Wow Emilie
Thank you for the update. Grateful that the two of you were able to talk it out. Love growth!
Whatever the future may hold, you know that you are able to a) handle it sober and b) do so independently if needed.
So happy for you dear friend. It must feel like a huge load has been lifted after your talk. 
I know that nothing is fixed yet but it is growth for me to be able to express my feelings soberly. He has some of his own work to do around this as do I. I will never be done improving myself. Thanks @JazzyS @Dazercat @Alisa @erntedank
Eric, I’m stealing this 
This is really great to hear!
I wish my ex would have talked and listened …
It does.
I would like to post here, not on the gratitude thread
Eric, you are amazing. How you handle all the moving stuff.
How you get along with wifey.
I thought about PM you. I decided that maybe my share might be helpful for others.
WTF are you dealing with? sorry for tough love but I am really concerned.
Mashed potatoes all over the place, rice cooking might be a challenge?
I’m sorry for the shoutout, but when my alzheimer grandmother started with this, we locked the stove and every electricity for safety reasons. This is no more dealing, this is dangerous for housing, pets and inhabitants.
Please accept this sharing and response as a helping hand, from deep concern and deep personal and professional experience. There are many respectful, helpful ways to handle it without being permanently present. You can always contact me for discussion and help, everyone who might need it please feel free to PM the same.
Sending you love, strength and prayers dear friend 
It’s just the booze and the loss of Minnie and the sudden move. She’s really just shut down. I cannot believe how I have to do almost all this by myself. But it’s ok. I listen to my serenity prayer meditation. I go to meetings. I’m way ahead of schedule which gives me time to rest often during the day.
It’s crunch time now. I feel like I just got to get us out of this house. I don’t think much will change when we get out of here. Although I will continue to work and change my attitude on things and go back to keeping boundaries in place. And I’ve got great supports in Scottsdale.
Alcoholic is gonna do what an alcoholic does. Until she hits rock bottom and does something about it.
My job is to accept this is her disease and to continue on the best I can. No it’s not fun for me. But this is what I’m doing today. Maybe tomorrow will be different.
Thank you for your love and concern.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Seriously appreciate you a lot.
It’s just after 2 am here and hubs just got home from work. He works with his best friend on Tuesdays and Fridays and these days are tough for me. His best friend is going through a divorce and they drink too much when they are together.
He was wandering around muttering for a while and that triggers some anxiety about past relationships, drinking and anger. I’ve tried to put myself to sleep before he gets home on these nights but I can’t sleep until he’s home safely and laying there pretending to sleep is way too reminiscent of my relationship before him.
I’ve always dated drinkers. My last long term boyfriend drank too much too which was one of the catalysts for our break up. Also he was an angry asshole which didn’t help his cause. I have my flaws too but this guy sucked.
My husband has been with me through lots of drinking times and we talk about this regularly these days. He supported me when I was down (which was often and debilitating after binges) and now I am supporting him. He used to see me sleep through whole weekends and break plans to lay in a near catatonic state of hungover. Some may see this as enabling (and maybe it is) but he was the first man who showed me unconditional love-me-for-who-I-actually-am-flaws-and-all love. He has taught me to be less judgemental and that life really is about laughter and walking in the sunshine and having fun.
He physically picked me up out of bed when I slept for five days after getting so drunk that I woke up 10 minutes late for class and went MIA in my school program for months before crawling back. This episode put me back a year in my program when I could have just called out sick. He showed me how to access resilience.
I’ve been feeling so solid in my brain and in my sobriety lately. Things seem to be clicking and occasionally I have strong revelations and insights about memories these days that seem to tie up loose ends in my mind. Hubs on the other hand is in a rotten place. Turning 50, drinking too much, out of shape, and often sad. He talks about death a lot, not in a planning to end it all way but in an inevitable scared way. I just listened to him tell me all the reasons we can’t go on vacation anytime soon. I think the real reason is because he is dreadfully unhappy.
He has been strong for me when I needed him and now I am trying to repay that debt. Plus I love him. I wish I could shake him and tell him QUIT YOUR JOB, TRY NOT TO DRINK FOR 30 DAYS but I haven’t. Maybe I should. I just wish he were able to build happiness.
At least his behavior is a good strong reminder that drinking sucks all the fun out of an already sad brain. This vent took me an hour to write but it helped me process. Thanks for the space all.
