I just got off the phone with my sister for the first time in months. We don’t talk much lately. We used to be drinking buddies and she is one who can still push my buttons.
She ended up hanging up on me just now. Our conversation devolved very quickly from talks about family to talks about god to her telling me that me not trying to change the world made me lazy and apathetic. She said it, denied it and then apologized for “making me feel bad”. I think the conversation took it’s major downturn when I kept trying to explain that she can’t make me feel a certain way. She also had been drinking.
I was trying to take the “I can only change/control myself” route and she was taking the drunkenly rephrase and repeat route, then follow that with a quick denial and a passive aggressive apology.
I prefer my route. Who knows if we will come together on this because she will remember her side and I will remember mine. All I know is that talking to drunk people, especially drunk people that I love, re-affirms that I am making the right choice in sobriety.
I do kind of feel like I am pruning myself out of the family tree though, and that makes me think that I am part of the problem too. Either way, I will NOT drink about it.
I’m sorry. That’s hurtful and upsetting.
Talking to drunk ( or drinking ) people is never productive. Just what you said. Yes, a great affirmation to not drink, also.
Your route is a good one. I hope you will not feel like you are a part of a problem.
Big hugs.
Thank you. I know I am doing the right thing by standing up for myself but part of me worries I will push everyone away and end up standing on my own.
Sometimes I think that self-awareness is a flaw.
Absolutely not controlling her drinking. Doing what’s best for you. We all are allowed to make these choices…recovering or not. Stay the course, friend.
You know, ever since I got a sponsor and a therapist I been doing so much better. The first thing my sponsor told me was to google YouTube videos on Enabling. Of course my addict brain took it to an addict level by scouring the web about enabling.
It’s so powerful to learn about enabling whether you are dealing with an addict or not. I’ve been getting so much out of it.
Anyway. I found a golden nugget and just want to share it all with anyone who might be interested.
Then I listened to this today. It’s so good. I’ll be listening to it again soon.
No doubt the next meeting I lead will be on enabling. I feel like my world is wide open now.
If your addict is happy with you, you’re probably enabling them. If you’re addict is mad at you, then you’re probably trying to save their life.
So another evening of watching my husband get hammered. I get so mad, but I hold it in. It doesn’t do any good to say anything to him because he doesn’t have a drinking problem. I tell myself over and over that I am only responsible for my choices, but I feel guilty at the same time watching him slowly killing himself and not being able to do anything about it. I am responsible for me… I keep telling myself that.
Check out my post above if you’re willing. It’s a great podcast. If anything his voice is very soothing. It’s a horrible family disease. I too would feel guilty and even worse I felt like the victim. I’ve been dealing with my wife like this for almost 4 years now. It took me a long time to stop being the victim. And I’ve finally learned I don’t have to live like this anymore. Al-Anon.org has some very helpful information on it. May I suggest just starting slowly with a daily reader like Courage To Change. It’s my fave.
I’m always around if you have any questions. I just hate seeing people suffer from this. It’s so hard.
Good for you. I hope you like it. I have it both on my kindle and hard copy. It’s good for any kind of recovery
Edit. I wasn’t reading it this year. But I had to get back to it because it’s so good.
I am just going to brain dump here as I am affected more often than I would like by someone else’s disease.
One of my sponsees relapsed last Sunday, she got honest with me about it on Friday. I got her to a meeting Friday night, she slept all day yesterday then this morning i got her out for some breakfast and to a meeting. She unfortunately picked up on her way home. I am choosing to step aside, I am going to trust my gutt and its telling me that shes not done. She is unwilling to feel anything, and unable to tolerate any amount of discomfort. Obviously her mind will find lots of excuses and ways to get her loaded. I am grateful that I am an addict and that I can see the disease at work. I am grateful for the skills I have at fighting this mother fucker and I am grateful that I am able to share them with people who are ready to fight for their lives.
I am willing to match the effort and time a woman puts into her recovery but I try not to surpass it. I feel like I surpassed in effort this weekend. Grateful for clarity.
By the way. This is a safe place to let it out. This thread is for anyone affected by a loved one who’s an addict.
I use to hold it in too. And then I’d build up this huge resentment. And that would make me almost physically I’ll. Every time I shared here it made the problem just a little bit smaller. Others around here understand and know what it’s like and are most happy to lend their support.
I’ve never thought about the sponsor sponsee relationship. Hell ya! you’re affected by other people’s addiction. Fucken ay! I’m glad you’re aware of that. Did you ever get to an Al-Anon meeting? I think you said you were going to get to one.
Rest easy my twin.
Oh ya. Happy 1400 to you Twinnie
Stepping aside is the right thing to do. It seems you’re putting more effort into her recovery than she is. I know it’s difficult to let go but she knows how to reach you when she’s ready. My heart goes out to you. It hurts when those close to us struggle.
Not yet, I am trying to find one that can fit into my heavy NA meeting schedule and I havent yet. Maybe there will be a time I will be able to lessen my NA meetings but unfortunately now isnt it. I could probably suppliment with online Nar-a-non, Al-a-non virtual meetings. I am sure they air all day, I will look into it. Being in a relationship with an addict even though he hasnt used in 10 years can still be difficult. His character defeats are still alive as he hasnt ever written an honest sets of steps. We are all still learning and I am sure he would benefit from an “a-non” meeting just as much as I would.
I guess last night was Saturday or Sunday……again. He promised to only drink on Saturday or Sunday. I just try to keep quiet. Had to help him out of the hot tub. I just try to keep quiet. I tell MYSELF again and again that this is his choice and I can only fight my addiction, but to him, I just fight to stay quiet. I pray to God every night that he will choose to stop, but to him I just try to stay quiet. Don’t know how long I can stay quiet.
I’ve been driving my mom and her now ex husband around since I was 17 years old because of them both having dui’s. I’m now 32 and she just got a 4th dui after getting her license back. Her alcohol problem has really affected me because it is all that I was around growing up. Over these last few months I really see a problem in drinking and have decided to quit all together, but then my mom will ask for a ride to the bar where I’m trying to stay away from. Then I’m always back to square 1… she knows I want to quit. When I point out this issue to her it is ignored and led to a big fight if I don’t give her a ride. she will not ask someone else either. I’m ready to start living my own life…
She also had been drinking.
you gotta run 
