It’s been my experience the more emotionally invested I am in a situation the more difficult it is to apply what I have learned in recovery to said situation. It’s almost as if I feel I get a hall pass if I love the person. I have to often redirect my thinking around the way I approach situations with my child and my parents where if it had been anyone else there would have been no issue. I don’t think you are a hypocrite at all. I think you are just very emotionally tied to the situation and a lot of us if not all of us would be feeling the same.
How you doing @Daphnecat
Forgiveness? With a partner that drinks? I’ve never thought about having to forgive her. My wife. My alcoholic. Resentment rears it’s ugly head every once and awhile. But I’m better about my feelings of resentment now. I once ran an Al-Anon meeting and my topic was resentment. I made my notes and prepared all week. When I got there I had forgotten my notes I could hear God laughing and at the same time telling me “you got this.” And I did have it. I just had to go with my heart. I guess I’m so use to my wife. And we drank together 38 years. She didn’t know I was going to do this. Get sober. Of course we had talked about it many times. But we never thought I’d do this. She’s my great reminder I don’t want to go back to that ever. I call her a harmless drunk. I’m safe and I’m ok. I pray you are safe. I cannot imagine what you are going through. My wife just passes out asleep. Like right now. I get plenty of alone time. And frankly getting use to it and enjoy it. And I’m very grateful for the time we have together when she’s not drinking. But after 2 she’s pretty much always drinking. I guess I’m so use to it I don’t take it personal now and forgiveness is not in my equation.
I didn’t want that to be a long run on post. But……
Like tonight. I get these strange feelings. Like I can’t wait for her to just fall asleep on the couch. When will she fall asleep. It’s pretty predictable. She had a cocktail at dinner after wine in the afternoon. And I thought. Hmmm then when she ordered the second cocktail I was almost like relieved. Because now I know it’s going to be a short night. I can plan my night. She’ll get the cat chores done and fall asleep by 8:15. And I don’t have to deal with her. And I get to do what I want. I like that almost better than when she doesn’t drink as much and I have to guess, if she’ll be up long or not. It’s strange. Like, I even enjoy going to bed alone. With some cats and dogs of course.
On the nights she comes to bed the same time I do I feel uncomfortable. Like what the hell are you doing? It might not be the perfect loving marriage but it’s our marriage. And at 62 I’ve accepted it. And it’s easier. I know she loves me. Unfortunately I feel bad because I can only say. I’m pretty sure I love her. We make a great team and all. We built this incredible life we have been blessed to live. And beautiful grown up recovered children. So yes. I love her. It could be better. It could be worse. I could certainly make it worse. All in all. Truthfully. I’m good.
@erntedank nothing to correct with your post up above. You nailed it. You earned an extra cuddle With old Tiglat. Purrfect.
I hope things are going well enough with your other half.
Good Bless us all.
I am doing good! I am throwing myself into work this weekend and staying away from him on purpose. He is expressing remorse, at least and knows he screwed up. We still have not seen each other since he has been out of town, so we have not really talked.
I can understand the wanting her to drink and pass out! I have also felt secret relief when he makes another whisky drink and I know he will pass out.
Then I can paint or watch whatever on tv without being bothered.
I know this isn’t the gratitude thread. But it’s been my strongest tool in sobriety and Al-Anon.
I’m grateful we both watched and hated the movie we watched, ALL of, last night. And we kept rolling eyes at each other. And complaining about it together
I’m grateful we had a fun walk with the dogs this weekend and 2 nice dinners out that we complained about to each other.
I’m grateful we both liked the Rams and enjoyed the Super Bowl together. I grateful we both love football Sundays.
Thanks for bringing up gratitude here @Dazercat
I recently thought about posting here things I like with my husband because it’s nice when we both don’t drink and have a good time. Kind of a vague idea to create some comparision to re-read later as reminder when times feel rocky and moods are crabby
I also sometimes feel not comfortable to overload the gratitude thread with partner issues
Hi Guys. I’m having a really hard time with my partner. He has a lot going on at the moment, and day by day I am watching him sink lower into an alcohol infused stupor. I don’t know how to help him, he is getting to a point where he is going under and doesn’t want the help. It is straining our relationship and he knows this, though he is currently unable to, or doesn’t want to make any changes. I can’t walk away as he has been my rock during some very hard times. But I don’t know what to do, how to help him. And meanwhile I am left questioning my life and how I want my life to look like, and I know this is not what I want.
