Valentine’s Day I turned 34. Thirty four trips around the sun. My second birthday since Daniel left this earth. It’s odd to think about the fact that I’m two years older then I was the last time I would ever see him… How incredibly sad. Thankfully though, I haven’t avoided the hard stuff this last year and it has helped me to sit in my reality when it’s both good and bad. This is also my second birthday I’ve celebrated sober❤️ wild.
Ive changed. I entered year 33 on uncertain feet, without any direction, and I leave it with more scars and more purpose. I’ve been humbled. I’ve opened my heart and had it seen. Ive seen vulnerability and betrayal, grief and broken spirits. Ive cried in the arms of strangers, friends and alone on my bedroom floor. Ive lost much but I’ve also gained.
I’ve evolved and changed in ways I truly wish I never had to know… And I’ve also changed in ways I will cherish until my death day comes too. I’ve learned I am not a hopeless case or a lost cause. I am standing up again, tending these wounds, moving forward. I am not a victim. I am a survivor, a warrior, a strong human being growing stronger every day. I am not in spite of my struggle; I am not because of my struggle. Struggle is only a place where you are refined, made stronger and I am becoming more clearly me every day. I am forever living with pain, but the pain is not everything. The pain is, but I am more. So entering year 34, I aim to wear my scars with dignity. Though I am broken, there is so much beauty in my pain. Also, I’m really not as broken as I thought I was. Non of us are.
Getting older while Daniel remains eternally 36 will forever not sit completely right with me. I think I’ll always be that girl in the crowd, standing on tiptoes searching for his face. I loved deeply, so how could I not. But, I’ll make time to search for Sarahya also and I’ll smile at her, every time I find more of her.
I really love your stories and how you keep his memories alive through them
Yet we go on, carrying them with us thru time. May the pain help break your heart wide open to allow the healing to forge you stronger and with more space for what comes next. 
your writing always moves and inspires me so much. You are incredible, thank you for Being and sharing your journey and poetry. Sending you a big big warm loving hug sister 