This may or may not be my last post I’m not to shere right now
and in all honesty if my husband sees this maybe he’ll understand why I was somewhat upset but not completely I’m just trying to stand my ground because I never do I always treat him with the same level of respect that I hope that he would show me but yet he doesn’t always
and for the first time ever I decided to not let him off that easily this time because every time I did he just brush it off way to easily and apologize and pretty much say to cut him some slack he’s not perfect and it’s going to take him some time to learn
and I always understand and said ok I forgive you or whatever and then go on about life and whatever but thing is he just doesn’t seem to learn because he keeps doing the same thing over and over again and it honestly hurts me every single time and every single time he does it I ask him why and a lot of the time he doesn’t really give me an answer and sometimes he does and one of them is I wasn’t thinking I’m sorry
so long story short to give you a somewhat preview on what happened and why we’re here and things is you know I have issues with my in-laws they don’t really like me especially the mother in law but anyway something happened and I not only told my husband the truth I asked him please please!!!
Just keep it between us don’t tell anybody else including your family because they already don’t like me and I’m trying very hard not to start anything and things so promise you won’t say anything and he promised but mind you my husband when he gets upset or whatever you want to call it things slip I guess and the thing is this one thing I asked him not to say he said it and right after he said it it took a day or two or whatever but it got back to me because the family went and blow up on me I was shocked and to be honest infuriated not at the fact that they called and texted all upset and things I was more upset at the fact that he not only broke my trust he broke a promise to me as well
And it wasn’t just that one thing it is building up he even sent his dad text that I sent to my husband privately about different things like i made a little song or whatever asking if you want to have time together tonight if you know you know
and they sat there texting back and forth laughing about it and his dad saying just let her do it and my husband like well I’m to tired maybe tomorrow things like that and that doesn’t even scratch the surface of the things that I keep on forgiving in a way but I don’t forget I felt embarrassed and violated in a way and all he could say is that one it isn’t a big deal it’s just my dad he thought it was funny
he’s a good man mind you but he just doesn’t think before he dose at times and these outcomes of his actions are kinda doing a number on my marriage
I love him and I don’t want it to end especially when we have a family together but I just can’t do it anymore his family and his actions are getting in the way at times and every time I try to speak up he gets a bit uptight and says it’s not that big of a deal but in a way and at times it is to me at least
I just wanted to come on here and tell my side of things because I know he’s on here telling his thank you for your time and if you guys have any ideas on how to help us ideas are welcome thanks for listening hope all of you have a great rest of your night
I am glad you are here writing it out. I do hope that being vocal about it is helpful.
I am not married or in a relationship. I do know that I too would be very upset if my partner or friend went back on their word even if it was an accidental slip.
Very sorry to hear that you were ambushed by your in laws via texts. That must have been so awful and would have infuriated me as well.
It is not enough for someone to say sorry if they keep repeating their actions. I am not saying to forgive him or not forgive him but it would be helpful for the both of you to have a open talk. Let him know how you feel and how his slip up messed up your trust. Sometimes we think it is obvious but many times our loved ones don’t know exactly how we are feeling or what their actions/ words meant to us.
I wish I had more advice for you. I do hope you do stick around as we are here for you.
I think you guys need help. It sounds like your husband is not really taking responsibility for his actions that hurt you and your marriage. He keeps saying sorry to appease you instead of seeing how his words and actions hurt you and being remorseful about it. The way he told his family something you shared in confidence is just disgusting. Does he stand up for you in the face of his parents and other family? Or does he simply take part when these people are talking shit about you?
I would recommend couples’ counselling. His behaviour is concerning.
In all honesty I felt the same way and I tried my best on communicating that last night and he in a way was down for it and then he started reading on it and thinking about it and said he doesn’t know how he feels about it know because we have kiddos together and he doesn’t want them thinking we’re not suitable parents or whatever but I feel like in a way it could make us as a better and stronger unit / family if that makes any sense I just want my partner back in all honesty my trust and things are so broken I even have a hard time with him saying just trust me on this because I gave him all my trust and things and when he kinda took that for granted I felt and still kinda feel lost and uncomfortable in my own skin if that makes any sense
I feel you on that I am infuriated about the whole thing in all honesty I feel like he just doesn’t understand that his sorrys aren’t going to help anything anymore I keep telling him his actions speak louder than words so if you are really sorry then please stop doing the exact same thing that I keep on telling you that is hurting me and he tells me ok I’ll try but not to long after I feel like he does it again and then proceeds to say sorry and he didn’t mean it and so on and so on
but in a way I feel lost for words and sometimes I feel like he doesn’t really care if he is or isn’t going to hurt my feelings because by the actions that he does that’s just the way that I feel I’m not saying that’s the case with him but I feel like it is that way at times if that makes any sense
At one point he kinda posted my name tag for on here because he was talking about me and talking about his side of things and I get that but I told him to take it down or at least take my name thing done because I don’t do it to you on there so please don’t do it to me he one time asked why don’t you say my name on here and I told him out of respect and also some of the things I talk about is hard for me and I don’t want them thinking poorly about you and the choices you make from time to time I’m not to Shere if that makes any sense to all of you but he’s not a really bad man he just makes poor decisions that’s all so if you do figure out who he is on here because he’s on here all the time talking just please try to show some grace
Or whatever you want to call it because he dose have a good heart he just needs to change his ways and maybe at some point you all can help me to help him To do so
He doesn’t want to change his ways, he just wants you to stop being mad at him. It sounds a lot like untreated alcoholism to me. I believe you mentioned he’s sober at some point, but it sounds a lot like white-knuckling to me. If he were sober, we would work on changing his behavior, and not yours.
