Safe travels, Eric.
Wow, how nice of her to suggest a meditation.
Be kind to yourself my friend. Take it one minute at a time if needed. Before you know it, you’ll be sitting in that meeting and that heavy load will be lifted. 
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Thank you so much for your kind words ladies. 
@Lisa07
@erntedank
Yes it was very nice of her to recommend a meditation. And I made sure I thanked her.
These feelings just came out of nowhere. I was doing fine earlier.
Anyway… we walked together we chit chatted about nothing but we were mostly quiet. I feel we’ve had enough conversation about the dang elephant for a week.
Thanks again.
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So it’s been three weeks since my birthday when my parents chose to go to the pub rather than have some of the birthday cake I’d spent the day making. @Dazercat , you said at the time how hurtful that was of them, and although I could see how rude it was of them I really couldn’t connect with the feeling of “hurt”. Well, I’ve just woken from a vivid dream that was full of feelings of hurt towards my parents for their drinking and their behaviour while drinking. It’s like I have developed a three week buffer for my emotions.
The night before my birthday my dad and I had been chatting in front of my daughter. When she and I went to bed she asked me why grandad was being so rude to me. It took me aback because of course I had heard his tone and everything he had said but I hadn’t cottoned on to it being rude. I was still somehow taking responsibility for the nature of the conversation myself. Three weeks later I’m now seeing more clearly how absurd the conversation was and how much it was orchestrated by my dad. I had been telling him about a lovely cafe I’d taken the kids to which had a large selection of gluten free pastries as the owner has issues with gluten. My dad then went on at length about people being gluten free just for attention.
There’s always been this thing in our family that my mum is difficult when she’s drunk but that my dad is a good drunk, but he really isn’t. He’s just not as bad as my mum.
Anyway, it’s not often that I have to spend time with them nowadays but I still find myself processing all these years of living under the shadow of parental alcoholism.
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I’m sorry I didn’t see this till now. Glad your meetings are lined up. Hope you will feel the comfort, understanding and fellowship of the groups.
With the mourning, I hope you can add “Hope” for a change in there. Hoping can lead to ( more ) disappointment, but you already have that.
We never know what’s going to happen.
I’m hoping that one day she will be able to step away from alcohol just like you did.
In the meantime you in surrender and serenity sounds good.
Fingers crossed. For her sobriety.
Big hugs.
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Hugs @Deelzebub … you’re a tremendously strong woman and a good role model for your children.
Reading it I thought what a bunch of crappy stuff you’ve had to put up with.
Them not coming back for the birthday cake was atrocious. Just glad you see it for what it is and can escape or rise above some of the hurt. Hugs.
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Such a good reading for me today in
Todays Hope
Time for me to really let go of the trauma from over ten days ago.
Fear vs. Fact
Sometimes, when I am worried about something, and don’t have all of the information to negate my feelings, I begin to operate on fear instead of fact.
I allow my anxiety to fuel this fear and soon, I am working through every outcome I can imagine hoping that in some way, I will be better prepared when I do know what is going on.
But the truth is… I am not becoming better prepared each moment I spend obsessing on a fantasy. All I’m really choosing to do is mentally spin my wheels, and waste my time, and a perfectly good day, ruminating on outcomes that may never come to pass on a fear… that may not even exist.
I must make a conscience effort each day to wait for facts before allowing fear to take over.
It’s really hard for me to let go of trauma and when it might happen again. Maybe next time I can let it go sooner. Maybe not. But, just for today and probably tomorrow, I cannot control my future.
#fuckfear
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From Today’s Hope.
It’s funny. Not funny. How fear always pops up in my recoveries.
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One of my sponsees goes to Nar-a-Non. I went to do step work with her the other morning and she had to read this to me because it had really struck a chord with her. I thought I would share…
It doesnt matter how much we are loved while we are in the clutches of active addiction. We have no choice and that can be so hard on our loved ones. I have to accept everyday that my behavior was not my own during those days.
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I just thought I’d share one of my readings from Todays Hope. I’m really tired of all this recovery. It’s hard. It’s sad. But I have to keep going forward. Maybe this week is baby steps. Or I’ll fake it til I make it. I know I’ll figure it out. Whatever “it” is. And I know I can keep turning it over to God.
Anyway……. I thought this was a great read
Letting Go of Those Not in Recovery
We can go forward with our life and recoveries, even though someone we love is not yet recovering.
