I could use some advice concerning how to gain my wife’s trust again. While using I lied to her a lot about my usage and why I was acting the way I was. I was blaming it on my depression and other things in my life that weren’t going well. I know this isn’t a quick fix but any advice would be appreciated. Thanks I’m advance
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The best (only?) way to gain back trust is through changed behaviour over time. If you lied or promised and then broke your promise many times, it will take a long time for that trust to come back. And it might not at all, you have to be ready for that, and change for yourself, and if your wife starts to trust you again, that is just the icing on the cake.
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Be honest. Be patient. Dont put an expiration date on being honest and your recovery based on when and if she trusts you. Just keep doing the work. Remember you cant control her timeline on when shes going to trust you again. Just keep working and being honest with yourself and her.
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You cannot fix a hole, you can however repair it and pray the patch stays put.
Do your best to work on an apology and , deliver it. Write it down. Letter it to your wife and to yourself. Don’t just say sorry everyday. Learn what that means. BECAUSE if you relapse, like i did, she will use it as a weapon. A weaponized amends is dangerous.
Write it down, read it, Say it, Then live it. Keep it in your pocket
Step 9
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible,
EXCEPT
when to do so would injure them or others.
Stay strong, your marriage depends on it. More importantly, your well being and health and sobriety are counting you to DO BETTER
You can do this,
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An honest effort is better than just letting it go
.
This picture is an example of my marriage at 14 yrs
We have 28 yrs now
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Hi, and welcome! I can relate to the strong emotions around this issue. I betrayed my husbands trust many times. Each time I relapsed and binged on secret drinking, lied about it, had a fight with him, regretted it, talked it out the next morning,promised never again… desperately wanted his trust again. Felt horribly alone and depressed, worried and anxious.
But trust is something to be earned. Each time it gets broken, it’s harder to get it back.
Time. Patience. Working my program. Staying sober. Working on the aspects of my self and my habits that caused my addiction in the first place. Really digging into myself. That is what I have to focus on. It is up to me to be the best version of myself that I can be. 8 plus months down the line now, does my husband trust me? I don’t really know, and I’m OK with that.
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Welcome Dave.
I only know one formula. And it works.
Actions Over Time = Trust
Keep coming back. This is as great sober community with some fantastic people.
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Allow her the space to be angry. Allow her the space to be sad. She’s earned at least that much.
If you are truly serious about making things right you will do everything within your power to get, and stay, sober. Show her you are serious about her by getting serious about your sobriety. Hit some meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps.
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Be aware that a partner is usually hurt more by our actions than we are hurt by our addictions. We stop using and expect a parade of congratulations to come our way while our partner is struggling with “can I believe him this time after all that lying and stealing?”.
Consistently good behavior and truthful statements over time is the only way to gain trust and respect back.
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