Your partner isn’t sorry he wronged you, he’s sorry that he’s in trouble. His apology has never been about making you feel better, its about him feeling better. All of his “apologies” are performative. I only found it necessary to chime in because he won’t commit to therapy. It seems unlikely that he is going to commit to any type of work on himself. I think you need to be prepared for the very likely scenario that he is completely unwilling to do the work.
I hope you can find the strength to do what is right for you, because it certainly sounds like your partner is not capable of supporting you.
What @Englishd said. Unwillingness to change, to work on himself and to seek therapy. Your family unit becomes stronger when you both engage in inner healing. It takes courage and determination to do that, to take honest inventory, to face your character defects and admit you need help. If you don’t do the work, you never develope as a person, you never learn to love others. You can’t connect with other people if you’re disconnected from yourself. You only care about your own ass and live for yourself. It’s not an easy road but it’s crucial.
My parents never got help as individuals or as a couple, which has resulted in years of therapy for me and my sister. Hurt people hurt people. Please make smart choices while your kids are little.
I agree with you both and that’s why if anything it may take some time / financial move things around kinda thing but I am thinking about doing therapy for myself I know in a post not to long ago I said that I can’t afford it but ever since this has happened if anything I want to change my self because to be honest I’m not all there at times and I’m just cruising through life feeling the way that I’m feeling thinking it’s ok to feel this way but as you are talking to me I’m kinda finally realizing I deserve better and I should stop pushing myself down so much just to make everyone around me feel ok and comfortable because as I said before I’m not ok and I’m not comfortable in my own skin I don’t know about my husband but that’s how I am feeling especially at this moment
I want to better myself for my kids and for my future because I want to be happy I want to live my life without feeling so numb all the time so thank you for hearing me out and giving me all this good advice and I’m not just saying it to just you guys I’m saying it to everybody that is reading my thread and taking the time to share there thoughts and ideas to help
I am happy to hear that you will be working on therapy for yourself and working on getting to a better space mentally / emotionally for you. Hopefully your husband will follow but that is on him. You can only make changes for yourself. I am glad you are realizing that “sorry” can only go so far and yes actions speak louder than words.
You do deserve better!!! Sorry to hear of how you are feeling. Proud of you for knowing you don’t need to push yourself down or make yourself any less. Stand tall my friend.
Thank you I do not hear that enough so I appreciate you and you all for standing by and talking me through this iffy issue that I am haveing right now I really don’t have much family and what family I do have dose not understand me at all along with not believing in me especially when I say I’m an addict and I’m in sobriety getting clean and I have been clean for 5 years going on 6 years soon I think if I do the math right
So it’s nice to be going on here when I can and hearing your guises stories and also being able to tell mine without judgement
Update on how things are going so far i set a goal like I told you guys on how I was thinking and wanting to get a therapist well guess what it happened I set up my appointment over the phone video call
But thing is I’m not to Shere on how to feel about it yet it’s a bit out of my comfort zone but I told myself this is a good thing I know it’s going to take time for me to heal but I feel like in a way this is a good step in the right direction
I want to heal I want to better myself for not only me but for my family as well
and I’m hoping even though it’s going to take time to heal in the meantime I’m going to learn coping skills to help myself as the healing process begins
I’ll definitely let you guys know how it goes after my appointment it’s not going to happen right away but when it does I feel like it’s going to open a hole new world for me so thanks again for the love and support so much so that I kinda made up my mind I’m going to stick around a bit more you guys really helped me out by just talking and supporting and suggesting things I really do appreciate
it’s really helpful and nice too know that there are people out there that care so thank you I hope you all have a great rest of your night
That’s a huge step… congratulations on setting up the therapy. Glad you realize that it can take some time to start healing. You’ve taken the first step
So happy to hear that you will be sticking around. I do love this community and how everyone comes together to help each other. It’s a beautiful thing.
I’m sorry to read about your struggles.
Please forgive my open and honest impression: your husband is a boy, not a man, acts like an asshole and refuses to be held responsible or be responsible.
Words not matching actions is manipulation, breaking trust is a no go and refusing to work on oneself because your behaviour is hurting your partner is narcisstic assholery.
You cannot make a relationship work if you are the only one who cares and works on it. Been there, done that. It takes two, it takes mutual commitment, it takes boundaries and consequences followed through.
Take good care of yourself
Love alone is not enough, speaking from experience.
