Do you ever get that feeling that you’re not getting a deep enough breath? Not that you’re short of breath or hyperventilating, but that one good deep breath could feel like a reset? But then when you finally get that deep breath and the feeling leaves it comes back almost immediately?
Almost 2 weeks sober, didn’t think I’d make it this far.
A few weeks ago in the middle of one of my worst points of intoxication I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 4 years. In a text. I hate that…
Having a slightly clearer head there’s so much I wish I could go back and change, but he won’t speak to me now. Probably for the best on his end. Whenever I want to reach out I draft a message in the notes of my phone, read it and edit it over and over until the feeling passes, and try to come here to read or vent instead. It has been helping, but some small voice in my head keeps suggesting if I get to this goal or that goal it’ll be okay to finally send it.
If Doc Brown showed up right now I’d jump in that DeLorean and gun it to last month without a second thought.
Hey, do what you can and don’t let the things you can’t change affect your mental health. Living in regret, is living in despair, and that’s not healthy
Right now my missus of 11 years won’t talk to me beyond; “what?” “why are you calling?” " what do you want?" “I want space”.
Absolutely breaks me. I have no friends, no family. She and the kids were all I had worth living, working and waking up each day for.
What I’ve come to realise, without long term and systematic change, I’m gonna lose them permanently, and deflect anyone else from ever being interested in me because who would wanna be with a lunatic, alcoholic, drug addict with no friends and no family and suffers PTSD and bpd.
Not very inviting.
What can you do? I’m trying to be the opposite of what I was doing. Stop doing the things that people would get upset at me for. Stop the behaviors. The abuse. The messages. The false promises.
People wanna see action and long term change, without the sympathy act. Don’t expect sympathy or understanding from anyone that isn’t educated in addiction. Only leads to disappointment and confusion.
It’s hard not to beat myself up over it. And after sending that horrible text I spiraled even harder, really dropped down the rabbit hole. After about a week or so blacking/browning out I fell at some point and hurt myself pretty badly with no recollection of when or where it happened. Still have a pretty solid knot on my chin almost 2 weeks later.
That was when I kind of figured out that it all had to change. I can’t keep spiraling and hurting myself and the people around me. Makes this time around deciding to be sober feel different, less of an “I should,” and more of just an overall no thank you, I don’t like this game anymore.
Being able to talk things out here and with a few old friends has helped, but my damn broken heart still just wants to tell him about it. The one person I can’t tell.
This too shall pass, wounds heal and scars fade. He wasn’t exactly trying to be there for me either, and that feeling of abandonment didn’t help.
It still just sucks for now. Thank you for your words of support
I live with that shortness of breath every day… it’s very uncomfortable. So I know what you mean. In my past string of 5 years sober I noticed that feeling dissipated significantly though. Hopefully you can find relief soon and I wish you well in working through the challenges you mentioned - also, been there. You’re doing the best thing by sharing about it here. We are here for you. Keep posting and reading - that’s what has been helping me the past few days since my relapse. Sending you good vibes
