So im day 11 and to be honest the last few days ive felt great, strong and positive…my issue is this…my mother and i are extremely different people… im very open minded,emotional, liberal and very empathetic… however…my mother is very old school believes in and demonstrates tough love at every turn which does not help me in the slightest, she is overly critical toward me and because the drinking over time has admittedly turned me into the alcoholic liar i am now distrusted by her so much i feel like i cannot do anything to redeem myself, i own the fact that i have lied to her many times about my drinking and ive apologised countless times i aldo know i have to earn back her trust…my issue is every time i mention how many days sober ive done im met with ‘well i hope so’ and ‘i hope it continues…this time’ which i find extremely unhelpful, im not going to waver but it puts doubt into my head that i can do this which i really dont need as its hard enough at times. She also will not discuss the drinking with me because she says she cannot and will not ever understand why i cannot ‘just stop’
Shes been away this last week and as horrible as this sounds it made me feel better because i didnt have her doubts and pressure around me so much…now shes back and its not helping, can anyone offer advice how to deal with her?
My husband is an alcoholic and had many failed attempts at getting sober. I would say similar statements to him because I honestly didn’t think he would ever fully commit. I went to his 90 day celebration and still wasn’t convinced he would continue on with his sobriety. It wasn’t until he celebrated 6 months that the thought crossed my mind that maybe this is possible but I didn’t want to get my hopes up. I was finally convinced at his 1 year celebration. All I can say, is it takes time for loved ones and that time varies. Use her statements as motivation to forge on.
Yes i get it, what frustrates me is her utter contempt for people who drink and cant just not and worse the fact that she refuses to even try to understand…ive decided i will not rely on her anymore for emotional support because the door is slammed in my face every time or worse still im told that my feelings arent valid, that im stupid, soft and simply need to pull myself together
Do not rely on her to motivate you or to build you up. Quite frankly, it sounds like you burnt that bridge and are aware of it. It actually isn’t in her job description to make you feel better about yourself in your sobriety. After all she dealt with the fallout for lord knows how long and finding trust isn’t going to be instantaneous.
It sounds like your mother is what we call a “normie”. Someone who can drink normally and not drink whenever they want. Folk like that just don’t understand folk like us who have an innate addictive personality. That is no one’s fault. It just is. So stop hoping for understanding from her. It won’t come. However trust has a chance eventually. Eleven days in, despite how us fellow recovery folk understand what a major thing it is, is just a blip on the map for your mom. It will take time, effort and patience for your mom to believe it.
Stop mentioning your recovery to her. It only hurts you when her past pain and mistrust makes her say those things. Words unfortunately were made meaningless by your past. Instead let your life, your living in recovery and your daily example of improvement show her how serious you are.
Sadly you two are already completely different types of people. That can already be hard to manage at times.
(It lost part of my post. Let me try to remember what I wrote )
Don’t go to your mother for building up esteem and motivation. There are lots of places you can get that. Use us! We are here for you. Go to a local meeting and meet local people. That will give you a good base of folk to hang out with and learn how to live clean and sober while still having fun. Keep coming here. I hope to see more of you and watch your growth on this incredible journey called recovery.
Thank you Sassy that is sterling advice, today she asked me to order her some sticks so she can test me for alcohol…she may not test me but she wants me to live in fear that she could test me any time, im a 42 year old woman! Ive politely said no and that her trying yo have me in fear is not what my recovery is about…my recovery is about me taking responsibility for myself and my actions and choosing not to drink
Good morning and congratulations on your excellent progress. The first days and weeks are the toughest and you are doing great!
I don’t know how old you are, but one of the things I’ve learned as I’ve gotten older (57 now), is that the people who can be my real support system for hard things may not be some of my family members. It seems like a mother should be an unconditional source of love and support and encouragement to their child, but that just is not always the case. I’m a mother too, and I hope that I am that support to my adult kids, but I’m sure I’m not perfect. (Especially since I drank wine to manage my hard emotions when I was raising them).
So this sobriety project means you may wish to choose carefully to have on your support team. In my case my own mother is not on my team. She thinks she is but she is not capable of the understanding and non judgement that I need. My brother also has limitations in how much he can support me due to mental health and addiction issues of his own. So I limit how much I talk about the sobriety project with them because I cannot count on a consistently supportive response.
