Our losses are a bit different. But still a loss and there is much grief and sadness. And we need to feel it……
More to follow.
Edit…… @erntedank
I’m finding so much help in this book. Especially since my loss isn’t so tangible.
“Gradually, I took Al-Anon’s suggestions to get in touch with my feelings, and for a while I felt worse than ever. As I started to see what I was gaining instead of just what I was losing, I didn’t feel quite so bad. But it was a slow process made slower by my reluctance to follow the suggestions of fellow members.”*
……is a slow process.
I can order the book in german I will order some additional literature too from al anon, I have bookmarked some suggestions over time
Yes, our losses are different of course. I often feel that I never processed the little losses in our relationship and I want to work on letting them go too. The disappointment when I cooked what he said he would like and I cooked it with love. To throw it away 3 days later because he rather drank and ate out of house. The times when he did not remember what we talked, mostly fighting. I was devasted, he was … I don’t know. The many many times he disappeared for days, ignoring me, not answering my calls, not calling me only to tell me afterwards that I don’t care. How worthless I felt when he came home, sweaty and dirty from work, lounging on the couch (that I just cleaned) without taking a shower and changing cloths, watching TV and being mad at me when I went bananas and told him to fuck off the clean couch and fuck off with his shitty, disgusting, hurting behaviour. How unloved and rejected I felt missing intimacy for the last years. How worthless I felt because he refused to talk about anything concerning relationship and emotions, no matter what I said, asked and even begged or shouted. This list goes on and on …
There’s a huge pile of little things I still grieve in daily life. I don’t know what hurts more: The nice, lovely habits I miss or the slow realization what I definitely not miss and the slowly growing awareness HOW MUCH it is I don’t miss because it does not hurt me anymore, does not effect me financially anymore, it makes my life manageable again, I have time and energy to care for me again, I don’t expect or hope anymore for love and caring from someone who will not provide it for what reason ever. I’m glad I don’t make plans anymore, ODAAT & OFDAAT is enough for me now
I admire you for your strength and your love for wifey. She is a lucky person and you are so caring for yourself and her. I hope it’s ok to give you both some virtual hugs
I’m struggling and finding good stuff in that book I mentioned above. But I will not drink about it.
The effects of alcoholism permeate our relationships and can complicate our grief.
I am reclaiming what once had been lost—myself.”
We no longer give to others out of obligation, control, or fear, but because we want to give.
Not everyone will be happy about the new changes in us—including ourselves at times. We may reminisce about how things used to be and may even try to convince ourselves that things weren’t so bad before recovery.
Positive changes don’t always feel right at first. On those days when going back may seem easier, we can trust that our Higher Power has guided us to this point in our lives. We are precisely where we need to be.
If we feel shame over the chaos in our lives, we may find it difficult to share what we’re going through with others, particularly those closest to us.
Meetings for the family or addict? For the family, I recommend Naranon. There is a meeting Tuesday nights at 9pm EST. For the addict, I recommend NA meetings which are also located on this same website on various days and times.
Here is the link for Nar-Anon too. It seems more popular in Canada for the families of people in active drug addiction to go to than Ala-non. I havent been to either I am sure they are both amazing.
Thanks @Its_me_Stella@Lisa07 and @Dazercat
This is exactly what I was looking for. The brother of a friend has been addicted all his adult life and my friend and her Mom might be open to resources to cope after a very rough day.
Trying to let go of the fear, that some day, the phone will ring and the police or hospital will be on the other end of the line. It hasn’t happened yet, but I can feel the anxiety building up, whenever I know my dad is rolling on his own. I know its irrational and I cannot control what happens. I am not responsible for his choices. I try to have faith, that at the end of the day, everything will be ok. Yet, I hate this icy feeling in my guts.
I just read this last night in my book. It helped me understand why I feel that way too. I don’t believe it’s irrational for us to feel that way.
I just highlighted this in my book last night.
Fear is an instinct that often alerts us to danger. In Al-Anon we learn how to practice living in the moment and letting go of our fears about the future. Before we can do this, we must acknowledge how our former way of life has affected us. For many of us, anticipating what could go wrong may have helped us survive. Staying alert to our environment and the mood of the alcoholic may have protected us from dangerous situations.
Man that hit home for me. That fear has helped me survive.
I’m going to start working on this. It may take time. As I’ve learned in recovery, I can’t fix me NOW, and that’s ok. It takes time to unlearn.
