Apologizing to my sister

Hello! My name is Marco. I am 29.

I am starting a life far from alcohol. I think I did not become an alcoholic, since I was usually controling my drinking, and never actually craved to have drinks, or feel at ease when drinking. In my case, it was more of a social drinking, and sometimes a drink or two on a weekday when I felt it, or to have with my food.

However, there have been around 3 times where my drinking was so badly, that even police got involved, and I did have a car accident while being drunk. Fortunately, nobody was harmed, and I did spent the night in prison. That time, I was a bit depressed and justified the accident with that. I don’t even remember going in the car, or why I decided to get in it. Nobody in my family, nor close friends, made a big deal out of it, and I talked it in therapy…so I also believed that it was a one-time incident.
This was 1.5 years ago.

However, one and half weeks ago, I got very drunk and I turned violent. I had attended two weddings. In the first one, I managed to control very well the drinking, and left the party actually sober. But on the second one, the alcohol stroke my head quite fast, and got very drunk almost immediately. My sister, who was with me, decided that it was time to go back home. All of this I do not remember. Apparently, I followed her until the car, and then I thought it was best for me to go by Uber, asking for one. She started to try to talk me into getting in the car, and I was insisting on going alone. She then said that she was calling my father, and by I was told, it’s when I got really upset, and yelled her not to call him…and pulled her by the hair. She then started to scream and told my father that I was hitting her, which made me even more violent.
I said to her: Oh! So I’m hitting you? Now I will hit you.
I grabbed her by the hair, and try to hit her against the car. She managed avoid it, and pulled me by the hair, she fell…and I started screaming to her. A that moment, a friend of mine went out of the venue, and heard my sister screaming…and stopped me.

I do remember her on the floor. I realized then that I was hitting my sister, and called the police myself, to turn in. Some other friends stopped me, and tried to calm me down. I was really shocked for what I had done, and crying badly. By then, my sister had called my family. My youngest sister, and his boyfriend, when to pick her up, and one more sister came to get me. I didn’t want to go back home, because I didn’t want my sister to see me, and thought that she needed space to feel safe. I have not see her since. She was prescribed rest for 10 days, and many painkillers for her neck.

My family has been very loving, and expressed her support in my recovering. My sister didn’t want to talk to me, and she asked my mom to tell me that she wants me to be fine, and healthy.
I was already taking a time off from work, and waiting To start a Master, so I came to a small town, where my grandma lives, to help her with some projects she’s working on. So it’s been helpful to have a space to slowly think and process what I did. I cry somedays, and I feel very scared. I feel very guilty. I still don’t understand what is happening, or what step is better to take.
I have been doing some research on my own, and I believe that am not an alcoholic yet. I didn’t drink any alcohol either, and actually don’t feel the need to do it…like I usually feel. I am very afraid of what is coming now. I have not tried to go into therapy, because I will only be here a couple of weeks. But I have already found one, back in my hometown.

However, I don’t know how to speak to my sister, or when to do it. I want to give her space to reassure herself, and find also peace. I can’t imagine how shocking could be to be violented by anyone, specially your brother. I think she knows that I was not myself, but still…it’s a really awful experience.
I started swimming lessons, and they help me to process all of what’s happening.

Has any of you gone through anything similar? What is your advice? I still feel very overwhelmed by accepting my use of alcohol disorder, and how to live with the fact that I hit my sister.

Thank you very much in advance.


You are 9? Sorry. Couldn’t read past that.


Diddo . Has me like :thinking:

I made a typo. Am 29

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Ok…that makes more sense. Here goes: you are a grown man who physically assaulted a woman that he should be protecting. Therefore, you are in her debt. Put it to her in those terms. Ask her to forgive you, but only when she’s ready. Pledge to earn and be worthy of her forgiveness, and then be worthy. Get and stay sober. Be the most awesome brother you can be, not just to her, but to all your sisters. Show them you are worthy. Repay your debt, with interest.


Thank you, @Yoda-Stevie
I also believe that giving space is really important. I think that I will write a letter to her… So she can find time at her own pace.

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Your actions will speak louder than words ever can here and getting to work on the underlying issues such as the depression you mentioned is really important here, have you spoken to your doctor about it?

I’m not labelling you alcoholic, we can only really label ourselves, but from what you have shared, it’s clear you plus alcohol is not a good mix and it is a problem. Whether you crave it or not, it’s like a game of roulette and you don’t seem able to have a drink and guarantee a safe outcome from it, therefore sobriety is the wise option. The good news is, you can do something about your sobriety.

It’s good your family are still talking to you, and know your sister loves you and will want you to get better. When the time is right and you are still sober and in a healthy head space, a humble and honest apology is required demonstrating you have learned from this and are bettering yourself through sobriety. I have had to apologise to my sisters, I never physically hurt them, but I caused them grief, thankfully they forgave me and we have a great relationship. The love and connection between siblings is special and we must cherish it. Your sister still loves you and will need some space, please don’t view this as rejection, it’s just what she needs so think carefully about the letter if you choose to send it.

I hope you can resolve this.


I haven’t spoke to my therapist, but will certainly do when I go back to my hometown. As you said, space for her is really important, and I do understand that.

@MARUKO29 I dealed with anger very much although not because of alcohol. I needed to ask forgiveness for my actions and words. My advice is to forgive first yourself. Only we can experience that If someone have forgiven us. In my case I asked God forgiveness and I experienced His Love for me although my evil deeds. Then I started a process of forgive myself. I can not change my past but I can change my present. Then I start to be loving with others.


Thank you! It’s really difficult. I was never violent, and, as you said, to forgive one self is very difficult as well. I had always fought against violence, and I considered my self rather caring and loving. So, dealing with this moment is though, but also as you said, one has to deal with it first.

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And you will do it well my friend.

The steps go in order for a reason and the amends come on the 9th. I don’t know how long ago this happened or how far into recovery you are, but there’s a very good chance neither of you are in a great place for you to apologise. Due to the traumatic nature of the event it may cause her further harm by reliving it at this point. And what if she tells you to go fuck yourself? Are you stable enough in your recovery to handle that. I know I probably wouldn’t be and I’m at a little over 6 months.

This may be a classic example of the living amends where you just live a better life so you don’t do that to anyone in the future. At the very least, time takes time. Get a sponsor, work some steps, get better, then clean up your side of the street.

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