It’s the day, even mas o menos the correct hour. Three years ago my then ex-husband had no clue what would hit him on this day. We were schedulded at court for something else, he had filed for divorce, the date for it was one month ahead.
My lawyer suggested to me to kill two flies with one hit and spare the money for the divorce court date (which is around 3000 Euro). He claimed to settle the divorce when we had finished the other issue as all was ready and judge and location were the same.
I will never forget my ex’s face and the incredulity and irritation that caused. His lawyer was not prepared for that which didn’t matter. They filed, my lawyer approved, finances excluded for separate settlement, judge closed the divorce. Duration: 5+ minutes.
I guess this was the only revenge and satisfaction I will ever get. Seeing my ex cringe in disbelief and pale of anger, overwhelm and realizing that I turned his game against him because he got what he wanted (the divorce) but not how he wanted it (telling court what a poor victim he is and what a horrible person I am or whatever bullshit). No stage for him, just a result. He and his lawyer were baffled.
To be honest, I still grin grimly and thank my lawyer for this hillarious move. I had nothing to win (or loose, as you like to see it) anymore and I prefer a quick, clear cut over waiting for Godot.
Do I still want to know what my ex would have said? Listen to his arguments? Yes. This I put to rest today too. Because I know there would have been nothing new, and even if, it wouldn’t have changed anything then and now even less. Yes, maybe I missed some answers. Regarding the pile that remained unanswered it is irrelevant.
The hard truth I had to learn is, that you must find a closure for yourself, no answers (or lack of) can spare you this. Maybe making it easier to process. Which makes no difference in the long run. In the long run, the love is dead.
So today I declare the rest of love for my ex dead. I’m tired of mimimi, nothing and illusion tripping. Rest in peace, but REST and stop zombie-ing around 
On the positive side - to stop myself from nagging - there are lotsa good things to mention!
I put my wedding ring in a black velvet box and put it to other jewelery I never wear.
I deleted not only my divorce-counter but also the counter since financial settlement on october 7th 2024. Both are outdated, those dates lost their emotional weight and relevance. Time for something new. Tomorrow I’ll start the 3-cats-again-counter, OMG I’m excited and a bit nervous, 2 youngsters in da house again 
I’m deeply impressed how life goes on when you work on letting go what’s not meant for you, no longer serving you, lost it’s purpose, hurts more than it heals, drags you into dark places (physically and emotionally), makes you forget your kind, authentic, caring self.
3 years ago I was a fucking lost mess with years of work ahead on letting go codependency, false pictures of love & caring, disconnected from my genuine soft self.
Today I’m a healthy (well, still convalescent from flu but you get what I mean), happy, emotionally stable, kind & caring person, my authentic ME again (still shedding an old acquired layer here and there). I’m so ME again that I adopted a big dog with no social training from the shelter 9+ months ago 
Because I saw his wonderful character, good heart and knew that I can handle it and I want to handle it. Since then my love has somewhere big to go 
Did I forgive my ex his behaviour? No. I’m not good in forgiving and I mostly see no point in it. I forgave myself for not knowing it better, leaving earlier, clinging onto a marriage where the beerbottle was my husband’s goto for everything. I forgave myself that I tried to do it all alone, make our marriage work, manage 2 households, care for my old mother, pay for everything, organize most of our lifes, run the farm and tried to have a life for myself too. Not to mention that I heartfelt lovingly forgave myself my waiting to be loved, cared, cuddled, shown affection and turned into a raging fury when my ex came home drunk and blew all my hopes and longings for togetherness.
I’m a blessed gal that I never killed him for being a drunk asshole. I definitely prefer a cozy house full of love and comfort to a prison cell shared with strangers and no comfort or cozyness.
So I’m ending this elegy on my broken marriage dreams with gratitude for what I achieved:
- a nice, tidy, organized home full of love and warmth
- peace of heart & soul
- a calm mind
- living at my pace (and go fuck yourself if you try to interfere with it)
- boundaries, oh boy hard inner boundaries to stay away from self-destructive urges
- enough. i have enough. i am enough. not too much, not too little, enough.
- the power to drag myself back on track when i drift off
- the kindness to treat myself with the love and understanding I was wishing so desperately to get from others.
- No more nightmares (at least only every once in a while and not daily, multiple)
- clarity. i found a lot more clarity this year, in general and in some specific issues. i’m very grateful for it because it intensifies my trust in the process.
- joy, smiles & laughter
- a light heart, all that weighted heavy on me I shed and put down over the years. It was not mine to carry.
Have a blessed sober time dear fellows and friends, big hugs to you all 
Whatever is going on in your life: It shall pass too 
Whatever you carry: You are not alone 
Whatever struggles are torturing your body/soul/heart: Keep going, one breath at a time until times change 