Thank you so much Jaz,y 
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Well, I check in here because my 3 year divorce anniversary is coming up. I decided long ago that I will delete this counter then. 3 years is a long time. Enough time for everything.
Being down with the flu for over a week by now, I got time to reflect. I count it as a healing sign that I most times fell asleep after a few minutes.
What is left?
A blurred memory of love and togetherness, a missing and longing for something and someone long gone, long before the divorce. Time to let finally go, making space for new memories to come, whenever, however.
Unanswered questions, most of them became irrelevant to me as I kept going. Time to let them finally go, nothing from then matters anymore.
There is still unhealed hurting, glimpses of wanting to hurt back, codependent urges to be loved by someone who stopped caring long ago. Not much, but it is still there. Time to put it to rest.
My wedding ring, I still keep it in my bedside locker. It is time to put it to rest. I will never wear it again. I loved to wear it, I loved everything it stood for. In theory. In practice, life looked very different.
It was too heavy for me as I tried to carry this marriage alone. My ex prefered to have a relationship with beer. It still breakes my heart, his ignorance, his denial, him doing his way and not working one lousy fuck on the relationship or his real issues. My inability to reach him, to make him see, care, act, do … nope, it doesn’t work that way my dear. And after 3 years he had plenty of time to get himself sorted and make amends. As it didn’t happen, it is time to put all this remains to rest too. I was and still am strong with my boundary of no contact, free from codependent behaviour for 11 months. Time to up this level to no reminiscing.
I will be back for more sorting my thoughts and emotions. Thank you for letting me share 
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Hi @erntedank
Thank you for sharing what you’re going through with your upcoming 3 year anniversary of the divorce. I just wanted to say that your words show incredible strength, resilience, and clear growth from where you describe yourself being at that time 3 years ago. I love hearing about the life you’ve built for yourself. You deserve your peace and independence. Proud of you 
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I have to admit, I’m in this stage some days. Wanting her to care so I can be the one to withhold affection.
Well written @erntedank. I aspire to this clarity and detachment.
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You really have come a long way in these three years. So very proud of you. I know it hasn’t been easy and the majority of the three years there was a lot of back and forth with your ex. So grateful that this chapter will be closed and behind you. Grateful that you are letting the remnants of the past that are still lingering go with ease and making room for new possibilities.
I am looking forward to your new adventures my friend. Sending love and hugs your way. 
I do hope you are feeling better today 
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It’s the day, even mas o menos the correct hour. Three years ago my then ex-husband had no clue what would hit him on this day. We were schedulded at court for something else, he had filed for divorce, the date for it was one month ahead.
My lawyer suggested to me to kill two flies with one hit and spare the money for the divorce court date (which is around 3000 Euro). He claimed to settle the divorce when we had finished the other issue as all was ready and judge and location were the same.
I will never forget my ex’s face and the incredulity and irritation that caused. His lawyer was not prepared for that which didn’t matter. They filed, my lawyer approved, finances excluded for separate settlement, judge closed the divorce. Duration: 5+ minutes.
I guess this was the only revenge and satisfaction I will ever get. Seeing my ex cringe in disbelief and pale of anger, overwhelm and realizing that I turned his game against him because he got what he wanted (the divorce) but not how he wanted it (telling court what a poor victim he is and what a horrible person I am or whatever bullshit). No stage for him, just a result. He and his lawyer were baffled.
To be honest, I still grin grimly and thank my lawyer for this hillarious move. I had nothing to win (or loose, as you like to see it) anymore and I prefer a quick, clear cut over waiting for Godot.
Do I still want to know what my ex would have said? Listen to his arguments? Yes. This I put to rest today too. Because I know there would have been nothing new, and even if, it wouldn’t have changed anything then and now even less. Yes, maybe I missed some answers. Regarding the pile that remained unanswered it is irrelevant.
The hard truth I had to learn is, that you must find a closure for yourself, no answers (or lack of) can spare you this. Maybe making it easier to process. Which makes no difference in the long run. In the long run, the love is dead.
So today I declare the rest of love for my ex dead. I’m tired of mimimi, nothing and illusion tripping. Rest in peace, but REST and stop zombie-ing around 
On the positive side - to stop myself from nagging - there are lotsa good things to mention!
I put my wedding ring in a black velvet box and put it to other jewelery I never wear.