I’m completely torn. We have the same conversations all the time and I’m so tired of it as nothing ever changes. I feel like I’m preaching and this is not the person I want to be. Im so sad to see this happen to my best friend.
Alcohol and addiction has a lot to answer for. I wish they would just piss off and leave him alone!
This sucks. Your partner does not seem to want or be able to utilise the help you are offering and at some point you gotta ask yourself if you’re maybe enabling his helplessness. And why you are with this person? There also seems to be this dynamic going on that you can’t make a decision or take some space because he’s been there for you in the past. I don’t think this is fair on you. And I don’t think that continuing to let him not feel consequences of his drinking is “being there for him” either, not really, not where it counts. Additionally, you can be there for him without getting trampled under his problems. It’s a mental thing. Have you looked into al-anon or read some books on codependency? I can recommend Codependent no more by someone Beattie.
Hi Amalia. That is such a difficult position to be in. It’s not the same as my story currently. But I was in that situation with my daughter a very long time ago. I couldn’t just walk away from my daughter. I finally went to Al-Anon because my life was totally unmanageable. All I thought about 24 hours a day was about my addict child. It ran my life completely.
I had to stop the madness and start to take care of myself. And Al-Anon help me a lot with that. And I wasn’t alone. That helped a lot too. It’s also interesting to see a lot of addicts in Al-Anon meetings. https://www.al-anon.org.au/meetings
I’m glad you came here and posted. It’s always been helpful to me to share my problems with others. I think it’s most important that we be able to take care of ourselves first. Get clarity of what’s going on. Detach with love. Not easy sometimes. And put it in Gods hands.
I’m sorry you’re going through this @Mali. I feel your pain. My husband is an alcoholic and continued drinking when I got sober. It was destroying him and our relationship. I tried everything to convince him to get sober but nothing worked. His doctor, who also got sober, tried too. Watching his health deteriorate was killing me. I couldn’t walk away even after giving an ultimatum a year into my sobriety. All I could do was lead by example. I was lucky though, he found sobriety (after a few stumbles) about 3 months before I hit 2 years sober. My daughter and I suffered a lot of emotional pain during that time. I probably could have benefited from al-anon but I never went. Instead, I leaned on this forum and my AA meetings to get through it. I’m here for you, please don’t hesitate to PM me.
Pretty much my whole entire family and the majority of my friends. Back in Florida it felt like I was trying to maintain my habit and I was paying for other people, trying to save myself and save everyone else,. Also very enabled as long as my family or friends were doing good money was being thrown at me left and right. You don’t have a problem. You don’t have a problem? … but things kept happening, hospital visits, horrible withdrawals every morning, I just realize now that I have to save myself. The next few years are going to be tough and there is no doubt that I’m going to lose people. But I can’t play games anymore. Possibly by setting the example and literally flying 2000 miles away to put some space. Maybe it forces My family and friends to take a look at their own life. I sadly had to tell my mom the other day that she was affecting my sobriety. But I don’t want money or need money. And then I’m not ready to go back to Florida. Life is weird
I have my whole entire family blocked right now Except my brother… Because this is my life. And it has become life and death. I can only explain that so much. I hope this doesn’t offend anybody but this is what I have to do. And it really sucks… What’s sad is I feel like I’m going to have to leave a lot of people behind and it’s already happening. Like I’m just gonna go right past them towards the future. Everyone else is headed towards the grave/ And I cannot be around anything that makes me go backwards. Borrowed time is an understatement
My brother went to Colorado
I went to Tucson ( no water , rain , beaches , grass , clouds , hurricanes ) aka where am I ?
We’re leaving a lot of people behind but it’s just what we have to do
PS. Sorry if I’m in the wrong thread. I feel bad even talking about this because I’m Alcoholic and addict myself.
