Hello I’m Raylene.
I would like to share something I wrote and introduce of myself, if you wanna read.
I’m 32 in a couple days. I’m Canadian. I’ve been sober from alcohol since August 2022 and clean from drugs last month. Soon I’ll be 30 days.
For drugs this is the longest I’ve stayed away. I usually never last past two weeks. I think what’s helping is my family and boyfriend’s family keeping me busy. Everyone is now aware about my drinking date and my drug date and what I was abusing. They basically all encouraging me about the sober life, let me share about my triggers and wanting to go back. This is way more support from them than I thought I’d receive, always thought I had to do it alone. I haven’t been to any meetings lately, I do plan on going though. We’re currently in the middle of moving to a different city too.
But here I’ll share. I shared it before in a NA meeting
I wrote it down, as I can’t freestyle and my mind clears itself with the pressure of speaking but…
I like to hear or say it’s whole name.
I’ve been on it for a couple years.
Playing Russian Roulette with every intake and no round is ever made the same.
I was charmed of its ways, the promises it gave.
I’d admire it sometimes in its many forms.
The high it would give me, I’ve been chasing the dragon as I built my tolerance.
Something that would last me weeks were now lasting me days.
I always wanted more until I realized the night I tried to pull a suicide, swallowing all those pills.
Hoping it would end my life.
I prayed I didn’t wake up.
I didn’t have more.
I guess I blacked out without realizing because I wrote a goodbye letter that night.
I woke up alive and found my letter later on.
During that day, not far from now - I got more of what I crave.
The more I realized it had me in its hands, the power it was holding.
The more I knew it needed to end.
It was a moment where I blacked out with my best guy friend.
I didn’t remember our ride around town, going home or what I did.
He said I was really quiet the whole time.
I wasn’t me.
By the time I realized that moment was gone from me, I wanted to end this high.
Who knows how many times I’ve blacked out before without noticing or how far in psychosis I really am.
As my psychiatrist guessed drug-induced bipolar.
Which I now think is true.
I’ve got to stop before I’m gone too far.
It’s been days since my last dose, everything is gone.
I would like to be honest. I crave, I miss, I love my DOC.
As I keep my life clean, I see demons in my dreams.
They’re chasing me, clawing me to go back.
I miss it so but not enough.
Though I’ve started some steps to stop like blocking and deleting those that were involved and moved away to a sober/clean home.
Joining sober/clean communities.
I felt I needed this, as the many times I tried to quit before but always went back.
I might be exaggerating - it being demonic, my entry to hell.
I’m hoping this time is different, that I’m finally done.
