I need to rant: What the fuck is wrong with my oh everyone is sooo bäh to me husband who celebrates pitty party with beer (at lunchtime ) because
he did not call to make sure a colleague comes over to assist today (colleague did not come because nobody called)
the tractor wouldn’t start (ähm yeah, it’s shitty cold and it is old)
there’s no start-help-spray in the house (I know it is somewhere burried in the chaos, he is just mimimi and not searching for it)
he has to drive off and buy some
and for all the above reasons he is poor and people are nasty and instead of searching and hiring one competent person to show up on a regular basis he will continue to blablabla …
I want to put this never ending mimimi blabla pity party in a bag and burn it
End of rant. Now feeling better.
Just feeling annoyed today, so I am venting here. Husband has been drinking much less lately, so that is good. Yesterday he went out and got hammered. I picked him up and bought him food, which he would not eat. He got super mad at me for no reason, basically just one of those start a fight drunk things. I was being very nice to him,and not saying anything negative at all. Not a word about drinking at all. I just locked myself in another room until he was done raging. Now this morning he does not remember a thing and wonders why I am annoyed.
I have been the drunk person in this situation many times. But when I do it, he acts like I murdered his whole family and he won’t forgive me. He will bring it up at random times in front of other people to make fun of me.
I can’t win. He is miserable trying to cut back drinking and is just being an asshole. I am staying sober and will just work more, I guess.
Oh boy, do I have a situation I’d love to vent about.
For context I am in very early recovery. I have 20 days clean from cocaine & crack. So I try my absolute hardest to avoid my younger sister. Her DOC is heroine, but she also does cocaine/crack upon occasion & I am just no longer interested in the lifestyle she leads. If she needs me I will pick up the phone & be a listening ear. But I am not going to enable or risk my clean time for anyone else.
So her and her boyfriend were kicked out of their house (removed by police.) The officer offered to drop them off somewhere since they had to take all of their things as well. They asked to be dropped off at my house around 10:30-11:00 PM. I was asleep when I got a knock at my door, only to find them in T-Shirts with a decent amount of trash bags filled with their things.
They said they could go to a friend’s house up the street they were just waiting for a response about a ride. I said they could stay for 30-60 minutes but after that I needed to go to bed.
They proceeded to start using in my living room. I told them to stop & then her boyfriend went in the bathroom to do my DOC. He got called out on it and left the bathroom.
He started calling me names, accused me of taking money he never had, brought up a terrible situation that happened to my sister and I in the past (Trigger Warning: when my ex took advantage of my 14 year old sister) when there was absolutely no reason for him to bring that up.
The last straw was when he started throwing my sisters things and knocked my snake tanks onto the floor. I lost it at that point and they were out.
I attempt to handle situations like that with love - I know drugs alter the mind. They are great people without the drugs. But they are being consumed and destroyed by them and its sad. This is my youngest sister, and I’ve known her boyfriend since he was around 8 years old.
Thanks y’all for writing in. @Daphnecat@Chikai
I’ve been meaning to write on here but after my gratitude thread in the morning I feel kinda spent. Seeing your messages is just the nudge.
That situation really sucks with your younger sister Chikai. Keep trying your best not to enable them and detach with love. I’m glad you shared.
And you to Daphne we just got to keep working on ourselves. I find myself struggling to the past couple of days.
So, it’s been awhile since I posted on here.
I find myself more and more enjoying my time alone with out my wife. And it seems to be getting worse. When I’m out walking or exercising or errands I dread coming home. I dreaded Sunday brunch all morning because I knew the wine would start flowing. I’m trying real hard not to focus on her drinking but I feel like I’m failing on that. Yesterday. And today anyway. We still make a great team. She does her share around here. But I am starting to feel or care less and less for or about her. I just feel sad and lonely and a little depressed for me. And I just want to cry.
We or I got a lot going on. Just moved out of my Cali condo. And it’s a bit of a shock I really loved that place. And we’ll never be going back in the same way we use to. I really loved it there. Our goal was to get rid of the 8 hour drive and we succeeded. We really couldn’t afford to live in Cali where we wanted to live in Cali. So life changes. Big life changes. So that’s adding another layer of stress and emotions. And coming home to the same Ol same Ol drinking wife has me down. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I had so much fun in Cali alone without her.
I’ve been reading my daily One Day At A Time In Al-Anon. And I’m still reading Codependent No More. And everything today was about going to a meeting.
Frankly I don’t want to go to a meeting.