I deleted not only my divorce-counter but also the counter since financial settlement on october 7th 2024. Both are outdated, those dates lost their emotional weight and relevance. Time for something new. Tomorrow I’ll start the 3-cats-again-counter, OMG I’m excited and a bit nervous, 2 youngsters in da house again 
I’m deeply impressed how life goes on when you work on letting go what’s not meant for you, no longer serving you, lost it’s purpose, hurts more than it heals, drags you into dark places (physically and emotionally), makes you forget your kind, authentic, caring self.
3 years ago I was a fucking lost mess with years of work ahead on letting go codependency, false pictures of love & caring, disconnected from my genuine soft self.
Today I’m a healthy (well, still convalescent from flu but you get what I mean), happy, emotionally stable, kind & caring person, my authentic ME again (still shedding an old acquired layer here and there). I’m so ME again that I adopted a big dog with no social training from the shelter 9+ months ago 
Because I saw his wonderful character, good heart and knew that I can handle it and I want to handle it. Since then my love has somewhere big to go 
Did I forgive my ex his behaviour? No. I’m not good in forgiving and I mostly see no point in it. I forgave myself for not knowing it better, leaving earlier, clinging onto a marriage where the beerbottle was my husband’s goto for everything. I forgave myself that I tried to do it all alone, make our marriage work, manage 2 households, care for my old mother, pay for everything, organize most of our lifes, run the farm and tried to have a life for myself too. Not to mention that I heartfelt lovingly forgave myself my waiting to be loved, cared, cuddled, shown affection and turned into a raging fury when my ex came home drunk and blew all my hopes and longings for togetherness.
I’m a blessed gal that I never killed him for being a drunk asshole. I definitely prefer a cozy house full of love and comfort to a prison cell shared with strangers and no comfort or cozyness.
So I’m ending this elegy on my broken marriage dreams with gratitude for what I achieved:
- a nice, tidy, organized home full of love and warmth
- peace of heart & soul
- a calm mind
- living at my pace (and go fuck yourself if you try to interfere with it)
- boundaries, oh boy hard inner boundaries to stay away from self-destructive urges
- enough. i have enough. i am enough. not too much, not too little, enough.
- the power to drag myself back on track when i drift off
- the kindness to treat myself with the love and understanding I was wishing so desperately to get from others.
- No more nightmares (at least only every once in a while and not daily, multiple)
- clarity. i found a lot more clarity this year, in general and in some specific issues. i’m very grateful for it because it intensifies my trust in the process.
- joy, smiles & laughter
- a light heart, all that weighted heavy on me I shed and put down over the years. It was not mine to carry.
Have a blessed sober time dear fellows and friends, big hugs to you all
Whatever is going on in your life: It shall pass too
Whatever you carry: You are not alone
Whatever struggles are torturing your body/soul/heart: Keep going, one breath at a time until times change 
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Too tired to write down all my thoughts in detail. Just wanted to let you know how truly awesome you are. Look at all those fantastic things you made happen for yourself… Just you! 
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HAPPY 3 year anniversary on this timer my friend– you absolutely rock and have come such a long way! So incredibly proud of you and happy to be a part of your journey.
This was awesome and so happy that he did not have the chance to drag out the divorce or make you feel crappier in the process. Way to go mr. lawyer man - good call!
WOW - how powerful is that - so impressed with your growth and finding your individuality. Love this for you! Love that you are letting things go and making room for new love, new life and new adventures!
I can’t even love this enough! Made me so happy to read
Very excited for you and your fur family. Looking forward to pics - lots of pics and oh the stories of your adventures. Much love to you my dear friend. So happy for your
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This is gold. Congratulations on changing your life when you felt the need. Your leadership is inspirational here.
This is also gold, and it makes me smile.
You’re doing great. Thanks for sharing it all with us. 
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Am I right in thinking you are getting two kittens/cats tomorrow?? Wheeellppppp! Exciting!
This all reads beautifully, you are a class act, and a woman of distinction.
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Thank you all so much for your support, for your kind words, for being here
Yes, I started a new timer today.
The fluffballs are a bit shy and stay in the reading room to accomodate. Missi, Bruno and I stay with them for some time and leave them alone afterwards so they are not overwhelmed
Best spot is safe under the sofa atm 
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This made my evening. I’m so glad for you! All of your hard work pays off!! Congrats!
