Mine are probably 2 years expired by now which is before the contamination started. Now I just use them for crying nights and not red eyes from drinking days so I use them much less. Before I sleep I usually scroll old meme threads. Tonight I’m back in May of 2020 but sleep will hit me soon.
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Ah Emilie 
that is a shitty homecoming. I am sorry!
Glad you were able to come here and vent. I hope it helped. Grateful that you were and are remaining sober.
Hopefully the two of you can have a better conversation tonight while he is sober. It is super hard talking with a a drunken emotional person. You end up getting hurt and they don’t remember the conversation.
Much love dear friend 
sending you hugs and love
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Nope. We cannot make an alcoholic happy. I cannot believe how hard I’ve tried for so many years. Without even realizing I was doing that.
I keep trying to remember QTIP
Quit
Taking
It
Personally
Because it fucking hurts so bad it’s hard not to take it personally. It’s the disease.
I’m glad you came here and vented Emilie. I’m so sorry you’re going through this too. It’s taken me awhile but I’m starting to feel better in both my recoveries finally. If you’re willing check out some of the stuff I sent Kim my last post to her. Maybe you already have. I’m just waking up this morning. I’m just so sick and tired of this disease fucking up relationships. Those enabling YouTubes and that podcast were gold for me.
Always here for you my friend.
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“I will make the best choices I can and allow others in my life to do the same without interference.” Helpful. Thank you for sharing.
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It is so tricky sometimes, I could just spit! Trying to set boundaries. Not enabling. Not taking shit personally. I’m glad we have resources for dealing with this situation, this thread is super helpful. I am still early in my own journey at 112 days, and I must focus on my own sobriety.
So I’m grateful to everyone here on this thread, thanks for sharing and being here .
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I think I was trying to do this first. Set boundaries. And I kept moving them. Or not keeping them at all. I didn’t think I was enabling very much. Now that I’m researching all this enabling I had no idea I was doing, I can work boundaries around that and it makes more sense.
I’m happy to have this space too. Just sorry it’s so active. I guess holidays coming up end of year.
Deep breathe.
Serenity Now.
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My sponsee has managed to string together three days, they have been difficult ones. She is putting in the work though and I am grateful that the skills she learned in the first 6 months of her recovery are bubbling to the surface now. Small reminders are triggering useful skills that are getting her through minute by minute. Being able to walk beside someone you love and give them your whole heart without taking on their shit or having any emotional attachment to the outcome is such a gift. I am grateful for equanimity. 
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[quote=“Its_me_Stella, post:1275, topic:128059”]
equanimity
[/quote]yes, a key word! Glad you mentioned it. Something I work on every day.
Eric, thank you also. I know I enable my husband in many ways and my boundaries shift as a result as well. It’s a lifelong habit of people pleasing, based in fear of rejection and anger . I know where it comes from and the role my own addiction has played in covering it all up. “When the going gets rough, run! Hide! Numb out!” Mixed in with a hefty amount of second guessing myself all the time. I’m slowly learning to just stay and be with whatever arises. And it’s one step at a time, two steps forward, one step back…
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So I’m taking some time to read in one of my Al anon books(thanks Eric for suggesting this one,)
“The invitation to live life fully is offered to me each day. I can accept the pace of change today, knowing it will bring both times of active involvement and periods of quiet waiting. I will let the surprises of the day open up before me.
“Besides the noble art of getting things done; there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of nonessentials.”
Lin Yutang”
Excerpt From
Courage to Change
Al-Anon Family Groups
This material may be protected by copyright.
