Being that this forum is essentially anonymous, I feel like I can share my lifelong dream openly. I feel putting my hopes into words will help me follow through on something I’ve let pass by year after year. One of my biggest regrets, and one of the main factors that led me down a self-destructive path of debauchery fueled by substance abuse and apathy, was that I gave up on my dream of playing college basketball after a series of poor decisions and an untimely injury. The fact that I was able to give up on something that I dreamed everyday of after a little adversity spoke volumes about how weak my will was, and how little resolve I possessed. This isolated instance soon became a pattern. It became commonplace for me to give up on anything worthwhile anytime things got the least bit difficult. To put it bluntly, I was a coward. It was a flaw that I allowed to become more predominant within the make-up of my character. Unfortunately it inevitably shone through in my personality and influenced my behaviors playing a large role in my actions. The alcohol in particular made it easier for me to ignore this trait that I had developed, and blinded me from just how detrimental running from difficulties in life was to my personal growth and ability to maintain lasting relationships. Nothing inflates ego and veils self perception of one’s own cowardice like liquor. I hate the fact that I put alcohol and drugs above everything else. I hate that I had so little regard for my own worth that I was willing to poison my body and soul just to face the man looking back at me in the mirror. Most of all I hate that I was too scared to be myself around others, and was so afraid to fail that I rarely even allowed myself the possibility of success. In order to quit using and drinking I honestly believe I must try to fix the underlying issues. My cowardly actions led to shame and self loathing and these behaviors in my opinion stemmed originally from giving up on my dream all those years ago. This is a very roundabout way of saying that in September I plan on going back to a small junior college so I can work towards a degree in counseling while also giving myself the chance to live my dream, even as I face the likelihood of failure. There is a good chance my body won’t hold up, and there is also a chance that I just won’t be good enough. But for once I want to be brave enough to dig my feet in the ground when things get tough instead of running into an abyss governed by dillusion and ruled by selfishness where the bottle which is my greatest enemy becomes my only friend. I started playing again two weeks ago and my confidence has grown every time I have put the basketball back in my hands. The hope I had as an adolescent is returning. I feel as if I have a purpose again.
Thank you for sharing your story, @DancinHomer4! I hope you going back to college will be a very fulfilling experience - judging by your ability to self-reflect and your beautiful writing, you will be a great success on the path you have chosen to pursue.
I understand the conclusion you have come to about your own life thus far, but I do want to give you an added perspective: most people find pushing life’s rocks uphill to be exhausting if they have nobody to cheer them on and be their biggest fan.
It’s extremely hard to self-motivate 100% of the time, do you have people in your life that are keen to celebrate your journey, progress and successes, small as they may be? If not yet, it may help to let a few people in on the plans that you have and the progress you will be making towards that plan, that will hopefully allow you to re-energize through their interest and belief in you.
If you cannot find such people in real life, you can use this forum to share and we will all happily be your fan base 
It’s never too late to pursuit the dreams. Go back to college and fulfill your dream! I dropped out from the university because of mental health issues and because of my drinking and smoking pot. But I’m gonna go back on next autumn and fulfill my dream. Never give up. I wish you all the best!
While using, I was a coward who never really gave herself a chance to do anything of worth. Your post hit hard. Go follow your dream, you’re in a better mental space today than you were before.