failed so many times until I actually sought a community and did work. It’s bewildering to keep relapsing, as you can tell by the daily “back to day 1” posts you see here. It’s so common to become complacent and believe everything is better now, you can see others mentally relapse before ever picking up a drink. The fact is we can’t and never will be able to drink like normal people, never. Don’t ever fool yourself into that mindset.
The longer you are sober the more devastating relapses become!! If you never pick up the first drink you will never get drunk. That has helped me so much.
In the first few months I did multiple meetings a day and it focused my mind on sobriety. I always always felt better after them, and I didn’t feel so isolated. One hour with great people and one more hour sober!
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Day 65 free from weed and alcohol
Met with my sponsor and we read step one. Then had a group step meeting that just so happen to be on step one. I shared my list of reasons why my life has become unmanageable. It was a room of predominately older, white men and me and my lady sponsor. BUT we all had alcoholism in common. I always feel better, invigorated after a good meeting. The meeting was in a catholic church which still smelled new. After the meeting i decided to go into the chapel? Is that the right word? Lol anyways sat in the last pew and just idk prayed? I was greatful for my conviction to sobriety this time round, prayed it stick, strength, open mindedness…then went outside and saw this rainbow.
My husband will tell you i look for signs everywhere. And this was a sign im on the right path.
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I love this just posting here too so i can look back at it
How come you don’t drink anymore?
“How come you don’t drink anymore?” a renewed acquaintance from long ago asked the other day.
"Anymore than who?, I asked.
“I mean any longer. How come you don’t drink anything these days?”
“Drink? I drink…coffee, milk, juice, tea, soda pop, water…”
“I mean drink” he said. " you know, booze."
“Oh, booze, No I don’t drink booze any more, you’re right,” I said, I couldn’t’ trust it anymore. It turned on me. Once my friend, it became my enemy."
“Maybe you got a bad batch.” he said.
“No the sauce is the same. I changed. Because I have this illness of alcoholism, my tolerance weakened. Alcoholism doesn’t come in bottles, it comes in people.”
“Sounds pretty confusing” the fellow said
“You think you’re confused,” I said, “You should have seen me. I drank for happiness and became unhappy… I drank for joy and became miserable… I drank to be outgoing and became self centered… I drank for sociability and became argumentative and lonely.” I drank for sophistication and became crude and obnoxious…I drank for friendship and made enemies… I drank to soften sorrow and wallowed in self pity… I drank for sleep and wakened without rest.
I drank for strength and felt weak… I drank medicinally and got sick… I drank because I thought my job called for it and I lost my job… I drank for relaxation and got the shakes… I drank for confidence and became uncertain… I drank for courage and became afraid… I drank for assurance and became doubtful… I drank to stimulate thought and blacked out… I drank to make conversation and it tied my tongue… I drank for warmth and lost my cool. I drank for coolness and lost my warmth… I drank to feel heaven and came to know hell. I drank to forget and became haunted. I drank for freedom and became a slave…I drank to erase problems and saw them multiply… I drank to cope with life and invited death …or worse… I drank because I had the right and everything turned out wrong…
“Gosh!” My friend exclaimed, "That must have taken a bunch of booze to get you in that shape.
“Just one” I told him, “The first one. For me one is too many, and a thousand is not enough.”
"So that is why you don’t drink anymore…?
“Yep, I make it a rule, I DON’T DRINK WHILE I’M SOBER!”
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Back to step one…i read step one in 12 & 12. I wrote a list on why my life has become unmanageable. I worked through a few questions my sponsor gave me. Is that it? Idk maybe im future stepping or making things more difficult but i thought there would be more to it. Oh well, i should be thankful im at this point where im accepting that alcohol and me make a depressing, unmanageable mess. I fear i will have more troubles with step 2 and step 3. But im choosing not to worry about it now. I will contemplate those steps with my sponsor. Maybe a miracle will happen and i will raise up my hands and say Higher Power take the wheel. Its like my brain is trying to reconcile my higher power with a God. Like it has to be something widely accepted to be acceptable. My higher power…more to come on this sober spiritual journey im on
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Read step 2 three times in the last two days. Once to get a head with my sponsor. Once with my sponsor. Then again in a step meeting yesterday.
I gave myself some homework: look up the definition of humility. Humility = to be humble, a modest view of ones own importance.
Im feeling better about the idea of letting go and letting god. I believe in a cosmic energy, a spirituality, and it is OK if that is not a deity or religion.
A power greater than myself … lord knows i havent been able to resist the addiction for 20 years. Theres something to this AA and TS fellowship that is bigger than myself. Im motivated to do better. Im motivated to do whatever to protect my sobriety. A greater power is AA, is TS, is this strong joy and excitement ive been blessed with in sobriety.
My sponsor gave me a step 2 and step 3 worksheet. I’ll work them tonight or tomorrow, no pressure
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Working on a resentment. My hubby blatently disrespected me in front of my parents at dinner last night. I was so angry i didnt want to talk with him let alone be in the same room as him. He apologized but this is the second time ive been embarassed by his disrespect in the past month. I deserve better. I feel like im growing and he just isnt. He does the bare minimum and wants praise. Its exhausting. Im exhausted. I didnt want to be around him last night and i dont want to be around him today. We’ll see how i feel tonight at 7pm when i see him.
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O man that is a tough one! Do you have to stay the whole time? Could you bring a bunch of alternatives for drinking like some flavored seltzer waters and make some mock tails? I have been thinking about some events like this as well. My family has a big golf tournament in a couple of weeks then my sister’s birthday. I’ve told both sisters that I’m working on not drinking. Have you told your family that you’ve been sober?
I made the call not to go this year. Sobriety is too precious to lose. Im sad but know it would be a constant stressor. We’ll see how i feel next year.
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I think you made the right choice 
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Im greatful im more present with my family, adding this convo with my mom for the record. Im beaming with pride and gratitude
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Working thru steps two and three. I feel that i am willing to listen to my higher power idk about giving up control…live and let Higher Power. Read through step 3 in an in person aa meeting last night. I feel ready to relinquish control but what does that look like? So many questions…i feel like a toddler. Here i have 80 days free from weed and alcohol and im trying to figure out who i am again. 20 years of drinking and drugging, i rarely could go out without a drink. Im relearning how to live a healthy life and what that looks like for me. Who am I? So many questions. Im hoping the answers and clarity will come with time. So very greatful to have made it this far and i have no plans of stopping 
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