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I’m late but I want to send you hugs
This was me so many times, each one heartbreakingly hurting. Nobody wants to run lovingly into the smelly arms of a drunk spouse. I really hope it will get better for you
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So yesterday I fall asleep with boys, before 9, he was doing his every Friday thing. When he woke up boys jumped on his bed, they were laughing, playing, sounds fun so I came to the bedroom as well. Asked him in totally normal friendly way what was he doing last night and how late he went to sleep… He answered something like ‘not your problem’ semi-angry already. So I went downstairs. Then later when he get down he asked what we do today. I still have painful neck, upperback and left arm for fuck sake so I said I’m not going anywhere. And then it started: I’m useless girlfriend, I’m boring, I’m not talking with him (if I try to talk he’s barking at me so what he expect) etc, nothing new, nothing original 
He’s really not upset that I’m in pain, he is just pissed that I can’t move much so I can’t serve him. He even had a guts to ask me if I go with him upstairs when kids were playing in the garden… Man, you just called me names few min before, besides - I’m in fucking pain. Fucking shit I feel really trapped here. I should never leave my country, my family. Now I don’t even have a place to go. I shouldnt start being with him at first place. But ofcourse I was drunk most of time, I had my own flat, he kept coming, bringing alco, I got pregnant and here we are. Happy big family.
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I’m sorry you’re feeling trapped and physically not well. For the rest not much to say, besides that you seem self aware of your current situation and are honest to yourself about it. A lot of strength and wisdom
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Oh Mischa, I’m so sorry. It sounds like you are in an impossible situation. I cannot imagine how trapped and hopeless you must feel. I do know something about hopelessness though.
I didn’t know it at the time because I was feeling so miserable but I did find hope in Al-Anon.
There’s no firehose to fix anything about addiction and the affects it takes on a family.
ODAAT
Changed Attitudes can bring about changed behaviors.
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Since I was just thinking about:
Changed Attitudes = Changed Behaviors
My Al-Anon friend keeps saying that to me. Use to drive me fucking crazy. Until I realized it’s actually fucking working.
I just found this.
I’m putting it here so I remember to listen to it.
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Thank you. I think now is our time of fighting. I don’t know if that will make us better or make us implode but it is something we haven’t done much of before.
Actually true, “I feel like this” honesty is coming out over here and it is painful but it is necessary for movement. He came home drunk last night and we fought. He prefaced the fight by saying he wasn’t REALLY drunk and laid blame at my feet for something I won’t accept blame for.
Thank you for the hug. I need it today. I do feel stuff shifting inside and I’m becoming more me than I have been. I have boundaries with family and I’m learning to express emotion and not just smile and smooth over. Painful but hopefully worth it. And a lot less smelly hugs. 
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In the last few months I’ve started listening to self help audiobooks at work when I’m on solitary benches but I think I’m ready to step bravely into the 2000s with podcasts. 
If this is your favorite Daze, I’ll start here and I am open to suggestions. I am interested in shifting my thinking around alcohol, abstinence around alcohol has become a habit but so has my stuck thinking.
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I never wanted to do podcasts either 
The thought of listening to a show of some assholes telling me how to feel better 
no fucking way!! It’s amazing what we are resistant to and we have no facts.
As soon as I heard Spenser talk I fell in love with him. His voice is so soothing. And he’ll be the first to tell you take what you want and leave the rest.
They usually pick 3 songs during breaks. I’ve got quite a list of Al-Anon recovery music on my iPhone.
Please do try and give Therecoveryshow.com a try and enjoy.
They do have a search 
engine on the website. For me and my first episode I plugged in compassion, because I had none whatsoever at that point.
@TrustyBird
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@TrustyBird I tried to reply before about the husband situation but my reply wouldn’t send for some reason so I’m saying it now: That loneliness loving someone who’s stuck and can’t love themselves is just so so draining and hard. I send you a lot of love over that pain.
If you’re starting out w podcasts let me recommend the Mental Illness Happy Hour w Paul Gilmartin. I started years ago and I’ve now listened to all the episodes and many twice as Paul is still my go to for company when I’m stressed, finishing up a workshift, whatever. I’ve learnt so much from him and his guests.
@Mischa84 you’re self awareness and sense of personal boundaries are your biggest assets in the situation you’re in. You deserve happiness, respect and love. Don’t ever forgot this fundamental truth.
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