If he could do what he’s able to to get in better physical shape it might help him mentally. Hoping y’all can go on more bike rides together and he can be more active. Thinking about you both. Big hugs and lots of love.
He was a college athlete and used to be very fit but drinking took most of that drive. We still get out for miles long walks on our days off and bike rides when we can but that doesn’t touch his beer belly.
Ah Emilie I just have no words but want you to know that i’m thinking of you and hoping that things get better for the both of you.
Much love my friend
Thanks Jazz. Writing it out helps. Only he can effect change but it would be nice if he would. Alcohol sucks.
Ain’t that the truth. Glad you were able to release your frustrations here with us.
Thanks for listening. Today I’ll take it as a great reminder to stay sober. 
Good you let ot out! Sending hugs and strength to you Emilie
I can relate to the wish to shake him. It’s heartbreaking and frustrating at the same time to see the necessary changes and your partner does not act and stays miserable. He is a lucky man to have your love. I hope it gets better
Thank you. I have faith that it will get better but it is so much more noticeable now that I’m sober. I’m grateful for this community so I can talk it out and be heard. I can only control my path though so I will keep trying to lead by example.
I defo agree w this. 
Yet I also think additionally I’d do the shaking and saying look here, from my perspective, if you wanna get better, this want needs to happen, get sober and change your job.
It’s obvs up to him what he does, even if you say sth. Does he ever ask for your advice? Does he think about changing either of these things but just not ready? Or really no clue what to do?
He knows that my route would make his life better. He sees that my body and mind are both way healthier since getting sober and he acknowledges how proud he is.
I didn’t quit drinking until he told me he was worried about me so I think you are right about this. A conversation needs to happen. I’ve tried to troubleshoot his drunken sadness mainly around the huge drunken elephant that is his drinking. “Lets ride bikes tomorrow, the fear of death is normal, I think you should find a new job, etc.”
I think it really boils down to a sadness around aging and his life’s trajectory in general, with drinking as the main release for sadness. We had a conversation a while ago where he mentioned that he regrets me not meeting him when he was playing sports because he was really good at that. He doesn’t feel good at things because he (might) feel that his purpose is behind him. I think he is lacking purpose and joy most days. Heck maybe he has always been this way and I was just too drunk to know.
I just want to vent a bit. Last night my mum sent through a message quite late for her (at 9pm) asking whether the kids and I would like to come visit for her birthday this Sunday. As it’s a holiday Monday I said we could probably manage but that we’d discuss the details today.
I got a call mid afternoon from my dad saying he didn’t feel prepared for such a visit and that my mum hadn’t discussed it with him first before asking me. They live in a house with two living room areas and I think they are often separate in the evening, each with their alcoholic beverages to hand.
I’ve often had the experience that an evening phone conversation with my mum would be forgotten the next day so I generally ignore any messages that late but this time I had discussed going to visit them (it would require an overnight stay) with the kids. The kids really don’t have that great a relationship with their grandparents and I feel bad about that.
There’s part of me that just wants to sit side by side with my mum and have a long chat, but there’s a growing awareness that as long as she’s drinking that’s not going to happen. Even when she’s on a break from drinking she’s still very much a dry drunk, and a big part of her drinking is my dad’s drinking, and he’s adamant that he’s a “good drunk” (I beg to differ) and that he’s not going to stop. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just needed to get it off my chest.
that’s really tough @Deelzebub thanks for sharing that part of you that wants to have a long heart to heart with your mother, that’s a beautiful part of you. the part that longs for connection. maybe you could find out when she’s taking a break and since she’ll be a little more clear you might like to ask her if you could chat about something important. there’s a chance it could go even better than you thought, and even if it doesn’t, you won’t know unless you try i feel for you, my dad and his woman drink nearly every day and i wonder sometimes how that will affect their relationship with my son as he gets older, and they get older and more “set in their ways”. that’s another big motivator for me to stay sober, i want to be a positive influence. maybe your folks haven’t thought enough about how their drinking might be affecting the kids. from what you said it’s clear that at least your mother wants to be involved. like i said it won’t hurt to try to discuss it respectfully family is so important and this is very sensitive subject but better to gently communicate than pretend it’s not bothering you. i don’t know all the details of your story so please take what i say with a grain of salt but i just felt the urge to reply because it sounds like a tough situation. wishing you and your family the best, especially the kiddos!!