@itsemip
So glad you have joined us!! You’ll get lots of encouragement here and on the other threads. Take care.
@Bootz@Dazercat@erntedank
Thanks for your responses. Mom still lives alone at 92, that’s pretty good. Brother is about 20 min. across town from her. I live less than 10 miles from her. I do have another older bro who lives across the country in Raleigh. He is very supportive.
Today, I’m ok, was able to see a movie with a friend and step away from them for the day. Tomorrow, I’m heading to Mom’s place to fix her phone. It’s always something.
Well, parents are staying here tonight and tomorrow. They arrived late afternoon and headed out to the pub within half an hour or so of getting here. When they got in from the pub about an hour ago my mum pretty much went straight to bed without speaking a single word to me. That’s what she does. i’ve asked her in the past just to let me know that she’s heading away but she seemingly can’t do it.
So, there’s little wonder that I have abandonment issues.
It honestly is making me feel so angry right now. At least I’m not depressed or sad about it anymore. Anger may still be a negative feeling but it’s much better that blaming myself and feeling depressed.
Thanks Bootz. I ended up getting a good nights sleep after doing a meditation to deal with the angry feelings I had. I’m really glad I shared here though as I often feel my friends don’t really understand what I’m going through. I used to get a lot out of sharing with my brother but he died a while back. I’m so grateful to this community. X
“Rejection is protection”, I like that one. I don’t think I heard that before.
How did the rest of the visit go? I had to learn to lower my expectations.
Take care, you are loved!
Thanks Phoebe. They left this morning and the kids and I are pretty relieved!
I have lowered my expectations and of course that works to a certain extent but the trouble comes when I’m letting my parents off with rude behaviour I don’t want my kids growing up to think is ok.
So yesterday was my birthday (the whole reason for the visit) and I had spent the afternoon baking and decorating a cake. We had a meal out together and once we had finished I said we’d head home to light the candles and have some cake. My parents just said that they were going to go for a drink instead. So that’s what the kids and I did. Not one mention was made about the cake despite that I had spent a fair bit of time putting it together. It was as if it was an invisible cake.
Anyway, my reaction used to always be to blame myself for something I’d supposedly done to deserve their rudeness but I now put it together as a story in my head and marvel at the strangeness of it all. I did feel physically exhausted at bedtime last night from holding it together, but I didn’t get upset and that’s huge for me.
Wow. That had to hurt. That really sucks. I’m sorry to read this Delia. I’ve been to a lot of AlAnon meetings and work on all the slogans and expectations are resentments waiting to happen. But that must of hurt. No matter all we learn, we are still human beings with feelings. Lately when stuff is hurting my feelings I just feel sad and it hurts. It can hurt a lot. I just try not to take it personal. I try to blame it on the addiction. Not on my wife. And I still struggle with that because it’s so damn personal. Every thing I’ve learned over and over again. Don’t take it personal. It’s so hard when it feels so personal. But slowly I’m getting better at it. Or catching myself sooner. Instead of wallowing in it.
Well. Your cake looked great! Im glad you shared it on the foodies thread. I’m happy you had the children with you. And your learning something from all this.
Happy belated bday Delia.
That’s a huge, huge birthday present to yourself!
Love where you say ‘ put it together as a story in my head and marvel at the strangeness of it all’.
I loved getting to see your beautiful birthday cake, to share that with you on your special day. Wishing you all the very best for your year coming up, wishing you your best year ever! Big birthday hugs and birthday love from here @Deelzebub
That’s just so shitty of your parents. I admire your strength and forgiveness of their very selfish behaviors. You are a wonderful example to your children. And I really hope you had a good birthday despite.
Thought I’d share my opinion on this because I grew up with parents in active addiction my entire life- they are now in their 50’s and still active. My mom alot more than my dad which is ironic because it was the opposite growing up. My dad was always more drunk than my mom which isn’t saying a lot considering my mom was always very plastered when I was a kid. They were both heavy heavy drinkers on a regular basis and it seriously messed with my sister and I growing up.
When I was in my early 20’s was about the time I noticed that I was also now an active addict. And I was now the one effecting the people that loved me because of my addiction. It was hard, definitely. Because I knew the hurt that they were feeling. All the wanted for me was to get better and to have better and to be better but I didn’t want that for myself. I wanted to drink. And it took me a lot of days to realize that I was faced with the same choice every day and no matter how many days it took away from me if I didn’t choose, every day it was the same choice and I’d never move forward. I could choose happiness or I could choose hurt. And finally I choose happiness. It took me years to realize it was the only choice I had. I hurt a lot of people along the way and I’m still working at being the best version of myself to make it up to them, to make it up to myself and to give my inner child version of me a hug.