If you are affected by loved ones that are addicts then you’re in the right thread. It’s hard to imagine anyone not being affected by a loved one that’s an addict. Or was an addict.
I feel there comes a point where we have to protect our sobriety at all costs. It’s like we found this valuable gift finally, and I know I don’t want to loose it.
Thank you for your reply @Faugxh@Dazercat@Lisa07. I’ve literally been too exhausted to talk about it, it really is an all consuming position to be in.
My partner needs help and he knows it. He actually had a fall Sunday night after drinking 2.5 bottles of vodka. He told me yesterday morning that he needs me right now, and I will be there for him if he makes an honest effort.
He stayed over last night, he looked like shit and the conversation was minimal but he didn’t drink and he’s coming back tonight as well. As Lisa said, I intend to lead by example now, and I’m going to stick strong to my boundaries to keep me safe, but also so I am not enabling him. He has to move out by the end of the month and we’d talked about him moving in. This would be good for him, get him back on track. He can’t get drunk here and he knows it. It’s going to be hard for both of us as we are both used to our own space, and I, in particular, like the bed to my self🤣, but it’s a temporary set up until his house is built.
I love my sober partner and I really don’t like my drunk partner so I’m really hoping I can help him through this stage of his life. He is 53 this year, so he really needs to take his health seriously, and I will stand by him if he makes the effort. Sober him is worth it.
Thank you all for your support, I’m 99 days sober today and feeling great. I couldn’t have done it without TS.
I’m off for a skate to celebrate now, I hope you all have a great day 🛼
Leading by example
Boundaries
Not enabling him
That’s a good plan.
And you keep focusing on your sobriety not his drinking
Might as well add in ODAAT. Couldn’t hurt.
Good job.
Enjoy your skate.
And keep focusing on my sobriety, not his drinking. This is an interesting point, and one that I have trouble with. Because even the smell of it on him triggers a negative emotion in me. And if he is drunk? Well then I feel repulsed by him. So how do I look past these things when it does effect me, and our relationship? All I know is that I have to be tough with my boundaries around drinking. Obviously he will want to drink still so I have to be prepared for that. We haven’t discussed these things yet, but we will need to soon. Hopefully come up with something that we are both comfortable with.
I respectfully recommend: Make clear arrangements and set up consequences on more than drinking behaviour BEFORE he moves in. Write it down together and be capable of drawing the agreed consequences.
You are both better off knowing what you expect from yourselfs, each other and the new living situation. Call it houserules if you want. I like that term and we have houserules on many things. Allthough they are sometimes interpreted softly
Hi @erntedank and thank you for your suggestion. I 100% agree. This will not have a chance to work without some sound house rules. He has had 2 sober nights with me now which have been hard for him, so I’m really proud that he is trying. I think I’ll tackle the house rules over the weekend when he doesn’t have so many work worries on his mind. Thank you for your advice
I could hear God laughing and at the same time telling me “you got this.” And I did have it. I just had to go with my heart. I guess I’m so use to my wife. And we drank together 38 years. She didn’t know I was going to do this. Get sober. Of course we had talked about it many times. But we never thought I’d do this. She’s my great reminder I don’t want to go back to that ever. I call her a harmless drunk. I’m safe and I’m ok. I pray you are safe. I cannot imagine what you are going through. My wife just passes out asleep. Like right now. I get plenty of alone time. And frankly getting use to it and enjoy it. And I’m very grateful for the time we have together when she’s not drinking. But after 2 she’s pretty much always drinking. I guess I’m so use to it I don’t take it personal now and forgiveness is not in my equation.
then when she ordered the second cocktail I was almost like relieved. Because now I know it’s going to be a short night. I can plan my night. She’ll get the cat chores done and fall asleep by 8:15. And I don’t have to deal with her. And I get to do what I want. I like that almost better than when she doesn’t drink as much and I have to guess, if she’ll be up long or not. It’s strange. Like, I even enjoy going to bed alone. With some cats and dogs of course. 
