Saturday was the first birthday I’ve had sober for over 20 years. There was no hangover leading into it or leading out of it. The day itself was a letdown.
I have a history of shitty birthdays. I tried to do something different this year. The thing is I’ve spent so many birthdays plastered or just out of it or blacked out and I think I liked that better.
I would rather deal with cleaning up my messes from lousy behavior or whatever f up I did that deal with my emotions on my actual birthday. My emotions are a mess. I do go to therapy and it does help, but this was tough again.
I really hates doing these milestone activities for the first time without booze. My first thought when things are not going well is to have a drink. I still didn’t drink on the day or Sunday and I’m about to hit 170 days tomorrow.
Anonymously I will say some stuff here that I don’t have the courage to say. It is possible that I drank so much so I would be the center of attention and not just some kind of afterthought. Maybe all of my anger issues are about that. Or maybe not.
All that being said, thank you to this community for helping me through shitty days. I’ve got therapy tomorrow and I will continue to try to figure out what the hell I’m supposed to do like this.
And of course congratulations on staying sober!