Are you going to go somewhere and get a two year chip? That’s exciting!
2 Likes
No. A cute elf left me one 
5 Likes
I can only echo what the other ladies have said. I am so grateful for you Eric and the shares you put here.
4 Likes
The good thing is you two get along I think. Not these huge drunken fights that go nowhere.
I have a friend who when he drinks hard liquor it’s a disaster. I have an aunt who I’m learning after all these years is a “mean drunk”. I was in her wedding when I was five years old and it’s taking me all these years to figure this out.
3 Likes
Hey Eric, thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing where you’re at. As you know, I’ve been in your shoes and totally understand that alone feeling. What got me through those dark days was doing exactly what you did by coming here and opening up. I wasn’t looking for answers but just knowing others heard me was an enormous help. I want you to know I hear you and I feel you. Sending you big hugs. 
Btw…leaving crossed my mind but I always came back to the fact that I wouldn’t leave if my husband was suffering from cancer, addiction is no different.
13 Likes
Wishing you, your wife, the doggos and kitties, best possible days each day. Lots of major life events happening… selling the condo and all that entails, emotionally and physically… pregnant dil… it’s all a lot. As a couple and family, there are big changes on the horizon. Loving your alone time is fine, good and necessary… … real and true breathing time and a you time to get and stay in touch w your self…
Glad you have us, and that we have you!
7 Likes
Thanks Alisa. Yep. Definitely a lot going on. Doing much better today. It’s great to be able to share and let the feelings come, stick around awhile, and then go. I wonder how we’ll all feel tomorrow. 
6 Likes
I’ve been meaning to use this thread more. Maybe that can be a New Years Resolution. But I don’t do those. Anyway. I just don’t want to come on here and complain about my wife’s drinking all the time. But I do want to come on here to help myself and deal with my feelings. And maybe share along the way with other people.
I’ve decided to take my serenity prayer to the person I love the most. My wife. I must accept her the way she is. And accept the things I cannot change.
And change the things I can. And that’s me. It’s always fucking me. 
And know the difference.
I’ve been wanting my wife to love me the way I want her to love me for the past 10-20 years. Aw fuck 30 years now. We’ve been through much counseling and conversations about our feelings countless numbers of times over our 38 years of marriage. And ya know what? She still doesn’t cook for me 
it doesn’t me she doesn’t love me.
We don’t hug much or kiss or show affection or cuddle or anything like that for years. Fucking decades now. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love me. I know her story. I know the alcoholism and addiction and death from it all in her family. If you didn’t get love. How can you give love.
I can’t imagine having an alcoholic mom passed out naked on the floor when I brought my friends home from school. She can. More than once.
I can’t imagine an alcoholic mom on Thanksgiving if the Cowboys lost. There was no dinner. She can.
I can’t imagine ever saying “ya know, ever since my mom died about (30 years ago,) I’ve never missed her.” Who says that? 
I can imagine what it’s like to completely numb our feelings together for 38 years and now I’m sober. We’re fucked up!
I can imagine being with my wife when my child was addicted to heroin. And the ocean of tears we shed.
I can imagine being with my wife when my other addict child had such a severe bipolar episode he didn’t know who we were for ten fucking days. He didn’t know his mom and dad and we were right there standing in front of him. 
We woke up in a nice hotel every morning. Looked at each other and cried for ten straight days.
I can imagine being their for her when her 3 siblings and mother drank themselves to death.
I can imagine her brother dying alone at the ranch with a bottle in his hand. Lying on the floor because he couldn’t take the voices in his head anymore. So ya we’re pretty fucked up.
I can imagine how much support and love she gave me when my sister, my best friend in the whole world, died a long time ago at 50. And then when my parents died of Alzheimer’s a few years back.
I can’t imagine a life without her. So of course I got to get back to working on myself again. Which as you’ve heard before. I’m fucking sick of working on my self.
I honestly don’t know how I got so insecure and sensitive. Maybe because I’M SOBER for the first time in my life. Shit. I’ve always been like this with her. And I’ve always been able to make a pitcher of martinis and get over it. Not feel it. Numb the shit out of it.
I pray this year I’m done trying to change her, or expect from her, things she’s cannot give me. She loves me and I love her. We have a great time together. When she’s sober. We have a lot of fun together. When she’s sober. We never see eye to eye. Which doesn’t mean we don’t love each other. We don’t finish each others conversation. We have the whole conversation without the other one participating. Scary true shit.
So when I go to the beach for my sunset walk and she doesn’t want to come? It just means she doesn’t want to go for a walk on the beach at sunset. So what if there’s hundreds of other couples on the beach enjoying a sunset walk together. And then I feel lonely about it. It’s ok. It would be normal to FEEL that way. She now knows that she’s always invited to come with me on my afternoon evening walks. I will no longer be asking her every day if she wants to come with. After awhile of always being turned down my feelings get hurt. And that’s ok too. That’s got to be normal. Feelings can be fragile. Feelings do get hurt. And then they get better. Or change.
