Another good day.
I’m starting to realise that all that I have been calling “good days” lately are just barely average normal days for most people, and sometimes not even that much.
To make it clear, a good day to me is not to crave meth too much, being able to stick to anything similar to a structured day (means not sleeping all day long, and not skipping any meal out of forgetting, or anxiety or apathy) ,being able to do a couple of basic tasks at home, and not having more than one of the following a day : rage outburst, impostor syndrome strike, overreacting to very little things, being disappointed with myself, or so pissed off that I don’t want to go out cause I know I won’t manage anything but with violence.
If the above happens and I also find time to study a bit, or even enjoy little things (like talking with friends, or getting some little extra stuff done, or being mentally and emotionally able to participate in the forum) then it really is a very good day.
And it still light year away from an average normal day of most of people.
It’s important to me to point that out. Things are going better, maybe a bit too much better bit too fast. That’s the moment when I feel I can do anything and go back to a “normal routine” wich means I will ignore everything, starting by my own needs; and lose the track of what brought me to this point.
It’s the moment when I burn myself in a delusional strength and happiness and end - sooner than later - relapsing.
It’s important that I keep aware of that.
But it’s also important that I keep calling them Good days. Because let’s be honest, those days make me feel alive, and better, and push me to keep going.
And if they make me feel good and do good (for me and others) then, there’s no reason to call them anything else than good days.
PS: just 30 min and a couple of bad jokes after I first wrote that and my mood is shit. I’m sad, angry and insecure. Right now, I can say I don’t fear anything, and that sucks. I’m mostly disappointed on myself. But this will pass. So best thing I can do i going sleep.
Good night.