Mental illness varies greatly among individuals. As I move through my eighth psychotropic drug trial I feel a twinge of grief, but also optimism.
These medications are no joke, and the decision to trust a mental health professional is never easy. I hadn’t seen mine in six years because my last med change resulted in my second hospitalization, but I was also fortunate enough to be in a quality program that made sure I never came back. If you don’t need medicinal intervention, consider yourself a lucky star, but please do not negate the dangers of non-compliance as it pertains to the well being of others simply due to ignorance or an insecure intention to perpetuate the problem.
My family tree has been horrifically poisoned, and there were some environmental factors that certainly didn’t help. People love to tell me that every family is dysfunctional, but mine is uniquely trauma bonded. It feels like there’s been more funerals than christmases.
Mental illness is very real, so real that the alternative to sound treatment is a shortened and grim life expectancy. I stayed, even when my condition tried to steal the very air from my lungs. I stayed, even when the whispering in my ears and the planning stages grew to a fatal volume. I stayed, even when reinforced by the lie that they’d all be better off.
For those who do understand, I see you. The side effects of medication alone can be daunting, but I can also feel the relief leaking in after years of white knuckling it. What works for me may not work for you and the decision to disclose requires bravery, but please don’t ever allow shame or guilt to cost you your life or deny you your access to healthcare.
Telling my story outloud has been more cathartic than any doctor’s office, but that’s only one piece of the puzzle. If you’re experiencing that dark night of the soul; if your own family rejects you; if you have to do it alone, please stay. These kinds of monsters grow in the dark and are emboldened by generations of devastating silence. Please stay for the countless others whose chains will be broken by your telling, and so too your suffering will not be in vain.
don’t let anyone tell you other wise. I’m proud of you for sticking with it and knowing that you are worth it!