I have been addicted to porn for over 20 years and just realized it this year. I am at war with my brain and willpower. I have gone 30 days sober twice, but right around there I break and I watch for like a week then I quit again…
This has ruined my life as an adult man… I can get/maintain erections consistently, I have almost no sex drive, I no longer have the natural confidence I did in my 20’s (I look the same) and I have a hard time forming connections and relationships with women. Also I am always tired, no energy, I feel numb, lots of brain fog, no initiative to build anything for myself. This sucks does anyone have any advice?
Hi @Adonis88, you are not alone - many of us here struggle with this exact problem. If you search “porn”, “PMO”, “masturbation”, and similar terms you will find many posts about it.
Yes. Two things:
Life as an adult man is about so much more than erections. (Life as a teen and young adult too.) Ironically, emphasizing erections actually made it more difficult for me. It was only when I spread my wings and my mind (and heart) to explore healthy human connection more deeply, without the penis focus that our penis-obsessed culture uses as a catch-all for the human sexual experience, that my sex life improved too.
Forming connections with women - or with anyone - starts in the heart and the brain. The penis is like 57th on the list, maybe 93rd, and it is on the “optional items” list, not the mandatory one. The brain and the heart are not optional. You can’t form healthy connections with any human being, women included, unless you have a healthy human connection and care for yourself. You do not currently have that (if you did, you wouldn’t be posting about what you’re posting about in this thread).
Have you looked into a Sexaholics Anonymous or Sex Addicts Anonymous group? There’s also Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. These three programs all focus on helping people who have problems with sex or lust to recover their healthy self and their healthy heart.
There are other programs too. Patrick Carnes has written many, many books about sex and intimacy disorders, and any of them will be informative for you. I joined a sex addiction recovery clinic in my city and was there for two years in my early recovery. We studied books by Patrick Carnes, including Facing the Shadow, and Recovery Zone 1. (Those books are meant to be studied under the guidance of a counsellor knowledgeable about sex addiction recovery.)
Developing a healthy heart and a healthy self is the first step. Nothing else happens until that is settled. It takes time. I know you are preoccupied with your sexual response and your interactions with women, but that is superficial and is neither the cause nor the solution to your problem. The problem starts in the heart, and until you get that squared away, nothing else will change.
Best wishes on your journey to a new life. A porn free life is a great life. So you seek a good thing. As a fellow porn addict, I commend your decision to be honest with yourself and others and put yourself out there and receive help. Welcome to the community.
I don’t watch much porn but I do masturbate excessively (among other things). I’m on a med that’s been helping but I can’t say if it will work for everyone. I’m almost to day 70 and had been in denial myself until last year. I wish I had more for you but know you’re not alone.