Hey Eric thanks for sharing your story hope things are going well for you and your wife. I teared up reading about the intervention you and kids had for your wife. I know the struggles we all face and how much it affects us when someone we love is addicted, i just feel for the addict who still suffers because i remember myself when i was stuck in “it” and couldnt get out. Its hard not to take it on and be bothered, feel the lonely and helpless feeling for our loved ones when addiction has them in the grips. I remember my grandmother telling me about how she felt for her children when they were playing with the fire. She took the tough love approach and told them go out and do it again, until you had enough. You will get burned but maybe then you learn to “leave it alone” she told them. 2 of her 7 kids parished 2 are still in active addiction and the other 3 have been living sober over 30 years. Breaks my heart how devastating alcohol and drugs can be on families but for us that are recovering i keep hope that we can help where we can. Truely is a blessing that we are able to have another chance to live, sober, and be all here to make the change. Thanks again for all of you here sharing. Its good to know that we dont have to be alone in our struggle.
Thanks for stopping by Jonathan.
@jonathanlee213 I been meaning to thank you for your kind words.
Nope. We are not alone as long as we put ourselves out there.
Not much has change over here since the kids surprised us. Maybe a little. At least there is an awareness. She’s trying real hard to moderate. But I’m sorry. I don’t believe that can happen. Still, some days are better than others. Some days she doesn’t drink until dinner. But if we go out to lunch she starts early. It is what it is.
I try not to post too much about my wife’s drinking because I firmly believe it takes the focus off of my sobriety. So just assume she’s drinking. When she stops drinking y’all will know. Trust me on that. 
Thanks for sharing and starting this thread. I struggle so much with what to do about my mothers addiction. She has been drinking since I can remember, it got really bad during my teenage years. Like a lot of children with addicts for parents I took over the household responsibilities, called in for her to work that she was sick when she was too hungover or drunk, kept the house clean, counselled her through suicidal thoughts and threats and so on. I am 42 and it is still with me, I don’t have a relationship with her, she doesn’t know my kids very well, the last time I saw her in the summer after almost a year she didn’t recognize my son. I vowed never to become her, yet in a way I did. I never thought my drinking was a problem, until it was. My husband and I went to marriage counseling a few years ago and he said I am turning into my mother, ouch. But I was in denial, I didn’t abandon my children, I didn’t fall down the stairs breaking both of my wrists, I had it together or so I thought. As my mom gets older, she is 72, she continues to drink and binge for days, weeks. We don’t live in the same city so I am not involved in her life or her addiction but my father is. He doesn’t share all of the things that go on, but I can imagine. He is alone in his life with her, he doesn’t visit us because he feels responsible to look out for her so she doesn’t hurt herself or drink and drive to get more booze. He’s hidden her wallet, unplugged parts of her engine so her car wouldn’t start and endless other tactics to get her not to go get more alcohol. Before I stopped drinking I had already broken off contact, I told her numerous times that I will not have a relationship with her if she is drinking, it has been years now. I am 4.5 months sober and one of the biggest things that really spoke to me and my soul was my dad telling me, during a particular bad episode of my moms drinking, he said: I don’t know why this woman cannot get a handle on this drinking. She has been an addict for 30 years or so, my god I do not want to be in that position. I decided that if I do not stop this will be me, I will go down a road I am not willing to go down. It is so sad to be helpless with someone’s addiction. As I child I begged and pleaded for her to stop, I didn’t have a mother, I had to mother her. As I got older I ignored it, I tried to help, got her set up with rehab, visited her in rehab, encouraged her, loved her, hated her too, around and around. I now have zero expectations from her as a mother or grandmother. I have accepted that I cannot change her or force her to get help. I feel like you Eric, I’ll believe it when I see it. But I do feel sad for her and really my dad because he doesn’t get to escape, he doesn’t get to enjoy life. He is turning 75 this year and lets be honest, there isn’t much time left. I hate that he will spend his last years tending to a woman who will not help herself. Won’t or can’t.
