Im really struggling with anger. I walk around most of the day so pissed off. Madder than fuck really. Mad at me, mad at people, mad at God, im even mad at inanimate objects. I’ll have moments of relief from it and it feels so nice then just as fast as it left it comes back. Nothing in my life has ever went the way I prayed or even hoped for. Really the only thing I’ve ever been able to thrive at is work. But honestly I did good career wise when I was drunk all the time. Hell I even did decent at the jobs I had when I was shooting dope. So why cant I thrive in any other area of my life. Why am I not worthy of it. Am I selfish am I asking for to much just to get a few of the things every fucking one else seems to get? Am I suppose to just give up my petty little hopes and just settle for less and try to be happy with it. Is that God’s plan for me? Is God’s plan for me to just watch everyone else’s dreams come true? Somedays I just wanna say fuck God’s plan, fuck god. Maybe I dont like God’s plans for me. Maybe I feel im being cheated, maybe I want more. But this is also the kind of thinking that leads me right back to the needle. Maybe the needle is my destiny and im just postponing the inevitable. My professional life is going great and im extremely thankful for that its nice being recognized for my effort its nice being paid well its nice being able to afford things but I want more. I want my kids, I want someone special to do things with I want love I want belonging I want fulfillment. If the best hours of my life are to happen during the hours im clocked in then what’s the point in caring. I want to work to live not live to work and at the moment being at work is the closest I get to being happy.
I’ve been a hate filled bastard my whole life. Mad at myself, mad at the world, any and every little thing, and I’ve taken it out on myself and the world around me, the people around me.
Life doesn’t give a shit what we want. The world isn’t here to cater to our wishes. Hard truths I’ve come to hear.
We never get what we feel we deserve.
Feeling marginalized or wrapping myself in self pity, lead me to realize there’s not enough room for everyone’s dreams to come true. Doesn’t mean we can’t be happy, can’t enjoy our lives, but we’re not all gonna be rockstars. Just isn’t enough room.
I’m not of the God believing type, so I feel it all comes down to me. I choose my own level of involvement. I try to forgive, I try to be nicer, to be more patient, polite, try not to live behind a hard exterior that I feel I need for protection.
My life got turned upside down nearly 2 years ago because of my addiction. Took me a couple months to get out, but I’m out and been working on myself.
i can’t make a difference to the world, but I can make a world of difference to the people around me.
You should look into mental health counselling, and/or anger management. Take some time to take care of yourself.
If you feel everything you’re doing is wrong or not working out, then pick some different routes. Explore completely foreign activities to change your surrounding and mindset. Meet new people, start learning something new and be vulnerable. Be honest with yourself and set yourself up for some wins. Easy things to get the ball rolling.
I might just be way off the mark, but I get it. Don’t sit in a dark echo chamber. Shine some light in there. And let it go.
I had to, if I didn’t want my kids to see me as a twisted ball of anger. Anger so rarely helps, it’s almost not even worth mentioning. Compassion will get you reconnected. Understanding will help you get through.
And breathe. Take 5. Don’t do and say the things that you’re gonna be mad you did. Get a few wins. Feel good.
Loneliness is a beast, I’m also familiar with. It’s was my anger that has kept me there. Turns out being nicer has turned a few heads too. Being the angry one always had them turning away.
Find your peace. A grudge is weight only you carry. It’s exhausting. Find out what you’re made of.