I don’t want to tell my wife I’m going to a meeting. To take care of myself. (Because you’re always drinking) I wouldn’t say that part.
And truthfully I don’t want to tell her: I don’t want to be around you, and I dread coming home, because let’s face it. That could really hurt someone’s feelings. But I also know I got to think about my feelings. And I cannot continue to be sad and depressed and withdrawn from her. I know me. And I know I’ll work this out.
I did Google, for the first time Al-Anon meetings in my area. And I found a couple or 3. But I don’t want to go. I’m capable of going. I’ve done it before. But I am just hoping this too will pass and I’ll get over it. There’s actually a mens group meeting on Monday nights. That’s terrifying . I’ve never really been part of a mens group. I always feel more comfortable around woman. I’m not going tonight. But if I’m still feeling like this for the rest of the week I hope I will go next Monday. Or at least talk to her and tell her I got to go to a meeting. After all. If nothing changes.
Nothing changes.
And I don’t want to feel like this anymore.
I got a lot of emotions all over the place. Let’s see what the week brings. Plus the old cat and old dog are requiring more attention. We got some issues we are dealing with there. So there’s feelings all over the place.
ODAAT.
Thank you for starting this! My cousin who I love dearly was addicted to heroin, cocaine and pain killers. I was always there for him. I fed him, bought him clothes, helped him with a car, was there when he needed to vent or just needed a hug. But I would never give him money nor let him stay with me overnight. He knew that was where I set my boundaries with him. I had little kids and could not risk them finding something he left or having him steal from us. When his father passed away, my cousin sold everything from the house. All of those family heirlooms, my uncle’s prized coin collection, antique beer steins from all over the world…gone. My cousin sold all the furniture, the appliances…everything. When he was about to lose the house, there was nothing there except some old mattresses, dirty dishes, garbage everywhere and clothing. It was heartbreaking to see and since my cousin could barely function, I had to clean up everything after him. Eventually my cousin left to live in a different state. He lived on beaches, went through I can’t even count how many cellphones with different numbers. Then he just disappeared. It has been over a year now since our last conversation. People say he went to rehab and is doing better (he has other family where he is) but he refuses to speak to me or anyone on his father’s side of the family. It breaks my heart especially after everything I did for him. I hope he is actually doing well.
I’m happy to see you getting all those feelings out. I wish there were something I could do to help you. For now, I’m sending you the biggest hug.
Have you considered online meetings? I like in the rooms for just listening. You can just sit back in the audience, no camera and they won’t call on you. You actually have to request to share if you want to speak so there’s no chance you’d be called on by mistake. They do have al anon and codependency meetings.
Thanks for the hug. I could use it. I kinda thought and hoped you’d check in. It means a lot.
I got all the way to the vet for meds and forgot my wallet . And then I was going to Whole Foods. I came home to get my wallet and finally just got home. She asked how I forgot my wallet. I told her my mind was elsewhere. Thinking about things. She asked me like what? I’m such a doofus. I actually said “oh nothing ”. Ya I’m so strong on here. I crumple like a cheap suit in person. I don’t want to hurt anyones feelings. After some silence I spilled my feelings. I just can’t believe I said. “Oh nothing.. Anyway. I told her how I felt. I tried to make it about me and my feelings. Not her and her drinking. And mentioned going to Al-Anon meetings to help ME feel better. I told her about the Monday night Mens meeting and if I still feel sad, depressed, or like shit I was going to go next week. Maybe. I did see they had some on line. I wonder if they take cats and dogs. . B (the white one,) and Benson would be by my side if I did a zoom meeting. Beatrixis a computer junky
Thanks for the advice.
And I’ll quit being a doofus.
And thanks for checking in on me.
You sound like me, that “oh, nothing” response was a daily occurrence. I’m glad you opened up about how you were feeling. No matter what their response is, it still feels good to get it out. You’re watering that seed each time you open up to her. Hopefully, it will eventually start growing and you’ll see some slight changes. Always here for you my friend.
All side kicks are welcome at meetings, especially the furry kind.
I always want to post here but avoided it until I changed my username to separate from the rest of my online existence. Now I just haven’t had it in me to type it all out but I’m ready to burst. I have a bit of a rant that’s been building.
There’s a good number of my loved ones that are addicts but lately my partner has been getting worse and my perspective of it has changed so much. His dad is an alcoholic and got sober as a young adult after a motorcycle accident so I’ve heard him warning my partner and his siblings about becoming alcoholics for many years.