It really is sad. That story sounds exactly like my wife’s relationship with her mother but only up until college days when my wife was able to move away. But her dad, my father-in-law, stuck with his wife, until she did die from the effects of alcohol and cigarettes. He could not leave her. He could not control it. And he couldn’t cure it. And he sure as hell didn’t cause it. It really is sad. My wife almost never misses her mom or can remember anything good. Just the drunken mess. I’m grateful my wife is not “that bad.” Whatever the hell that means. I guess it’s all relative.
I’m sure it’s very hard on you not having a relationship with your mom and she doesn’t get to know her grandchildren. As horrible as that feels. You are keeping a boundary. And that’s real important for you and your children.
Congratulations on your 4 and a half months sober.
I’m glad your here.
Thanks Eric. It is really sad. But there are positives, I feel like I have a chance to give my children a life without that worry and trauma and that if you see where you have gone wrong you can redirect your energy and make it right. Denial is such a strong force in addiction, the fact that I had an addict mother and my childhood, I still thought my drinking was not a problem. I thought it was normal because all of my friends drank “as much as me” but they didn’t, denial again. I am glad I am here and sober.
I hear you all. I was neglected when I was a teen due to drinking and then made my own bad decisions. Fast forward many years, I’m sober, Mom is 91. She cleaned up her act when I was in my twenties. But I still have to work on my resentments to this day.
I really like the readings from the al anon program, really helped me alot with dealing with some resentment i carried with me from my childhood. Couple weeks ago i had a fit of anger rush through me when i was thinking about my kids grandmother, wishing she was still around to be here for her grandkids. I cursed her a bit but it didnt last for very long and i didnt dwell on it. She passed away when she was only 50 from cirrhosis died a pretty agonizing death, hated to see her in the hospital on the last days but she didn’t have to suffer any longer. Been 8 years since she been gone, kids already growing up goes fast.
Thank you for this wonderful topic @Dazercat ! It will take some time to catch up reading the posts. For now I found some things that echo in me deeply
Since I do no longer share the after work beer or whatever reason to drink with my husband, our together and talking time decreased significantly. I mostly don’t participate in this behaviour any more and that changed a lot over the last two years, especially for me. I see clearer what I don’t want for me any more, allthough I relapse occationally.
We both have/had a parent which was addicted to alcohol. I was always aware of my predisposition and I hated the smell of a drunk person for as long as I can think, especially the detoxing phase the next day. I suppose he had his own painful experiences, but I know little about it as he in general doesn’t talk much, even less about personal things, feelings or needs. Him making reproaches to me is usually the only source to hear about what bothers him. And I have to say that I’m so tired of this sick, destructive behaviour that I stopped engaging long time ago, I just leave and feel sad. And I stopped to act on the information I get through this reproaches. That enabled a spiral of not talking normal whilst sober and I decided to break that vicious circle for me because I’m tired, exhausted and it leads nowhere.
Wow, it feels relieving to get that off my chest. I feel a lot better and less bitter now. I will pray for both of us, at least this will help me to find a little peace
I been putting this off for a long time.
I been struggling a bit lately.
First off. A drink will not help make my struggles any easier. I can be just as lonely sober as I can drunk. So I might as well be sober. I am struggling with feelings.
Again. I don’t feel like drinking about it. I Just want to make that clear.
It’s such a strange feeling of loneliness. I feel so lonely when I am with my wife. And I’m very sad to say I feel pretty dang happy when I’m all alone. I don’t feel lonely at all when I’m all alone. I really love my alone time these days. I don’t really want to get into her drinking. Nothing has changed. I mean why would it? Just because the kids flew in for a surprise unannounced intervention about 2 months ago, did anyone really think she would stop drinking? I didn’t. I wanted to pretend like it might have helped, to be be a positive support. Same ol same ol.
