Today marks 30 days for me. I’m proud of myself yet more ashamed than anything. I woke up in such a horrible mood yesterday for absolutely no reason. It was like a switch had been flicked. I ended up sabotaging the entire holiday by staying in my room and doing sudoku to keep myself occupied. At one point, I yelled at my 16 y/o daughter “you know what you did so admit it and say it!” just so she could possibly shed some ounce of light on why I was so pissed off. She couldn’t. I finally broke down and admitted I didn’t know why I was angry. I cried all evening and kept apologizing. She merely said she was just confused, laughed, gave me a hug and said “come on, let’s go finish the Daredevil series!”
I am still reeling and ashamed from why I got so pissed off out of nowhere and ruined the day for her. I feel like an awful and disgusting person. I keep looking for some answer as to why I did this…
Has anyone else experienced getting so angry for no reason and not knowing why??? Is this part of the process?
Sorry if I’m over sharing…this is my first post.
It’s not part of everyone’s process and it’s also very common. Thirty days, while amazing, is still very early. Both physically and mentally your body can be in WTF mode. As to answering why, how are you dealing with emotional sobriety overall? How much “work” are you putting into yourself? Meditation, meetings, journaling, reading? Are you digging in? Or just not drinking/using?
I am glad you posted here. It’s a great place to lay it out. Welcome to the forum!
I haven’t been doing anything other than constantly telling myself ‘you don’t need a drink, just keep remembering why you stopped and how good you’ll feel tomorrow’.
I want to learn meditation but am afraid my mind won’t stop racing enough. I have to try.
You can try guided meditations on the Insight Timer app. They have thousands of free meditations of varying lengths and types. You can see what you like and/or what works for you.
In 99% of cases, addiction is a symptom of something within you.
For me that was a past with my dad abusing me, consistent bullying, death, homelessness and loneliness among other things. Throwing in a teaspoon of ADHD and a whiff of autism and you get a nice batter of pain that infiltrates every part of your soul 
Obviously, I did not want to live like that so I started gaming because that did give me joy. It helped me forget that I truly despised myself. Ultimately it caused more harm to my problems, which I could only feel less by gaming.
I’m now 1000+ days of no gaming. I still felt suicidal after quitting. Up to even a year ago.
I had quit gaming, but I didn’t do much about the pain, so I’d still abuse technology a lot.
Then I decided to go to therapy and it has done miracles for me. I’m okay with who I am, including all my “flaws”. I am stable. And I even have a lot of contact with my dad.
Point being: addiction is a symptom to an underlying problem. Simply quitting your addiction will not resolve it. Working to identify and fix that problem will get you very far though. And there are tons of other ways than therapy to do that. Like AA meetings, smart recovery and simply taking part on this forum can also help a ton.
I wish you the best of luck and congrats on 30 days
I made the mistake of trying to empty my mind but meditation can be moments of contemplation, sit and breathe and watch your racing mind, hundreds of thoughts come and go. Confront the dark ones and the power they have over you will dwindle over time and watch where the strange ones come from and go to… even as I type this I am thinking about a chicken sitting on an egg, WHY?? 
God knows 
but that’s why I don’t trust my thoughts they are not all real and I don’t have to react to them. The thoughts that enter my head about drink and drugs are lies I used to believe, talk about fake news 
Wake up bc while your thinking about what’s going to happen life is happening without you.
A huge congratulations on ur 30 days! To be honest… every milestone I have ever reached usually causes intense emotion in me about 1-2 days before I reach it. Apparently this emotional state is qiite common (which for me is huge irritability, fatigue, just basically outright annoyed with everything and everyone). Thats why they have those clean day chips at 12 step mtgs. I actually plan for this when i reach those milestones bcuz every single time i come up to one, it impacts me this way. Maybe thats what is going on?
You are human, feelings happen. Especially in early sobriety. We spend so much time drinking AT our feelings, tamping them down, supressing them with alcohol and drugs…eventually they need to come out. It is one of the reasons many people turn to physical activities…not just to feel better physically, but to help move stuck emotions out of our bodies…to release them. If we don’t express emotions when we first feel them, they can get stuck and come out when the pressure is off a little…like when we are sober for awhile. At least that is my experience.
I find journaling very helpful for releasing and expressing new and old emotions. And running…love running it out and clearing my head.
I think many of us can relate to having heightened emotions in early sobriety. I apologized to my husband a lot…I still do when needed, tho that never came easily to me.
Learning healthier ways of expressing ourselves can be a good side benefit of sobriety. Like Jan mentioned, therapy can help with that.
And like Butterfly mentioned, milestones, like 30 days, have a way of making us really keyed up…they have for me. So again, you are not alone.
Another vote for meditation. It helps calm my mind. I use the technique of reciting in my head…breathing in…breathing out…breathing in…breathing out. I also recommend Sharon Salzburg loving kindness meditations. Very soothing. 
Congrats on your 30 days!!!
Edited to add…oopsy, this should have been a reply to the OP @Kabee.
Thank you all very much for your advice and insight. You are all spot on…I drank so I wouldn’t have to address the pain on the inside. I know I have to confront this, actually sit with it, feel it, learn to cope and work through it.
I’m beyond appreciative…each of you took the time to read and respond with heartfelt and positive advice. I don’t feel so alone and ashamed. Thank you, thank you!!! 🫶🏼