Drinks always been a bit of a cycle for me. Binge drink followed by regret, shame and pain. Of course, once these feelings go, I do it all over again.
On Friday I went further with drink than I ever had before and my actions have left me feeling true shame. I don’t know how I can forgive or respect myself again. I don’t feel I deserve absolution. I have enough prior experience to know the impact of drinking and yet I did it anyway. I’m now left utterly humiliated by the things I have done and said. Some of my relationships I now feel are irreparable.
My resolve to quit is strong currently but I’ve been here so many times before. I’m just starting to feel tired now. I want to break the cycle because I can’t take this fight many more times. One day I feel I’ll wake up without the strength to get through it again. I need to stop before I reach that day.
We get sober 1 minute, 1 hour, 1 day at a time… repeat over and over. The forgiveness isn’t gonna happen until you string together some days and change your life. It will happen though. You deserve a sober happy life, it’s yours for the taking so go take it.
You have just told my story. The difference is I’ve started to forgive myself. What I did a year ago, a month ago, yesterday. That is all in my past. I choose today to not repeat yesterday. If I don’t let go of my shame and guilt I will get rid of it the only way I know how. To drink it away. In the end what is that going to do? Add more shit to what I am already running from. It’s a vicious cycle that ultimately leads to one end, my death. I understand your pain but I can’t take it away from you. Only you can do that my friend. It hurts to grow but the end result is so much better. I also understand about forgetting the pain it caused. That’s what it wants us to do so it can have us back. Get involved in your recovery and look for a way to break the cycle. You are making a good start.
Your yesterday’s do not define your tommorows, only today can do that. Its time to choose who you want to be and ask for help from long term sober people and do what they do.
Something that’s helped me is holding on to those feelings. Not to beat myself up, but to really remember it. I can still feel the shame anxiety and regret of my last morning after the night before (and quite a few others before it!). It serves as a reminder - this is what happens when I drink.
Now I don’t really remember most of the shit I did while drunk. It’s become less important as time has passed. People don’t know me as a drinker any more. I have fixed the problems I was able to and the things that couldn’t be fixed, well that’s how it is. Things change, life moves on. New memories get made! It takes time but I have come to believe that things will work out however they are meant to.
This forum is such an amazing resource, full of advice, information and people who get it. Hope you find it as helpful as I have!
Every day u don’t drink u are a step away from the parts of u that u are ashamed of. Think of not drinking as a way of making amends. In the early days memories of past behaviour are very painful, they do become less so. Focus on how much better ur life is sober and how u want to hang on to that.
Something I wrote in my journal the other day:
"I took a long look in the mirror at myself today, not sure why. I just sat down and I looked at myself and thought about everything I’m struggling with and thought about the people who care. Why? What am I worth to them? Why should I forgive myself when I’ve taken so much from my own life? How can I forgive myself?
I realised that if/when I can kick this dependency and truly change, I won’t be that person anymore. And that new person, I can live with him.
So I looked myself in the eyes and I said ‘i forgive you and I love you. Be free and do better tomorrow’. That was a big turning point for me recently
Forgive yourself. Forgive that you fell and know that it’s part of the process and trust that even when it feels like you can’t get any lower you can punch your way up through all the bullshit . 1 day at a time. Recovery is possible bro you can do it.
I am in your shoes as we speak, friend. After getting clean and sober countless times since I was 16, I once again relapsed roughly two years ago now. During these two years, I’ve had my first son, gotten married, and lost all relationship with my mother, which has been extremely traumatic in a number of different ways. Along with the trauma, the trauma I too have caused others has caused more shame and embarrassment than I know what to do with. I’m guessing this too is similar to how you’re feeling.
I am nearly through day 4 now and the amount of shame, heartbreak, embarrassment, and anxiety I still carry around every waking moment of every single day is torture. But what’s not torture for me is finally for the first time in two years not feeling utterly and completely dependent on drugs, alcohol, food, whatever it may have been that made me temporarily feel whole again.
While each bottom has gotten deeper and deeper, each slip has always lead me right back to where I belong. Forgiveness takes a long time and for me forgiving myself will forever be the hardest thing to do. Be kind to yourself as you’re back where you belong and safe once again. We both are and we can all do this together, one moment at a time!
I struggle with forgiveness everyday not only do i struggle with not knowing how to forgive my self but I hold very strong feeling toward another person and cant seem to let go of something and hold so much pain amd anger toward this person for something that was dont to me actually that wasnt done foe me at a point in time of the first low I ever had I ahd reach out foe help and it wasnt givin they then ledt me alone and without help and for thia is why I hold these strong feelings and I have no idea how to let them go but then again im not sure I want to or even can if i did want to… My name is Riley and I have fought being an addict since I was sixteen years old my drug of choice or my demon if you would like to call it is as we know it to be is meth this time is my final reach to being sober i plan in it veing my last because I say I wont fall again at least I dint want to i have only been sober since yesterday but already feel such a wait lifted its unreal i am jappy to be in this groul and this chat and thank you for having me