I’m so sorry for the hurt you and your family have faced. And Ill pray for your wife that she chooses happiness for herself.
I should also mention that- through absolutely all of the chaos and craziness- I love my parents with my entire heart. As dysfunctional as my family is, my parents are my go to people. They couldn’t do anything to change the way I love them and I’m sure your kids feel the same.
First of all, I saw the cake pic you posted, and it looked TO DIE FOR!!! Yummy overload! One must be out of their mind to pass it.
Secondly, looking from outside, your parents acted really poorly. I don’t know the family history, dynamics, etc etc, but what they did was just rude. Period.
I hope your kids enjoyed. I would have joined your party in a heartbeat.
Thinking of you today @erntedank on my walk listening to this podcast on the recovery show.
That’s where they talked about this book.
We’ve both had a lot of grief and loss the past year. I think yours have been more severe or at least much different than mine. But I think there is some grief and loss I too need to face in my marriage.
I really don’t need another book or podcast or meeting or reading to do. My freaken plate is full. But this kind of hit home for me. I’ve been learning so much about what I’m going through. And it’s not all that nice either.
Anyway. I thought I’d PM you but maybe someone else could benefit from reading this too. I heard we should read it slowly.
ODAAT.
This shit is really hitting home for me. I’m managing pretty well. But I been sad. But reading this makes sense. Presently, knowing this, is kind of a relief. I’ve felt an enormous amount of surrender and actually serenity learning this. Especially the very important part about staying in OFDAAT
Like I said on the gratitude thread. Guess what the fucking “F” stands for
“Opening Our Hearts Transforming Our Losses”
By Al-Anon
The recurring nature of grief ”I am invited to grieve with every change in life. Often I ignore the invitation, deciding the particular change is ‘no big deal,’ or telling myself, ‘I can handle this.’Sometimes the culmination of all the ‘little’ changes I haven’t addressed hits me all at once. I find myself overreacting to a person or situation, becoming depressed or just irritable.”
It is often these “little” changes that catch us by surprise. They seem to come out of nowhere. The day-in and day-out disappointments and broken promises of living with an alcoholic can become commonplace, until one day we wake up feeling the effect of all those “small” losses. Why, we wonder, do we suddenly feel sad about our situation, especially when we may have spent months or even years living this way?
Many of us have lived with the notion that grief is something we feel when we have lost something tangible—when someone has died or gone away. In Al-Anon we learn that although the alcoholic may still be living, he or she is unable to be fully present—emotionally, spiritually, or even physically. Recognizing that we are not living the lives we had planned or hoped for with the person we love is a loss that occurs gradually. Each day we lose a little bit more until what remains is merely a shadow of the person or life we thought we knew. Living with ongoing grief of this kind can be particularly trying.
“One Day at a Time” can help us through these difficult days. We get ahead of ourselves when we worry about how we will get through tomorrow or next week. We can’t know what tomorrow will bring. What a relief it is to know we only have to deal with today. Though getting through today might feel like getting through all of eternity, we can remind ourselves that we won’t feel this way forever. We can trust that our Higher Power has a plan for us, even if we can’t see where we are headed.
Sending right back at you.
Since I have just discovered this. I don’t think I’m ready for a conversation yet. I need to continue to mull this over and keep going to meetings. I never would have even thought to have had a conversation about this. Timing must be key.
Thanks for your support.
Edit. And it’s scary too. I don’t wanna talk about it. Not today anyway.
I know you weren’t. But I never thought about it. And like I said, since it’s a new discovery I just need to let it “marinate.”
I never have to do anything now.
What is it, that I always find here what I need? It’s kind of a miracle. Thanks @Dazercat I bookmarked the book and podcast, let’s see if it’s available in german. Easier to read for me.
This is exact what I experienced: A shadowy life, a hollow relationship and nothing I could see left of the good life we wanted to live together.
The thought of my ex leaving my life for good overwhelmed me today all of a sudden and let to a massive breakdown. That’s the result when I see him two days in a row
When I talked with our fasting accompany sister at the convent last week she said quite the same: I have to take my time to grieve and mourn all the losses, the big and small ones. Yes, my expected good life was over when my husband decided to drink massively and hide it from me. I’ll never know when he lost his love for me but I’m pretty sure these two ongoings were mutual timewise. And I fighted a fight I could never win. Acknowledging this and finding some peace step by step through letting go is what comes closest to surrender for me.
Now it’s bedtime. Thanks Sassy and Dcat