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Who are the new handsome fluff balls? You sure like them hairy and fluffy. Names yet?
Theylook like big fluffy slippers 
I love them. Can’t wait to see them around. What a great Christmas gift for you and them.
How old are they?
Have a magical Christmas with your new family
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I love that this thread is here. I’m on my recovery journey from alcohol and my husband is still a drinker. Does sporadic things like calling out of work to go party, looking forward to events to drink, getting black out drunk (not all the time) but with others sometimes. If I need to vent, feel alone (I’ve realized my sobriety is isolating especially with him “cutting back”), I will definitely be coming here. His actions have always been louder than words. He has said he won’t keep alcohol in the house for my recovery. We will see!
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Have a good read Addeline.
My wife put me through the wringer when I got sober. We were drinking buddies forever. She never ask for this. But Al-Anon and this thread has help me get through a lot of stuff.
One thing I keep going back too. If I’m focusing on her drinking. I not focusing on my recovery. And the only person’s inventory I should be taking is my own.
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Thank you! My husband is more sporadic, he can have a few drinks & be fine or it can end up being a crazy black out drunk night. It feels unstable, but so was my drinking ! We spent a lot of time drinking, it seems like it was almost a piece of our foundation it was so involved in our relationship from the beginning.
I am trying hard in my life right now to focus primarily on me, not just in sobriety, but in totality! I can’t control others, only my response & myself. I have spent so much of my life trying to control to protect myself & at the end of the day life is life . It’s not always going to fair, people are going to hurt you, etc, it is what we do (if we do) respond to that that counts for us .
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It took me a long time to learn I can break away from my wife, and say…..go to the beach alone. And have fun. It took a while. I’d feel guilty about leaving her behind and worry about when I “should” get home. And I took it personal that she would rather stay home and drink instead of being with me at the beach. That wasn’t the case at all. She’s sober now. And she still doesn’t want to go to the beach 
I think she just doesn’t like the beach 
I’ve learned to enjoy myself at the beach. And not worry about coming home. It took awhile but unlearning old behaviors takes awhile.
Nope. We can’t control people places or things.
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Just here to vent a bit
I’m newly sober, 16 days, my husband isn’t quitting. He did tell me, to support me, he wouldn’t keep alcohol in the house and would drink in social settings only (& just a few drinks). Last night was NYE, he stopped to the store to get himself “champagne” and came back with that and a large bottle of whiskey. I am the kind of person that holds people to their words (I’ve mentioned on here his actions have always been louder than his words). He did say and did gift the whiskey bottle to our neighbors (after drinking some of it) & now there is an unopened bottle of champagne in our fridge 
It is tempting at times to still drink. I don’t want to have a fuck it moment ever & risk everything I have been building. I also just feel unimportant (but that is a marital issue and pattern this group isn’t really for). I know it was NYE, I just don’t want this to be “it’s NYE” but then continue
Trying to just focus on my sobriety & all of the good things I am doing. But it still hurts to be told one thing & here is another (again)
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I’m so sorry love. You should have the expectation that he would be true to his word. Sure. It was New Year’s Eve but then there’s the next big thing or holiday or celebration. There’s always an excuse. That’s what we addicts are good at creating.
You would be in every right to dump the rest of that champagne out. No need to create triggers or situations where you can have a fuck it moment in your own safe environment.
It’s not easy when one partner is drinking and the other isn’t… I hope that you are able to create some boundaries and he is able to respect em. Wishing you love and strength and we are here to listen and help in any way we can… hopefully the vent helped
I hear Al-Anon meetings are also a great way to figure out how to deal with such situations. A huge congrats on your 16 days!!!
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I do think he has issues with alcohol too. I had kicked him out at one point where alcohol was the baseline of some other issues & he went to celebration recovery & stopped drinking. However, I didn’t stop and he eventually picked it back up.
Oh my goodness if I poured it out his soul would leave his body!!! But boy do I want to😂 So true about always the next thing ~ especially where I live in New Orleans. Drinking is the culture🤦🏼♀️ we have issues with boundaries and respect, unfortunately I don’t see him respecting me & my sobriety or supporting me the way he offered to. It just hurts.
The vent and support absolutely helps! Thank you so much!!!
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