I just need to learn to deal with my feelings in a healthy way.
I don’t know where to go now…….
I just don’t want you all to think I’m married to a drunk monster. An alcoholic? Definitely. I just need to accept the things I cannot change. We as a couple are worth it. I don’t know. I just got to stop expecting to get things I’ve never gotten. And quit trying to change things I just cannot change.
Alright. Thanks for listening. Appreciate it.
34 Likes
Thank you Ethan. It means a lot to me.
I appreciate your kind words always.
6 Likes
You two love each other and you’ve always been there for each other. We each are who we are Made up of all kinds of everything. This is your ( you and your wife’s) relationship. She is who you love. You two have lots of wonderful in there. 
3 Likes
Wow… this really pulled on my heart strings… I am not even sure what to say honestly. I just think ur an amazing person Eric. Its amazing progress to be able to sort through all the thoughts and the wonders and the what ifs when you are with someone who is in active addiction. It’s extremely hard to be the sober one and maintain sobriety when ur with someone who drinks or uses. I was in relationships in the past where my partner was using and I’d do my best to be clean and sober. I grieved alot! Just bawled and cried and grieved. Grieving what I wished our relationship could be. And I’d find myself fantasizing about what could be if they were sober. Found myself comparing my relationship to others. Which ate at me more. It’s sooo damn hard. It takes SO much inner work to get to where u are. That level of acceptance. Idk… idk what else to say. I wish I could help somehow. U help others so much on here… including me and I had no idea u were going thru all this. And I’m glad u share. And I’m glad u post ur feelings and thoughts 
huge hugs!
6 Likes
We never know what the future will bring. You two have a lot of changes that will happen Leaving Santa Monica. A grandchild on the way. Who knows what the future will bring. Hopes and prayers that the future will bring you things that give you joy and peace, with yourself, and with her.
3 Likes
Thank you Dana. Appreciate it.
1 Like
It’s going to be one hellovan exciting year. And I’m doing sober. Yes I am
2 Likes
I can really relate to your post because my daughter never spends anytime with me unless we are laying in bed watching TV. Even then she is not fully there. I remember when Laura was here I think she had talked to Lisa about mourning the relationship she had thought she would have with her child. That really resonated with me because that is how I feel. We will never do the things that other families do because she just can’t, she’s not able to. For a few years I was like you asking over and over because I never wanted to give up the fantasy I had in my mind of spending the day at the lake with her, or taking her to the museum… But after being turned down over and over again, like you, my feelings started to get hurt. I also stopped asking because I started to get resentful and that wasn’t right either. I have learned to just take what I can get and hold absolutely no expectations, not one. I mean, I am not going to stop being her mother because she is different. I just need to use my imagination and find value in the smaller things, the ones that are not as obvious.
One of my favorite recovery sayings is “Live and let live.” There was a day I waited for her and it actually was stopping me from living my life. I don’t wait anymore.
20 Likes
Such a lot of reactions to ur post. Extremely moving and relatable (although my husband is not alcoholic, ur story about the evening walk, for example). I hope I can come to such understanding and acceptance.
4 Likes
You always share from your heart Eric. I admire your honesty and openness. Thank you for being you.
It’s been a challenge navigating this new sober life with my husband. It’s almost like there’s no fun with each other without the alcohol and drugs but we’re working on it. Many times I’ll give in and go somewhere with my hubby just because it’s what he wants to do even if it’s not to my liking but I’ve noticed he’s not so willing to do the same for me. I guess I need to work on expressing my feelings about this. That shows I still have a lot of work to do in the people pleasing area.
Relationships require a lot of hard work on both sides. After 30 years, I’m not willing to try this crap again with someone new so I better figure this shit out. Lol
9 Likes
First. A huge hug to your heart Eric. You are such a beautifully souled person … if there is such a sentence. It can be hard sometimes when that is not returned in kind. I’ve learned during my brief time in sobriety thus far that sometimes what we give out doesn’t come back in the same manner. And, like you aptly stated, it is not for lack of love from the other person. People are just different in their ways and abilities to express emotions or care or whatever is needed for another at a particular moment. As we’ve spoken of, I rarely comment as I don’t feel I have the right words. But for you my dear friend, you are on to something. And I truly believe that by the end of this year you’ll feel a kind of love that even surpasses that which you are seeking both from your wife and dare I say … yourself. I for one can’t wait to read all about it. 
7 Likes
Eric, you’re such a treasure. I’d like to think that despite the drinking together, you’ve been a safe place for your wife. A refuge, a constant. But what do I know LOL. I hope you can find peace in your marriage. I’m glad you’re finally sober.
7 Likes
U hit the nail on the head there.
11 Likes