My buddy, …Adam and I have been good friends since high school. We are both now approaching 30 years of age.
Chronological backstory(bottom line I found my alcoholic friend in jail again):
Adam dropped out of college due to yet another relationship fallout/uncontrolled drinking, which was followed by a series of DUI offenses.
This resulted in Adam doing one year in jail–making him one year sober upon being released.
Against the advice of friends and family Adam decides to start dating someone between 19-21 years of age.
Time passes where he occasionally relapses all the while I’m trying to get him to realize that his current and past relationships–and their subsequent impact on his life–warrant a discussion with a psychologist. I go to a psychologist and highly recommend it, his life would improve if he sought one too in my opinion.
I find Adam listed in a local jail over some non-DUI related belligerent shit he did when blackout drunk.
I send a text to Adam’s phone. Me: “Has it gotten bad enough yet? Are you ready to see a psychologist about the relationship issues? Are you ready to be single and sober for a year out of jail?” He responds (he had phone access between jail and rehab house): Thanks for caring it means a lot etc. You and her have both been really supportive (remember she’s between 19-21 years old) Me: Love yourself, take care of YOU etc. Actually read the books I sent you this time
How do I handle my ‘sober’ relationship with him? Previously I wouldn’t have given him such a direct statement, but this is me trying to change the outcome. What should I do? Cold shoulder? Visit him when possible?
I don’t know what the best thing to do is, but do remember that you are not responsible for his sobriety. You can’t be.
‘You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.’
Whatever you choose to do next, remember you can do it because you want to. So if you can’t take it any more, or if you just need a break from the drama, that’s ok. If you feel willing and able to keep turning up, so you’re there when he’s ready, that’s ok too.
In my experience, and not necessarily re sobriety, providing endless unsolicited advice only leads to resentment (on my part) when the advice is disregarded.
Be responsible for your part in the relationship. Let him be responsible for his
I don’t have any personal experience with a friendship having that dynamic but it seems to me that you may be one of the only positive influences he has in his life. Sure his girlfriend may be “supportive” but she probably doesn’t have as much life experience. Certainly not as much as you in terms of sobriety.
I would say that you may be able to help him change his life for the better and influence him to finally see the life changing things that happen during sobriety.
He may not be willing to change and if he winds ends up in jail again then you can at least know you’ve tried.
Again, I’ve never had any experience with this personally and I clearly don’t know anytning more about the dynamic of your friendship other than what you’ve posted. But based on the text he sent you, it seems like he may still be willing to accept help.
I also 100% agree with @siand in regards to the outcome of offering too much unsolicited advice. Only you would be able to judge if he wants the help or not.
First, protecting ur own sobriety is first. Second, as others said, he can only get sober when he is ready. If he is ur friend supporting him is great, but he may well reject any advice u give, and his relapses may be a source of frustration. Caring distance may be the key.
First off, it’s nice to have close friends we have grown up with and still care enough to spend time with. Those relationships mean so much throughout life.
I agree with the others, you are responsible for your own sobriety and he is responsible for his. Leading by example has worked well for me with my friends and husband. His path is his own and what has worked for you or motivated you, may not be the same as what motivates or works for him and that is okay.
To answer your question, no, I don’t believe you are enabling him at all. If anything, you may be offering way too much advice. Often what people need is someone to just listen to them. If he wants to share, listen. If he asks for advice, then answer his questions honestly. He will or won’t find his own way. You can support him as much as feels comfortable for you. You can set boundaries around when he relapses, etc. It is okay to be a friend to someone who is still struggling…assuming of course that it doesn’t trigger you. If this is overwhelming you, then you may want to examine and reinforce your boundaries within the friendship.
As for the woman, well, also his choice. We all make our own way in life. We don’t always have to agree with the choices our friends make in life. We can still love and support them even when we may disagree with their choices.
If you are nearby, maybe engage him in something fun and physical… Take a nature walk or hike together or go mtn biking or some such. Enjoy the friendship and allow him to figure out his path. Listen if he wants to share. It will take the pressure off of both of you to just enjoy being friends.
…Adam and I have been good friends since high school. We are both now approaching 30 years of age.
Those relationships mean so much throughout life.