It’s sad with a loved one because you do have to take care of yourself. We cannot let the alcoholic in our life control us and make our lives unmanageable. My life is pretty manageable with my spouse that drinks all the time.
There’s some good AlAnon literature on their web site.
My fave is Courage To Change.
Right now I’m reading ODAAT In AlAnon.
They’re just daily readers I’m been using my whole life.
you didn’t cause it
You can’t control it
You can’t cure it
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Thank you 
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Congrats on 500 days! @JoMarch! I know how difficult it is to stay sober while living with an alcoholic so I give you a lot of credit. I did it for over a year and half.
When I got sober, my husband tried many times but failed miserably. There was absolutely nothing I could do to help him, other than live by example. Eventually he saw the benefits and finally had the will and determination to do it himself.
If we want sobriety bad enough, we’ll find a way. I held down a full time job while caring for a disabled child but still got myself to detox. I took vacation time for a week and went on an outpatient basis. I came home to my family every night. It was as if I went to work and it didn’t disrupt my family routine. After detox, I went to IOP a few days a week in the evening. I could have easily gotten short term disability if I didn’t have vacation time. If you’re located in the US, alcoholism qualifies for disability and employers can’t deny time off. Also, they can’t find out it’s due to alcoholism either so he’s pretected that way as well.
The best advice I have for you, is keep your sobriety a priority no matter what choice he makes and keep living by example. Come here often and vent, it helped me tremendously to get through some really dark days. Wishing you the best.
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Congrats on 500 days first 
Sounds like your husband needs professional help. It’s hard when our loved ones struggle this hard. My experience is: I can do nothing. My husband has to go through bad outcomes of drinking on his own. I can be there having an eye and call an ambulance when I feel it’s necessary (did it some times).
Living by example is a concept that works for me. Sometimes. I also have to detach and do my own things before I get the feeling of resentment, frustration or get angry or we start a fight about his behaviour. Still have a lot of work to do on this but there are times I feel I can handle it better in a way that’s fine for me. The point is: My sobriety comes first, because otherwise I could not only not be there if my husband really needs me, no, I could not handle shit and daily life would turn unmanageable. First I have to be ok, then I can care about others. Reverse doesn’t work.
Send you strenght and good vibes
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Thanks Eric. Everytime I read your posts like this I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders and I breathe easier❤️
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Checking in to get despair off my chest. On days like today I’m not sure I won’t lose my shit and choke my husband.
I came home at lunchtime after the weekly 3-stop-grocery shopping tour, tired, ready to cook, have a nap and rototill the patches for this years vegetables to be planted.
My husband was angry on his worker because he screw up with the lawnmover, yelled at me he drives off to buy beer because all is shit blablabla … Oh yes, he is sooo poor and to swig is the solution. 
I payed the worker and sent him home.
I really tried to find out what bothered my husband, but as always my conclusion is: He is not capable to instruct his workers in a way so they do the work he wants them to do correct.
I quitted sitting with his beer, anger and self pity, had a nap and wanted to change the dump body for the rototiller on the tractor. Asked him to help. Instead of helping he called me names, a lazy ass and nearly ruined the upper linkage. That was too much, I grabed some flower pots and threw them on him. Always the same bullshit: when I need help everything else is more important, he drinks and pisses me off.
He drove off, took the tractor key with him (!!!) so I couldn’t get anything done. Thank you asshole, today was perfect weather for farm work, tomorrow rain is forecasted.
An hour ago the local police officers called me. He had a minor car body damage. If I could pick him up? I did and he was not through the frontdoor yet he started nagging again.
Well, with 2 per mille I guess he can collect his driving license in 2 month. And I will NOT chauffeur him.
I planned such a nice sunday. Thanks for ruining everything I’m looking forward to. Always.
Now I cuddle my cats who share the bed with me and will fall asleep soon. Than God for sleeping aid, otherwise I would be upset, desperate, furious, exhausted, tired all at once for the entire night. And I have to collect his car tomorrow, it parks on private property. That’s half an hour walk. I’m so sick of this shit. 5 nice days and bäng! asshole again.
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I’m so sorry to read this. It sounds like a great day just went to hell. I hate to give advice. That’s not what I want to be here for. And I’m going to try not to give you advice.
With that said.
Rescuing the addict is exhausting and enabling. And it is really hard to not want to rescue your loved one because it totally affects you. But in the rescuing there’s enabling. (“I know she’ll bail me out.”) It really sucks!!
What’s the worst that can happen if you don’t go pick up HIS car. You don’t have to tell me.
Shit this really sucks!!
Boundaries 
so you won’t rescue
so you are not enabling.
I’ll keep you in my prayers. Enjoy cuddle time with the kittens. And I hope you get some sleep.
I’m glad you at least got it off your chest here.