It reminds me of my niece when she asked us or made a statement one day a long time ago. If my mommy loved me wouldn’t she stop drinking for me. Sorry kid. That is not how it works. Mommy does love you and you have nothing to do with the reason your Mommy drinks. Or won’t or cannot stop drinking. Well, I get to be that little kid. But i am fortunate to be armed with the knowledge of why someone cannot or will not stop drinking. And I have nothing to do with the problem either . But, knowing that, Doesn’t help much. It still sucks! Just as bad as it did for my niece.
Welp, I hope this helps me get on with the rest of my day. I did get a new book I’m looking forward to reading. Intimacy In Alcoholic Relationship. A collection of Al-Anon personal stories. I’m only a couple of pages in and it hits right at the “Elephant In The Room.”
I also ordered One Day At A Time In Al-Anon. Each year I get myself some new devotional readings. I hope it helps.
I keep reminding myself I got a lot going on. This is probably our last trip to Santa Monica. I was hoping it would be really fun for us. I have to start planning for the sell. And that means packing and organizing and getting the condo sellable.
And there is this pesky 2 year milestone coming up. I am so happy to be getting 2 years of sobriety under my belt. I’m going to beat the shit out of this milestone malady and come out victorious as all hell. I cannot wait to get my first chip!! I’m glad I got you all to celebrate it with.
I hear you, mate.
You are not alone in some of your feelings, and they are very, very normal.
No wise words.
No positive affirmations.
Only that I hear you.
In my little world you make a big difference.
Thanks man.
Appreciate it.
I do understand how you feel. My husband quit drinking at about 3 months into my sobriety. It wasn’t to support me or to share sobriety with me. He was diagnosed with diabetes (runs in his family), so he had to stop. Has it brought us closer? No. Am I lonely most of the time? Definitely. It’s why I pour myself into this community some days. It’s gets to a point where I can hardly breathe. I’m so sorry things haven’t changed for you and Kelly, Eric; but I’m tremendously proud of you for protecting your sobriety through it all. That gratitude thing really works… so does coming here and getting it out. Sending hugs
Hey Eric, as you know, I’m a big fan of yours, and my god you help me and others stay sober every damn day. I’m glad you got the Al-Anon literature. I’ll be praying for you and your family. I really can’t imagine how hard it must be. I’ve been single for 19 years, and yes very lonely, but I can see how it would be even lonelier in your situation. I didn’t drink today, and I’m probably not drinking tomorrow. I say this every damn day, Eric, and to others that are struggling in sobriety. You are a gem.
I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling Eric. I don’t have any wise words of wisdom but at least you can be grateful you’re not on fire 
I’m so sorry.
Thanks for sharing that Eric, i can relate to alot of what your feeling. Glad to hear your saying, i think about it often, and the daily readings do help alot, be looking forward to your upcoming milestone.
I remember the feeling very well of being around my husband and there being so much distance between us. There was this void that neither of us knew how to fill, fix or even name. It kept getting bigger the longer it was there, we both got angrier and ended up shutting down to save ourselves.
I hear the pain in your words Eric and I am sorry that this is what your marriage looks like today. The beauty about recovery is impermenance and no, nothing changed this time, but that doesnt mean that it will never change. You are handling this with such grace, I learn so much from you. We are going to cross our anniversary line together, hand in hand 24 hours at a time, because that’s how we do it.
I love you.
No I’d never consider leaving her. It’s important to remember it is a disease. If she had cancer or MS or Parkinson’s I wouldn’t leave her then either. I do understand and appreciate what you are saying. We’ll be together 40 years come January when we first met. It’s our life. And I know her story. We all have one one right? It’s not like she’s abusive to me or physically threatening so I am not in physical danger either.
Big hugs for you friend. I admire you very much. You are doing your best and that’s all you can do.
Looking at it from the outside I wonder if y’all can have something special to do at lunchtime besides “go out to lunch“ which seems/(may) to start the drinking early in the day.
Sandwich and a hike.
I know you’re both pretty active anyway with the dogs, and you with the gym/ walks/ reformer.
A good bit has gone forward. The intervention. Your daughter with the boundaries. The recent dinner.
Now the book.
I’m glad you have the site here.
You’re doing your best. You’re not alone.