My sister and my best friend are my main support team. They’ve been with me through other hard projects and have shown me unconditional support. That doesn’t mean they never question my efforts or challenge my thinking, but they do that with the tone of gaining understanding and helping me make good choices. I’m also fortunate to have a supportive husband. However I don’t lean on him for too much of this as he is on his own sobriety journey.
I also find this sober time community to be so helpful.
I encourage you to keep working on yourself but be very choosy about who you bring close for this project. As more time and success happen for you it would be nice if your mom can be genuinely supportive. But If she can’t, then try to accept that and maybe even grieve that, but don’t let it deter you. It is hard to understand that our parents may be deeply flawed or injured, but it is important to protect your sobriety and mental health.
Thank you LAB, such great advice, shes my mother but doesnt have to be part of my support team, ive realised that now, i was great this morning until she came over now my mood has shifted to anger and frustration when this journey im on is hard enough to begin with, i know its just because she cares but shes making things harder because shes being so overbearing, i wont waver i just dont need her judgement right now
Oh. You guys don’t live together? Oh hun, time to set some boundaries. Does she just drop in without calling? Perhaps trying to catch you drinking? Put an immediate stop to that. Sit down with her and explain you are doing your best but you need to set boundaries. Call first. You aren’t hiding anything but also you are a grown woman and expect the respect of a heads up for a visit. Normally I wouldn’t insist on this from a family member. However this relationship right now is toxic to you and you deserve to protect yourself. If talking won’t work then write a letter explaining it. As a normie she isn’t even aware how she interacts with you affects your sobriety and daily life.
No im a single mother myself with my own place, i get why shes so worried, ive lied repeatedly about my drinking only for her to be let down again when something happens, ive caused her alot of pain and worry n i own that, she also worries about my daughter and i fully understand that too but taking responsibility for myself and being accountable is the only route i feel i have right now
Wow, well done that is truly amazing and inspiring, this time feels very different to me, ive stopped before but it was for everyone else when i look back, this time its for me and my daughter, im working on my self worth and taking responsibility, i dont want to drink because i dont want go damage myself any longer, i want to have self respect and look after myself, my mother has no respect for me and i feel shes actually part of the problem
Well me saying i want to take responsibility for myself not her trying to take responsibility for me and refusing to be tested by her has resulted in her flying off the handle and saying i have to understand why shes like that and ended with her saying she doesnt know why she even bothers
You both are at polar opposites right now. Both of you are wanting the same goal even if it doesn’t seem like it. Once again, the history between you both is coloring how you each are perceiving the relationship. Right now you both appear to be bumping heads rather than working together towards a goal. I highly recommend writing a letter. By writing it rather than trying to discuss it you have the opportunity to put things clearly yet in a way she will be able to understand. You can write it, edit it, think about it and edit again if necessary before giving it to her. Stress that you would love having her help but on your terms. If once you do this and nothing changes then stronger boundaries need to be enforced. You have to decide now if you want your mother to be part of your life or not. Some of her habits are an innate part of her and won’t change. Are you willing to compromise?
She has to be in my life shes my mother and grandmother to my daughter but right now i feel i need to learn how to let what she says about me and to me slide and not allow it to upset me but also this is difficult as im very sensitive, its not just this with my mother…i am angry with her and have been for many years…when i was very young around 6 her and my dad split and then she got with my stepdad…i think it was an affair. My brother and i had to go live with grandparents for 2 years until they got sorted with a house etc then when we moved back with my mother my stepdad was horrible to us…then they had my younger brother who was very obviously treat different to us, treat very well n we still endured mental abuse for years. Fast forward to when i had my daughter 5 years ago and a mother myself…suddenly i had this deep sense of anger toward my mother for allowing us to be treat so badly by my stepdad…i would absolutely NEVER let anyone treat my girl like that for long as i have breath in my body…yet she did and now seems to think she can critcisize my mothering skills
My dad stopped seeing my brother and i when i was around 10 without any explanation aswell, i have a mental health assessment soon to try and deal with childhood events
No she doesn’t. No one HAS to be in your life. Not parents, nor kids, nor friends nor anyone who you do not choose to be in it.
Is she aware of your deep seated life long anger and the reason for it? You are aware that anger isn’t hurting her, right? It’s only harming you. Therapy sounds like a good idea.
Well, have to run for now. I’ll check in on you later, dear.
)