But he isn’t very obvious of an alcoholic. I’ve only ever seen him drunk once in the 6 years we’ve dated / 8 years we’ve known each other. He has definitely been drinking more though since being around my father the past two years. It’s the steady buzz and constant smell of irish cream in the coffee all day on the weekends - not saying no to my mum and step dad when we visit them and they keep pushing beers on him even though he is the one that drives and he knows he needs to get us home - the nightly beer or two after work, followed by a glass of whiskey before bed - the smell of it still on his breath when he comes to bed tipsy and makes a ton of noise stumbling around in the dark while I’m trying to sleep. It makes me want to go sleep in the guest room and avoid him.
And again he’s not drunk so for a long time I compared to how bad my exs were and it made it seem like it was okay. He says he doesn’t need to drink. But he just doesn’t listen or communicate with me anymore. I try to ask simple questions to make plans or get stuff done around the house and I get dumb childish responses that are not answers. I talk about how I feel and all the shit going on in my head and he hears none of it. Half of the time he walks away and when I get frustrated he always says “oh I thought you were talking to yourself.” Sometimes I wonder if it’s always been this bad but I didn’t notice or care because I was drinking too or then focusing so hard on myself staying sober. He has never been one to show much emotion about things but when he has had a beer or two I get pretty much no reaction from him.
I told him it bugs me and he said he would stop drinking. I said “okay that would be great but don’t only stop drinking because it bugs me, do it because you want to and because you see the benefits of it.” Nothing has changed.
The past few years we’ve been talking about buying a house with some land and I recently told him that I’m not sure if I can commit to that anymore, especially because I want to focus on my mental health and will be starting with a new therapist in a week. That’s a big commitment financially and emotionally and I know it’s going to stretch me pretty thin. I really opened up about my concerns for where my mental health has been, how bad I’m doing and that I need to figure out who I am and what I actually want for my life. His response was that we already have enough saved to at least buy a small piece of property to build a little cabin on to runaway to. How were none of my concerns heard or taken into consideration. Having been in active addiction myself during so much of our time together I am struggling to figure out if this is just how it’s always has been or if it really is worse. Was I dealing with so much past trauma that I needed someone to just be around without too much attachment or asking questions about my past?
Damn…I knew that was going to end up being a lot but then I clicked reply and actually saw it and just damn. I’ve been holding this in for way too long.
You are not alone in what you are feeling and experiencing. One thing I have heard in counseling is that recovery is a joint process. One of the recommendations as part of my recovery was to speak openly to my partner on what I needed from him to help aid in my recovery. My first attempt at this did not deliver the results that I had hoped. I didn’t know that my sobriety scared the s**t out of him. As I progressed in my recovery, our dynamic changed. He struggled to connect with me now that I was sober and clear. He ended up speaking to me less and bottling up his feelings. Deeper conversations made him uneasy. He ended up withdrawing and drinking more. I kept thinking to myself, was it always like this? Was he always emotionally unavailable and was I just too intoxicated to really care or did I live in that thick of an alcoholic fog that I couldn’t see our relationship for what it was? But I couldn’t focus on our relationship, I had to focus on my sobriety first and foremost. Just know that I was listening and you are not alone. Sending you good vibes and please vent if you need to. It’s good to let it out, put it into the air! Let us hear it, we care!
Pfwwww, that sounds familiar @Daphnecat
Let it out
I’m a bit out of encouraging words as my own husband had three days drinking for whatever pisses him off recently. Let’s see if he refrains from drinking today, yesterday he was a hungover mess. I hate that disgusting smell that sticks even after shower. I think the whole situation becomes worse because my menopausal hormones make me more senitive in every sense. Also less indulgent and pretty grumpy.
Not joining the drunken fight and stepping away works for me too. I send you hugs
) because
last night 
He got called out on it and left the bathroom.
”. Ya I’m so strong on here. I crumple like a cheap suit in person. I don’t want to hurt anyones feelings. After some silence I spilled my feelings. I just can’t believe I said. “Oh nothing.
. Anyway. I told her how I felt. I tried to make it about me and my feelings. Not her and her drinking. And mentioned going to Al-Anon meetings to help ME feel better. I told her about the Monday night Mens meeting and if I still feel sad, depressed, or like shit I was going to go next week. Maybe. I did see they had some on line. I wonder if they take cats and dogs. 
. B (the white one,) and Benson would be by my side if I did a zoom meeting. 
Beatrixis a computer junky 