Picture a bridge. On one side of the bridge it is cold and dark. We stood there with others in the cold and darkness, doubled over in pain. Some of us developed an eating disorder to cope with the pain. Some drank; some used other drugs. Some of us lost control of our sexual behavior. Some of us obsessively focused on addicted people’s pain to distract us from our own pain. Many of us did both: we developed an addictive behavior, and distracted ourselves by focusing on other addicted people. We did not know there was a bridge. We thought we were trapped on a cliff.
Then, some of us got lucky. Our eyes opened, by the Grace of God, because it was time. We saw the bridge. People told us what was on the other side: warmth, light, and healing from our pain. We could barely glimpse or imagine this, but we decided to start the trek across the bridge anyway.
We tried to convince the people around us on the cliff that there was a bridge to a better place, but they wouldn’t listen. They couldn’t see it; they couldn’t believe. They were not ready for the journey. We decided to go alone, because we believed, and because people on the other side were cheering us onward. The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see, and feel, that what we had been promised was real. There was light, warmth, healing, and love. The other side was a better place.
But now, there is a bridge between those on the other side and us. Sometimes, we may be tempted to go back and drag them over with us, but it cannot be done. No one can be dragged or forced across this bridge. Each person must go at his or her own choice, when the time is right. Some will come; some will stay on the other side. The choice is not ours.
We can love them. We can wave to them. We can holler back and forth. We can cheer them on, as others have cheered and encouraged us. But we cannot make them come over with us.
If our time has come to cross the bridge, or if we have already crossed and are standing in the light and warmth, we do not have to feel guilty. It is where we are meant to be. We do not have to go back to the dark cliff because another’s time has not yet come.
The best thing we can do is stay in the light, because it reassures others that there is a better place. And if others ever do decide to cross the bridge, we will be there to cheer them on.
Today, I will move forward with my life, despite what others are doing or not doing. I will know it is my right to cross the bridge to a better life, even if I must leave others behind to do that. I will not feel guilty. I will not feel ashamed. I know that where I am now is a better place and where I’m meant to be.
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My father and oldest brothers are alcoholics. I had to cut them out recently because they always push drinking on me, and can never do anything family involved without drinking.
It hurts me cause I honestly love all my family and spending time with them, but as apart of recovery I need to stay completely away from alcohol which means people who drink regularly … so sadly I gotta keep my distance from my own father and oldest brother right now. They’re still in the denial stage of their drinking, so even if I told them to join me on a sobriety journey they will excuse it and go slam back excessive amounts of alcohol.
I haven’t seen my dad or brother completely sober since I was a kid.
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That’s really sad.
I understand protecting your sobriety at all cost. It’s what we got to do. Especially early on. Hopefully it won’t always be that way.
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Thanks for the support. I try not to get my expectations up anymore, I’ve been in this journey for a long time, and I’ve come to acceptance that at the end of the day sometimes it’s me , myself , and I. I still love my family, but it’s for the better and I hope I can set an example for them, even though they’re older then me.
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I swear I was just reading this in my recovery work this morning.
I need to remember this constantly with my addicted loved ones.
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THIS ! This relates so much to my last relapse, and I live by this now . Thank you, I’m saving this to my phone. 
God bless you.
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I can feel you although I am not going through what is your everyday life. It’s soo hard to realise that you are in the middle of some sort of plateau (which duration you don’t know and what will come next), the question and inner yelling: fuuuuck, is that it? You are strong and it’s fascinating to witness your compassion you obviously have for your wife. Allow yourself some tiredness. Be tired, rest. You deserve a rest.
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Thanks for your support and your timing Franzi. You gave me a nice boost for the day.
This too shall pass. Right? Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But I’m learning to feel the sadness. It’s better than resentment and hate towards my wife. So I got that going for me. It’s just all so different. I was so good at being resentful. 
But I’m honestly not feeling that. Today anyway.
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Amen
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It’s hard to keep track in Al-Anon because I probably relapse every day. Fuck. Every hour. But I’m proud to say and to have been going to at least 2 sometimes 3 meetings a week for the last ten months.
It’s still a Twelve Step program and the only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.
And double the benefits because this program keeps me sober. Especially when I live with this cunning a baffling motherfucker of a disease.
Like any other Twelve Step program, it works if you work it. And your worth it. 
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Congrats on your 10 months.
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