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I’m so glad you shared and I’m sorry things are like this for you right now. I was reading your post and it was bringing up feelings I have had with similar situations between my husband and I, although my husband never really yells and doesn’t call me names. That sounds like emotional abuse and I’m sorry you’re going through that. There were(are) many times I have felt like my day has been ruined because of his drinking. It’s always sad. I feel angry and full of anxiety when I feel powerless as I watch the opportunity for a beautiful day pass by. I will say, upon reflection after days like that, I have learned things about myself that have helped me in future situations. It still sucks going through it and I’m so sorry for these circumstances. Sending a hug.
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This is bang on Eric.
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Thank you @Dazercat and @Miranda
your advise is always appreciated 
please continue!
After a night with mediocre sleep and bad dreams I’m thinking about the situation.
I promised the police to pick up the car today as they asked for permission to park it overnight on the private property. I honor my pledges so i will do it. The officers were really nice and I don’t want to upset the property owners, it’s kind to let the car park overnight.
It is so embarrassing - I moved here 4 months ago and my husband already is more known as the drunken jerk than the landscape gardener he is before I get to know more people than my direct neighbours. I already don’t want to go anymore to the good restaurant down the hill because that’s where he shows up frequently. This is the 3rd or 4th time he had to be taken home from there (not me), not counting his drunk driving which makes me worried and furious at the same time. He wasn’t like this in the past. Or didn’t I realise it?
Well, I know what’s on the plate today: The usual Lametazzi = whining and moaning that he is poor, I’m to blame for everything, blablabla.
I always try not to engage in this hungover bitch-party. It’s useless, I never got any real information what bothers him or how he feels or what he really needs.
It makes me so sad. He is a lovely caring man without alcohol and I miss this guy. I miss us being happy together. I feel alone, abandoned, hurt and like an idiot because it still upsets me. I’m so tired and exhausted from this ups and downs. I’m exhausted from my own aggression against drunk him. I’m really bad in ignoring his shitty behaviour and care for me and the cats. I’m so sick of this shit. Obviously not sick enough to leave yet.
Well, I now jump over to amazon and order al anon literature and codependant no more, it’s available in german. Thanks @dazercat
May well be I check in here later again. Try to make it a nice sunday anyway.
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Yes This! and it is so frustrating and difficult to tolerate. My husband is a worse alcoholic than I…if that’s even a thing. I’m tempted and triggered every day and I’m exhausted from his drunkenness. He says he is cutting back, but just last night I caught him sneaking out to his truck to get more beer. He tried to convince me that he was protecting me from all the beer in the fridge, but I darn well know he didn’t want me to know how much he was drinking. Everything is just different in our relationship. I’m on the sober path, and he is lost in a can of beer.
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It’s so hard to witness isn’t it? I realized just yesterday after an honest caring discussion while my husband and I were both sober, that one of the reasons I’m so angry and resentful at times is because I keep expecting him to quit drinking too, mostly because he keeps saying he wants to, but then doesn’t, but also because i just really wish he would. He’s honestly a super guy. Even when he drinks, he’s not abusive or mean. Perhaps less effective and insensitive due to lack of feeling alcohol causes. I know he’s not happy that he drinks everyday. Other than me not liking it, I don’t think he believes it really interferes in his life at all. I see how it does. He is in denial. Point being, I had a bit of an epiphany after we talked and thought maybe I just need to stop expecting that things will be different. Can we stop focusing on him quitting drinking (because I honestly don’t think he honestly wants too) and can we just focus on other things to help improve our relationship. Can I love him as he is? A weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and off of his as well. I feel like we are starting a new path…I wonder where it will lead.
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My favorite is Courage To Change.
And your not an idiot.
Denial was very strong inside me when it was my children.
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So tonight Saturday night. We are going to watch a movie. Like most Saturdays. As usual my wife is drinking wine all afternoon and then at dinner.
It was such a great movie. I posted about it on the movie thread. So real. Not a nice fun movie though. But my wife and I have been through hard times with our families dynamic and the death of both our parents. Anyway. She passes out drunk on the couch like most movie nights. And I loved the movie so much and sure wish I could have shared it with her. Oh well. She’ll sleep it off on the couch until 2 or 3 or 4 am and I’ll enjoy the rest of my time without her as usual.
At least I have learned to enjoy these movies without her. Now I can have my quiet TS time until Minnie gets up. That’s when I take the old girl out for her final Whizzy and then I’ll get to enjoy my book in bed with a cat or 2 and Benson.
Hang in there codependents. And let’s take care of ourselves. Just for today.
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So true.
What movie did you watch by the way? I’m sorry I can’t seem to find the movie thread…
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It should be bumped to the top.
As They Made Us.
Produced written and directed by
Mayim Bialik.
From Big Bang Theory.
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