Once we become aware of our propensity toward fear and worry, we can begin to take steps to change our attitudes. In Step Four, we make a “searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.” By applying this Step to our fear and worry, we gain insights that might otherwise go unexamined. In this Step, we can reflect on what might be preventing us from letting go of our anxiety. We can thank our fears for protecting us and ask our Higher Power to remove them.*
Looking forward to this:
We no longer have to submit to a life full of fear, apprehension, and anxiety.
All from “Opening Our Hearts Transforming Our Losses.”
I understand you. I experienced this feeling for a long time. A friend called it “vorkümmern, tu dich nicht vorkümmern”. The best translation I can give is like: Don’t pre-worry about things not under your control which might happen #brain produces worst case scenarios, physically and emotionally
I experienced it not only concerning my ex, his drinking, his sometimes dangerous work. I also experienced it concerning my late mum, I was constantly on high alert when I could not reach her, fearing she fell or had an acute health problem (she was living alone).
This fear came out of very real experiences. I had to put them both to hospital more than once. And nope, they would NOT have reached out for help by themselfs. So my worry and the emotional exhaustion that carrying this burden of latent endanger caused were absolutely real, not irrational. Nor are your feelings irrational. They are based on emotionally engraved experiences.
For me keypoint to letting go was accepting my own helplessness. It’s not my job to prevent 24/7 adult persons from the consequences of their own doing. Or not doing. Trying to be there to fix other’s lifes nearly killed me, I was burnt out to the existential minimum. And nearly lost myself emotionally.
It’s perfectly ok to be aware that given the past experiences A, B, C could happen. It’s perfectly ok to have a plan if A, B, C happens. It’s not ok to constantly worry about the if-scenarios. You are a good person, you will do the right thing if something goes wrong. But for now you care for yourself, be kind to yourself and do yourself a favour. Something nice you like. For now life wants you to not worry but be fine and sober
Are you concerned about the health impact? What are you feeling helpless about? Do you worry she is somehow endangered by her smoking?
I’m sorry you feel that way. Please know, you are not alone. Maybe give the three foregoing posts a read, we were talking about feeling helpless there too in another context.
How can we help you to cope?
Thank you Eric @Dazercat and @Erntedank, it feels good to hear that and also that you can relate . I am taking a deep breath now and try to let go and focus on myself. Accepting helplessness might actually be a good way to deal with the fear for now and today. Thank you again:pray:
My family upbringing resulted in me becoming hyper vigilant which I in turn would treat by drinking. When I took alcohol out of the equation I ended up in the psych ward for three weeks (exactly three years ago)
There’s little point saying to someone who has had to become hyper vigilant not to worry, because those things did happen, the abuse, the arguments all of it happened, and why wouldn’t it happen again? You often can’t leave a situation when it’s in full flow so you have to take evasive action at the very first sign.
Amen. I also tried yelling, crying, ignoring, not speaking to her … nothing changed until she had the second hip surgery and they dried her up. I hated that disgusting smell coming from every pore of her body from drinking hard stuff, gross. I think my paranoia to smell myself comes from this experience. I still shower whenever I can smell myself, especially sweat. Same for bad breath. My mouth hygiene always was very good which keeps my teeth healthy.
Now I cry because I remember my ex drinking, being smelly, not giving a shit what his behaviour did to me, how it hurt, how gross it was, how lost and abandoned I felt. He was a nice and caring man without alcohol and before he drank way too much. I miss this guy because now he seems to be sober and clearheaded. But the love and caring for me are gone. I need more meditation, my emotional mixture is exhausting. And I’m hungry. Lonely. Tired of the nightmares every night. Sometimes I think love and relationship are too complicated for me. Maybe I’m too complicated, demanding, needy for relationships. To be honest it’s too early for questions like this. It’s not even 6 a.m. here.
I relate to the feeling of being “too much” for people, which I really think comes down to “I must be so difficult to deal with that my parents would rather be drunk than be present with me”. I’ve recently read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents (which I think I must have been introduced to via TS) and so much of it rang true for me.
I’m also aware that when I’ve found myself entangled in a destructive relationship before, that I couldn’t recognise at the time the problems as I think I found them so familiar. I know of others who walked away at the signs I couldn’t see. I did have a very valuable and therapeutic relationship with my late husband, although I can see that had I not had that experience I would still be thinking it was all my fault and that I was doomed to repeat the same mistakes or be destined to be alone forever.
You’re going through so much at the moment. I’m sending love
Your post resonated so. We were all on high alert mentally emotionally physically for so long…it takes time to reorder our selves on that cellular level as well as in our mind. This (our self) is definitely worth fighting for.
